Once upon a time, but wait-there were many times, like the ebb and flow of the ocean. Like the passing of sands in the wind. There were two souls who believed in…how shall I say…they believed in what they called the journey.
This journey took them to many places. There were times in this journey that one or the other would lose her confidence and yet always there was something, something just outside her grasp.
Claire ripped open the envelope with the jagged edge of a key. She paused before pulling out the folded violet paper, trying to remember what she had said in her last letter. The problem with letters was the lag time, her relationship with Laura had become a suspended state, existing in time just passed. She no longer felt the violent anger in which she wrote. The raw pain of betrayal: her marriage falling apart around her. Her illness, and the bills stacking up around her, so high and suffocating, and no sign of relief.
Three years ago Laura had become a Buddhist nun. Claire didn’t understand it. What happened to their pact, their rage against religion as young teenagers struggling to free themselves of catholic guilt? How could she go and betray her own sister and join forces with Him again?
Claire had been out of touch with Laura for two years after her sister took her vows, until her crumbling life draw her to reconnect. Like it had in the past, Laura's strength and love had carried her through.
My Dearest Sister,
God is waiting, watching, aching to fill you up. But you are already so full. You are filled with your sadness, fear, your pain and grief. Filled with unworthiness and fear, fear, fear. God is calling to you to surrender these things to Him, so he can fill you up with the Love he is aching to give. He is calling to you to let go, give up, and surrender these things that you cling to because they are familiar, because they have allowed you to survive in this world thus far, because they are just the kinds of narrow, limited things your ego can wrap an identity around. But my sister, your soul is crying to unite with Her Longing. And her longing is the love that we call God.
You are questioning this prayer, this longing, what is this God thing anyway? Why am I drawn here? What is it I am finding and what is stopping me?
That which you have known is facing its death. After all, it is only mirage- it is not even real. Your smallness, your fear, uncertainty; your judgments, confusion, distrust-none of them are really you. The heat increases just before the fever breaks. You are so beautiful. So filled with love. God is aching to shower such a precious heart with his own nectarian love.
I will tell you this only once: As long as you are striving for Truth, you will never be a burden to me. It is impossible. You see one person's search, even if seemingly in the throws of despair will always be an inspiration to me. As for burdening God--honey God is the catalyst that explodes the nuclear bomb of our illusions and releases the energy that is our true selves, LOVE.
Will people misinterpret, misunderstand and judge you? Probably. But remember: Don't take anything personally. AND DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!
I have learned in my own journey that I must be prepared to be completely alone. I must face the fact that in my search for truth I may estrange everyone I love, be rejected by everyone who loves me. It is terrifying, but you know what? Behind the terror is freedom. I am tired of the energy I expend to be just what I anticipate someone wants me to be. The meager rewards it's offered me are no longer enough. And here's the paradox: When you start living from your own heart, and for your own truth, you will only attract love. You will attract others who somewhere in their own being long for the same. It's just that it may not look exactly like you think you want it to look. That's where faith comes in?
love and a smile
(from my heart to yours)
Claire held the letter in her hand for a long time.