Dream Log: October 28, 2001

I had a bad dream...

I was swimming in the ocean (which usually scares me, but not in this dream) with my children. The water was as clear as non-existence. All there was on the sand were a few easily avoidable sea urchins.

Every few minutes we would pass a "Meridian Line" which was a long, long piece of white cloth stretching from one horizon to the other. The lines were used by parents to tell their children how far into the sea they could safely swim.

Suddenly, my mobile rang.

Someone told me my brother and sister (who don't exist in waking life) had been killed by a car. My children and I swam back to shore, passing the Meridian Lines which had got bigger and more frequent and more difficult to pass.

We came to shore and walked back along the beach - which was like no beach in reality. Lawn-like grass covered the hard dirt in a long strip. 

We arrived inside our "Home" - the funeral reception was under way.

It was simply gorgeous. There was order and beautiful furniture and white linen and lovely flowers lovelyly arranged.

There were about a hundred people there, and I knew only about six of them.

One woman came up to me and wanted to tell me all about how her lover expected her to be willing to have sex with him three times a week, and would I tell him how unfair he is. She wouldn't either shut up or go away.

Then times jumped and I was at the funeral of my children, who very much do exist. They had also been run over.

My ex father-in-law was wandering around smiling his slightly dopey smile. He noticed a sign made up about my brother and sister's deaths, with dates, and he picked it up and changed the date to "16/10", which was my children's death-date,  with a red texta .

I sat down at one of the beautiful tables, and picked up a pretty-thing. Someone behind me said "Sorry, that's got hazelnuts" and took it away.

Then I was in bed with the flu.

People were saying "Don't tell her, she needs to rest" and I couldn't open my eyes to see who they were. I couldn't move at all.

I knew they were talking about my children being killed (at this stage in the dream the whole funeral/reception had taken place without me). I knew I had missed the funeral.

Now I feel bad, but its too early to call my lover, even though he wouldn't mind.

So I've told you instead.

I was in a meeting room connected with a large shopping mall, with my friends Jared (an elderly alcoholic with academic leanings) and Ghost (a Washington insider, who once told me that he hated "arguing with people who did not make policy"). Both, for the record, are Republicans. To my surprise, the speaker was to be President Clinton, and I was seated between Ghost and Hillary.

For the first two thirds or so of the Q&A period, Clinton took questions from several people, including Jared, but when I asked a question, the former president gave me his full attention, and we spent the remainder of the period trading remarks. It was a good, hard, debate, as they go, something like a great game of tennis where both players are so evenly matched that the volleys go on forever. (People seemed quite impressed.) Then I sat down.

Ghost was furious, and said I'd wasted everyone's time. Hillary said I did just fine, but you could see she was lying. I replied that it was his choice as much as mine to speak, and anyway, Jared had done almost as much talking. Ghost said that I had no idea what I was talking about. I tried talking to Jared, but he refused to speak to me.

I went to talk to my friend Bill about it, and he said "The highest rank in any army is civilian."and went back to mopping the floor in a 50's style office. I looked at the clock, and woke up.

I made a wish in my heart a few days ago; to dream about sensei I have been missing him so much recently. Hoping he is well and wondering what he would make of what has happened in our world these past few months....that to give away more of his wisdom for my paper towels. I was just beginning to know him well when he had to go. He put up with a lot of my silliness because he saw through it to the very shy person within. Moving and living around the world, well it's one of the ways I cope with meeting strangers. Always afraid to say anything but wanting to leave them with a smile; a good feeling about themselves. It is with surprise that my heart prepares me......

I was in brightly lit world, it was a foreign place, not another land; maybe another planet because out the windows I could see several moons at different stages in a brillient and clear sky. I was waiting in a large crowd for sensei to arrive. A giant Chinese Dragon dance flew though the air, swirling and looping; a sonic wave from the the end of a red ribbon being held by a small girl. (I was trying to be a good noodle) It was a beautiful dragon with a majestic head and orange body; the dancers nimble legs were sequined with blue and I wondered with a great admiration. Coins rained down upon the crowd like confetti. Then suddenly upon the steps sensei appeared and was ready to speak, he looked wonderful, healthy and gilded like precious ivory. Yet at the last moment he was called away and I was left to seek out a schedule of where he was traveling. When I found my copy, my heart leapt up because as the paper lay in my hand I understood deep down inside of myself, that I would see him again someday at the right time.