Everything I learned from "Survivor"

Survivor is Chuck Palahniuk's second book after this debut with the extraordinary Fight Club.
The hero, Tender Branson is educated in Home Economics and throughout the book, he constantly gives out hints and tips about household and such. He even encourages the reader to take notes.

I present here the complete list of Tender Branson's tips as given in Survivor :

Stains :

- To get bloodstains out of a fur coat, use cornmead and brush the coat the wrong way.
- For bloodstains on a piano, polish the keys with talcum powder or powdered milk.
- Blood on the wallpaper is removed easiest by using cornstarch and cold water. This will also help to get blood out of a mattress or davenport.
- Always keep a red cloth handy to wipe up blood.
- To get tearstains out of pillow, dissolve five aspirin in water and dab the pillow till they stains are gone. This will even help if you have mascara stains.
- To get lipstick out of a collar, use white vinegar.
- For organic fluids, like semen, soak the stain with cold salt water, then wash as usual.
- To get blood out from under your fingernails, wiggle them about in a lemon, then rinse them under warm water.
- For cherry stains, rub the stain with a ripe tomato before washing as usual.


Holes :

- The best way to hide bullet holes in a wall is toothpaste. For larger holes, use a mix of equal parts salt and starch.
- To hide stab holes in tuxedoes, hats and nightgowns, use clear nail polish on the inside of the puncture.


Polishing :

- Polish copper with half a lemon dipped in salt.
- For chrome use club soda.
- Ivory and bonehandles on cutlery are best polished with lemon juice and salt.


Clothes :

- To get the shine off a suit, dampen it with a mixture of water and ammonia, then iron it with a damp pressing cloth.
- For a sharp crease on pants; turn them inside out and rub the inside of the crease with a bar of soap. Then turn them back the right way and iron as usual.
- Another way to get a sharp crease is to dampen the pressing cloth with water and vinegar.
- To determine the fabric of clothes, pull out a few threads and hold them over an open flame. If it does not burn, it's wool, if it burns slowly, it's cotton, and if it burns away very quickly, it's synthetic.


Makeup and the horrors of social life :

- To hide red, slapped skin, use green tint moisturizer.
- To stop a small bleeding, use a styptic pencil and close the gash with superglue.
- To hide that the lady of the house has been crying, use blue or mauve eyeliner to make her bloodshot eyes appear whiter.
- Smooth out the swelling under your eyes by rubbing in some hemorrhoid cream.

In the kitchen :

- To boil a lobster, use cold water with a pinch of salt, or an equal part vodka or vermouth and water. Boil the water slowly, using at least 30 minutes to let the water reach it's boiling point. Add some seaweed to the water for a stronger taste.
- Bake a pan of ammonia to clean the oven.
- The secret behind a perfect Beouf Bourguignon is to add some orange peel.
- Chill bacon in the freezer for a few minutes before frying it to keep it from curling.
- Rub the top of your meatloaf with an ice cube, and it won't crack while it bakes.
- To keep lace crisp, iron it between sheets of waxed paper.
- Protect your steak with fat from other animals while you are frying it.
- Boil a cup of water in the microwave oven to loosen crud.


Miscellaneous tips :

- The correct way to drink ice-tea is with the spoon in. Hold it opposite to yourself between your index and middle finger. Be careful not to poke your own eye out.
- Dip candles in salt water and keep them in the freezer until you need to use them. Light them with a strand of raw spaghetti to keep them dribble free.
- White roses meant silence in the Victorian flower tradition.
- Canaille meant 'unsurpassed excellence'.
- Sprinkle ammonia on a grave, etc, to avoid your dog to dig it open. For rats, use alum, and peppermint oil will keep ants away.
- Make good dust cloths by soaking rags in diluted turpentine and hanging them out to dry.
- Burn zinc in the fireplace to to clean the chimney for soot.
- Blot up broken glass with a slice of bread.

And lastly, Tender Branson would have shot you for :

- Putting butter on the bread before breaking it.
- Drinking your beverage with food in your mouth.
- Spooning towards yourself.
- Sitting without a napkin in your lap.
- Using your fingers to move your food.
- Eating before everyone has been served.
- Blowing on your food to cool it.
- Talking with food in your mouth.
- Drinking white wine by holding the bowl, or red wine by holding the stem.

In the bathroom :
- Scrub grout with ammonia to remove stains and mildew.
- Do not mix bleach and ammonia, lest your caseworker succumb to the chlorine gas and you become implicated in her death.

Survivor is so much more than a study guide for home economics. The most important thing i took away from this book, is the lesson that everything you ever love will die.