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There's a lot of talk these days about terrorists and evil dictators and biological warfare and nuclear weapons. The news media and the White House would have you believe that Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and North Korea (and possibly France) are, together, the world's greatest evil. But they're wrong. Osama, Saddam and North Korea are all working for an even greater evil. No, not Satan you fool.


Here now is a list of reasons why, in my opinion, Ebola should be added to George W. Bush's Axis of Evil:

  1. President Bush has repeatedly said we must protect ourselves against "cold blooded killers". Well, my friends, Ebola is a warm blooded killer, and we all know heat is more evil than cold.
  2. To date, Ebola has attacked over 1,600 people worldwide, killing 43% of those infected. That's one World Trade Center tower right there.
  3. Ebola has a long history of attempting to smuggle itself into the US, and has succeeded several times, only to be thwarted by a nifty trick of our loyal friend, evolution, which rendered the invading virus harmless to humans.
  4. Ebola routinely slaughters entire villages in Africa, leaving bloody corpses lying in virus-ridden pools of their own vomit and feces and striking terror into the hearts of innocent peace-loving people everywhere. The virus doesn't spare women or children, and in fact tends to kill them even more quickly, obviously a sign of its evil nature.
  5. Ebola has teamed up with mankind's longtime arch-enemy, the monkey, using them as virus transport mechanisms. It's obvious even to the casual observer that monkeys are bitter at having been left down a rung on the evolutionary ladder, and envision a world free of human scum, with a monkey in every tree.
  6. While we're at it, monkeys should also be added to the Axis of Evil.

It's clear that Ebola represents the greatest terrorist threat the free world has ever faced. As Americans, it is our responsibility to protect the world from this vile enemy by whatever means necessary. In short: we must nuke Africa. Only then will the peace-loving citizens of the world (minus Africa, that is) be truly free to live their lives without the omnipresent threat of terrorism looming over their heads.

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