(Backstory: I know a guy, back from when I lived in New York, who was insisting to me in his living room that everything is energy. He inspires the Mr. Everything is Energy character below)
The Dr. Korschlock Science Show
"Sure. So let's go for a run, you and I, Mr. Everything is Energy. Then at a certain point, I take a leash, I put it round your neck, tie it to a car... And then we get to a certain point, where I'm sorry for you, so we stop. But outside the pick-up truck, I keep pushing you - it's time to do some chin ups on whatever we can find in the open to help warm you up for digging your own grave. After you're done with digging that, we do one exercise after the next, until you're positively dead."
"Yes," (he looks up towards the sky at God), and nods. He looks down on Mr. Everything is Energy, trying to keep up with a treadmill. He looks up to God, and down again to Mr. Everything is Energy, with a smile. "Yes, we are all energy!".
"I'll never stop getting some kind of reaction out of you, in sound, in thought, untill I wrench your ghost from your body, won't I, Mr. Energy? If the science experiment is to warm the atmosphere of the earth with the heat of your every exertion, I swear I actually have a meter so sensitive, I can get this information from you by measuring the temperature of the air. And this is the test. To measure how much energy you are capable of. We keep you going, and keep spurring."
"Friend?"
He turns to you, reader, squinting through the page.
"How much energy do you contain?"
He reaches forwards and taps the glass of the screen, and listens, as if he's measuring what he'll get from the wetness of the echo of the sound.
Then he returns to us like he's gotten it all, and doesn't need you, or your direction, any longer.
"So anyway," he says, allowing you to hear us from over his shoulder. "At certain points, I ask you if you want me to stop. I'm sure you'll have the energy to say 'Yes, please stop,' for a long time. But I'm also measuring your brain signal, I can listen from there, and I know how to stop just after your last sincere 'please stop' possible. Thereby, saving your life, in just a nick of time."
"We now want to measure how much energy you are good for, Mr. Everything is Energy. Everything is energy, it is said. Well, sure! Everything is, for sure."
He burns a shred of grass. Smells the aroma.
"But what makes the sweet tune of your screams (he taps the side of his temperature recording device) any different than this blade of grass's donation to our science. For in burning up, it has proven that our themometer device works."
He nods at a screen on the meter, looks at the treadmill, and then the runner.
"You, here, are subject number one. You will survive, don't worry. I was just joking about that grave you were digging." He pats his shoulder. "However, don't slow down. The grave is actually for subject number two, Mr. Everything is Energy. In his case he will keep going and going, we will go past the last 'stop' threshold, and we will measure (he grinds with saliva) the amount energy we can also get out of his flesh and bones, and will calcify them!"
He pauses, to swallow the sailiva build up. When finished, he looks at us, and sort of at you to, giving you a little bit of his ear from behind.
"It simply out compassion that we don't want subject number two to have to dig his own grave. What will happen is that at some point we will do the final exercises in the hole you have dug, and then turn the open grave with his corpse in it into a furnace."
"How much energy in joules, dancing around and then burning, are different selected people, until they are ash? Measured in joules. Maybe we are this thing called... ' Infinite Energy'?"
"We might do an episode on what we hear about that phenomenon."
"Anyway, for now, that's it. Mr. Everything is Energy, thank you for everything, you are now free to go. Here is a cup of water. You lasted OK, but you are actually not that much better than average. A very miserable improvement, in term of the numbers."
"So thank you for watching the Dr. Korschlock Science Show. That's all we have to show you for now."
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Recipe: 11 broken hearts and the daily motherfuckers still trying to try me. "Energy! Energy! We need more more of your energy, or else!" I'm motherfucking ECG out here.