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Fight or flight. These are the traits innate in human beings and animals alike to protect themselves from harm. When faced with a possible threat, natural instincts will tell you to either challenge the threat in the face or choose the easier method by running away.

When it comes to starting a new relationship with a potential special someone, I always seem to do the latter – as soon as I detect any sign of emotional attachment for him, I would think of walking away before we get any closer. Some relationships overwhelm me with doubt right from the start and the one I am sharing with him is unfortunately one of them. We are getting closer with every passing day, but time and time again, I would search for the pause button, push him away and start to distant myself from him. Those are days when I would limit our conversations, be totally nonchalant and block off all thoughts of us. It is not that I suffer from major mood disorders, but I somehow feel the need to remind him and also more importantly, myself, that I do not really need him, or any man for that matter. That I can always easily pick myself up again if things do not work out between us. That life goes on as usual with or without him and that it would not really upset me all that much. That is just me being me – I always put on an independent front but as to whether it is who I really am, I cannot be sure.

He felt it too. He sensed that I am trying to open up to him, but it seems like the more I do, the more afraid I would become. It was as though I do not want to lose sight of shore as we sail into sea, and that makes it hard for us to progress to a stage any more profound than where we are at now. I do want to get to him, but with every step I take towards him, two will somehow take me back and I am aware that I just cannot reach him that way. But there were also moments when I felt that I was almost there – moments when I felt safe by his side, moments when I felt that I could and should just reach out to him because something tells me that his hand would be there within my grasp. Alas, those moments never did last - in the end, I would still turn around and run back into my safety zone.

I cannot do it. I cannot bring myself to take that leap. Not when I cannot be sure he would be there to catch my fall.

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