Don't poop in the shower

This is a big problem in dorms, which luckily I no longer have to worry about. However, my sister still lives in the dorms and I am often reminded that this heinous crime is still, and forever will be, perpetuated by our nation's college students. Obviously, the point of pooping in the shower is to piss people off, because no janitor will clean up that poop without making sure the whole floor gets hit with a hefty fine.

If you feel the urge to poop in your shower, you should take one or more of the following steps:

• Stuff an appropriately-sized object into your anus.
• Ram your head repeatedly into the wall.
• Kill yourself with something blunt and unpleasant, like a spork.
• Don't poop in the shower.

Ah memories. My freshman year, before Housing was wise enough to put me in townhouses for the rest of my academic career, we had all the greats in our dorm. "The Phantom Pooper", the "Booger Bandit", and "that nameless guy that would shave his head with an electric razor while standing over a toilet and flush it, thus leaving a perfectly clean toilet bowl surrounded on all sides by a forest of short hair." Legends, all.