Dream Log: April 29, 2002

I had been trying to have lucid dream a while ago, to pretty much no avail. It hadn't worked and I pretty much forgot about it and all the little things you can do to try and have a lucid dream (like telling yourself you will have one before you fall asleep). Anyway, if you vary your normal sleeping pattern, I think that helps to break you out of a rhythm and get you to realize your dreaming.

Last night I had played poker with a bunch of friends for about 8 hours. We played from 10pm to roughly 6am and I ended up a significant amount, which I was obviously pleased about. Anyway I got to bed at about 7am. I distinctly remember a dream I was having where for some unknown reason I was flying. All of the sudden, I know that its not real. I didn't really realize it was a dream, but I do remember thinking that it wasn't real. So, after taking my philosophy class and wondering about The Matrix type scenarios I decide to test myself. I try and see my surroundings look real, or if they look like a dream. I looked at my surroundings and I looked at the back of my hands and in my dream I thought it all looked completely real. So I couldn't tell the difference from dream and reality while I was dreaming (or at least I thought I couldn't).

So then I wake up, and I am thinking about the dream and it seemed fake. I remember thinking that it looked real, but by my memory of the dream it looked a little fake. I wouldn't have told you that while I was dreaming though. So... did It actually look real, or did I have limited capacity for realizing it while I was dreaming....

Anyway, regarding poker night, I had a great hand one game. A freaking four of a kind, in a game with no wild cards. In this game you start with seven cards, pass two to the right and one to the left and bet five times as you reveal each of the cards in your five card hand. So you end up seeing 10 cards. This makes a full house the normal good winnig hand, and I had a four of a kind. So I bet big, each bet, and build the pot up and up. The only other person in contention is showing 2,3,4,5 of diamonds, and I am showing three of my four '9's. Then it hit me, there is ONE possibly hand that beats the four of a kind... and it is straight flush. That lucky bastard got a straight flush.

I was wandering through a black void and stumbled upon a tiny hole. Peering through this hole I saw seven women sitting around a fire, enchanted by the flames. It was hard to make out what they were doing exactly so I attempted to peer a bit closer and suddenly found myself sitting cross-legged in the circle with them. They were all peering at a man in the fire with wild green hair, and he was laughing and passing out raffle tickets to them all.

“One, two, three, four, five, and that’s six,” he said counting them off and handing them over to me. I ate the tickets and was instantly taken into a mesmerizing trance in which the fire became the hair on the scalp of a balding man. All the women began dancing around naked and eating cake off each other but the man suddenly called me over and so I stepped into the patch of hair and sat next to him. “And remember,” he told me. “This is how souls are born.”

And suddenly, beginning again, with light shinning forth, my heart split in two and was separated a great distance from itself so that no two thoughts or feelings could ever be one. And my soul, now in pieces, brought forth upon itself a madness uncontrollable. The messenger was clouded into a solitary prison, from which it could tell not to me of the things beyond myself. The great void that was between my heart and itself produced an emptiness that would always ask for fulfillment, and never fully receive it. My mind was separated into ten regions, one of which I was allowed control of. And the rest were locked away from me. The messenger was to be the key to these regions but he is locked from me forever. And in the void I bled.

I hold up my hands, but I can't see them.

There is nothing beneath my feet.

I can't move, and I can see my mother.

She is holding a baby, which I know is me.

She looks around her and pulls out his dummy.

I feel something in my mouth, I try and vomit.

I wake up and lock my door.

Sleep evades my again.
It is 5am.