/me enters a rather ramshackle building deep in the heart of the E2 Red Light District.

Several testicle-shaped bells above the door jangle loudly to announce my presence.

"Hi, uh, coffy." I say as I read the madame's nametag which is prominently displayed upon her aging bosom. At the sound of my voice, the woman looks up from her crossword puzzle and pops an obscenely shaped chocolate into her mouth as she scopes me out from top to bottom; her trained eye and years of experience can instantly recognize and categorize my every kink and perversion.

Her momentary curiosity quickly turns to boredom as she goes back to doing her crossword puzzle.

I try to get her attention again and ask "I, um, was wondering what I, uh-- What could I get for 10XP?"

This time, she looks up at me and takes a long drag off of her cigarette as she contemplates my options. Exhaling, she blows the smoke out of her nose and says "Ten XP, eh? End of the hall. Fourth door to your right."

I thank her politely and make my way down the hall. Looking to my left, I notice that one of the doors seems to have been vandalized recently: It seems that someone had originally written the word "blowdart" near the top of the door in crayon; if that wasn't odd enough, someone else crossed that out and replaced it with the words "ass darts"; finally, "ass darts" was then also scratched-out and replaced with word "blowdart" again (written in a much firmer (if shakier) hand).

Standing there, contemplating the meaning of this, I notice the pleasant and relaxing sounds of ocean waves coming from my right. I turn my head and hear the soothing voice of a woman say: I am comfortable with my femaleness. I like being a woman. I enjoy responding sexually as a woman. I enjoy the exploration of my body. I am able to give of myself in a sexual experience. I enjoy sex! Intrigued, I take a step to my right, and I'm startled by frantic shouts of: I AM FEZZILA!!!! YOU ARE JAPAN!!!! and I'M GOING TO SEAWORLD!.

Needless to say, I continue on my way...

I pass a door with a sign marked RUMPUS ROOM. I briefly glance at the schedule taped underneath the sign. Hmmm, Folding Chair Fridays, Cool Whip and Hot Leather, Yiffy Kitties, Gender Issues and Human Sexualality (discussion!)-- Oooh, this looks interesting: Server Time: 16:00 to 23:00 - Naked Twister featuring Orgasmatron - BYOC (Bring Your Own Crisco)!. I check my watch and happily note the time; unfortunately I can't pop my head in for a peek at the action because the door knob's so slick with vegetable oil that it's practically frictionless. Oh well, maybe later.

So I move on to the next door (which seems to be my destination): Live Nude Lesbians! I marvel at my good fortune and quickly enter the assigned room. "Hi." I say, quickly noticing that there's only one woman sitting in the center of the room.

"Hi." says the woman.

"Um. Aren't there supposed to be at least two of you?"

"Ya, sorry about that. The other girl quit last week. They keep forgetting to change the sign."

"I see. Uh. So, if there's no other girl, how do I know you're a lesbian?"

"Well, I guess you'll just have to take my word for it, wontchya?"

"Um, Okay. Will you at least take your clothes off, or is that also part of the sign change?"

"Oh, no. I've got no problem with naked, honey. Just give me 20XP and we'll get started."

"20XP? But coffy said that it was only ten."

"10XP? Sorry, honey, you've got the wrong room. 10XP is one more over. This is the third room to the right."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

I apologize quickly and make my exit. Out in the hall, I try the next door over. The door has certainly seen better days and it's a little hard to open. However, after tugging at it for a little while, I'm eventually able to make my way in: The room is completely dark and it smells rather rank. I wonder briefly if I should try being a little less cheap next time.

And then I realize my mistake...


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