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"Could you repeat what you just said?"

"What, that there was orange food, orange drink, an orange hot-tub..."

"No, the part about your feet."

"What, that life is too short to wear boring shoelaces?"


The celphone plays a long classicalish tune. Ten, fifteen seconds. "Quite nice," I remark, "but I wonder if its owner is going to answer it."

The tune starts again. My seatmates on the bus smirk. thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. "Encore!", I yell.

Da capo al fine. It continues on as I get off at my stop. Perhaps someone's phone had fallen out on the bus and they were trying to contact whomever had recovered it?


"You have stars in your eyes," the girl at the check-out comments. (Checking me out?) It happens to be the truth.

"I /also/ have twinkles in my toes," I counter.

beep beepbeep

"What's the yarn for, star-man?"

"Pie."

"Pardon?"

"Scarf."


For the first time in recent memory, my wallet contains no money. It feels light, liberating. Rather than reminding me that I'm a bum, to me it feels like freedom. Its delightful weightlessness reminds me that rather than paper and metal in my pocket, I now carry more honest and essential things on my back - pears, yarn, stamps, and a ticket to travel.


Weeks ago I picked it up at the Sugar Refinery, a turquoise heart cut from cardboard and hand-lettered. It promotes tonight a fashion show "special event" - so special that, rave-like, it bears no address: only a phone number for information.

On the flipside is written in red cursive
"Allow your life to be filled with wonder."

This is foreshadowing.

in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

One of the coolest things I've just learned about my car, after having owned for 10 years, is that it has cruise control.

Strangely enough, my car was not made with cruise control. Nor did I install it. It simply appeared, out of nowhere, as a new option on my car.

I suppose it was some sort of divine compensation for having lost my A/C two summers ago. You see, my A/C became my cruise control. I don't know how or when this little miracle of mechanized evolution occurred, but it's 100% true. Kinda. It's not true cruise control, but it might as well be.

My car, a 1989 Geo Spectrum (discontinued model), is supposed to idle at 700 RPMs. When I hit the A/C switch, my car's idle speed jumps to something close to 3,200 RPMs. I can be cruising down the highway in fifth gear, hit the A/C button, take my foot off the gas pedal and zip along at 65 MPH without thinking about it. Of course, I still have to think about traffic and there's no ACCL button, nor is there a RESM button, but it does cruise.

I have not yet discovered how this is useful, since my car cannot handle long road trips, but it might one day become evident as to why this has happened to my vehicle. For now, I'm totally baffled about the whole thing. I dare not take it to a mechanic- they might change it back and I don't want that. I mean, now I can tell my friends that "Betsy" (my car's name) has evolved into a new lifeform. "She's alive!" I'll scream madly, like a naughty scientist. "ALIIIIIIIVE!!! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Maybe not.

Also, tonight, I had a somewhat mildly mindblowing experience. I was sitting at the cafe, doing the daily crossword and generally minding my own business. Glen walked up and greeted me. He had an auto accident last night- a hit and run- and his car is out of commission (in a related story, the woman who had left the scene had decided that very self-same cafe we all know and love would be a good place to take refuge and call her husband for a ride. She was drunker than cooter brown, barefoot and rude to nearly everyone. The cops showed up a short while later and arrested her on the spot). Glen proceeded to ask me for a ride to a party, which was being held by a mutual friend of ours. I wasn't doing anything really important, so I agreed. Besides, he'd offered me $10 for driving him there, and I'm not exactly in a position to look a gift horse in the mouth.

So we were on the way there and I informed Glen that I would like to join him at the party for a few moments, to say hello to my friends. Some of them present at the party are people I don't get to see too often, so saying hello would be a good thing, I thought. Glen said, "Uh... Jay... that might not be a good idea." Of course, I asked why. "From what I hear, there's going to be a lot of nudity there. I know you don't go in for that kinda thing. But house rules is that, while you're there, you're supposed to get nekkid, too."

This fact did not surprise me. The party's host has a reputation for holding these kinds of parties. Nothing really tawdry ever happens at them- it's just like any other party or gathering of friends, the only difference is that everyone present is akimbo. I've seen flesh before and I am not daunted by it. "I'm not worried about it, man," I told him. "And I'm pretty sure that they'll make an exception for me. First of all, I'm not going to be there long, just enough to say hi. Second of all, they know that I've got a strict sense of decorum and modesty in that regard. I am by no means a prude, but I have a personal code of modesty when it comes to clothing. They'll respect my boundaries."

"How do you know that?" he asked.

I smiled. "I've known Phil for a long time, Glen. He knows my beliefs and my sense of honor and dignity. He won't enforce the rule on me because I wouldn't do the same to him. I have utter faith in that because he's my friend and he's my friend for a good reason. As for the other people, I'm hedging my bets that they'll be 'the 'usual suspects,' most of whom I know equally well, and they all have the same amount of respect for my boundaries that Phil does. If they aren't bothered by me being dressed, I won't be bothered by them being naked. No big deal."

He remained thoughtfully silent after he said, "We'll see."

So we got there, walk through the apartment complex and came to Phil's door. We knocked and were told, from behind the closed door, to come in... quickly, and "close the door fast as you can, dammit." We opened the door and immediately saw that, yes, everyone present was naked as the day they were born.

Then I saw her. The girl that has been making not-so-subtle overtures to date me. We've been out a few times, innocent stuff like ice cream or dinner and the like, nothing serious. I've found, lately, that I like her quite a lot. I'm still not sure if I want to date anyone just yet, but since she's expressed an interest in me, I've been giving it some serious thought. And she was sitting there, on Phil's floor, without a stitch of clothing on her. Everyone was sitting in a circle and beer bottles were scattered everywhere. I didn't see any clothing, so I guessed that it was probably sitting in a pile in one of Phil's bedrooms. Anyway, there she was, and she looked up and saw me. I would swear that I saw the thoughts run through her mind. "Oh my God, Jay's here. And I'm nude. And he's seeing me nude. And he probably knows by now that I'm really interested in him. And I really do respect this guy a lot and value his respect for me. And I'm naked. And my clothes are too far away, and if I get up to get dressed, he'll see more of me anyway, and... oh, to hell with it. The damage is done. Let's watch him and see how he reacts. God, I hope he doesn't stare."

These thoughts were painted on her forehead, as though in day glow. I couldn't have missed them if a spotlight had shone on them. So, I did the only correct thing. I behaved like she was fully clothed, like they were all fully clothed, even though it was clearly obvious that they weren't. I mean, it was a social gathering and it wasn't like there was an orgy going on. It was just a bunch of friends, drinking beers and enjoying idle conversation in the safe confines of a friend's home and they just happened to be in the buff. No big deal. Glen immediately set to the task of undressing.

The group, not knowing that one of their number was quietly attracted to me, urged me to join them- naked. I, naturally, declined respectfully and they didn't crowd me about it, just like I had expected. Plus, I wanted to get back to the cafe and do some more writing, which had been on my agenda of things to do today. We chit-chatted for a few moments, long enough for me to have a cigarette. I minded my manners and kept my eyes to myself. After all, since I wasn't going to join them, I really didn't have the right to ogle. Naturally, I did glance a few times at this mild romantic interest, answering the occasional question from her area of the room about this or that- I'm not a total idiot. When a naked woman I might find an active interest in is in front of me, that is a golden opportunity to get a "preview" of what I might not see under normal circumstances.

Finally, she piped up. "At least take off your hat and coat." Translation: I'm getting nervous and I want you on the same playing field as me. No one else pressed the issue, but her.

I smiled and looked her in the eyes. "No, really. I'm about to leave. I just came in to say hello."

"Well," she said as she started to stand, "I was going to give you a hug if you joined us. I've been thinking about it, hugging, that is, and decided that I would rather have a hug from a naked person than a clothed one. But since you're about to leave, I'd like a hug from you anyway, before you go." I kept my eyes locked on hers, doing my best not to note the fact that her well-sized endowments were exposed as well as "everything else".

I smiled as kindly as possible and opened my arms to greet her. "Come get your hug," I welcomed her. We embraced and I paid attention to where my hands should and should not be. I was aware, then, that she was testing me and teasing me at the same time. She wanted to see just how far my sense of modesty would carry me. I would not be undone, dammit. I kept my cool and when it was "time" (how do you know when to end a hug?) for us to let go of each other, she pulled back and rejoined the circle of nudity. I tried to ignore her backside as she turned away from me, but couldn't help but notice that she shaves "down there." *sigh*

Phil informed me that he had something to talk to me about, but that later would be a good time. "Okay," I said. "Not a problem. My cell phone is still out until, probably, next week, but I'll find a way to call you in the next day or two. Is everything okay? Nothing bad, I hope." He assured me that he was fine and he had nothing but good news.

"She" cut in to inform me that she had been stopping by the cafe the past few days in an effort to see and talk with me. I was working a lot lately and I haven't been around the cafe much. I had been told by a friend, last night, that she had waited three hours in the hopes that I would show up. "I know," I told her. "I was working late Friday and didn't get there until around 3 AM and last night I was at a friend's house, visiting with them. I work Sunday 'till close, but there's a good chance I'll get off work early, around 10 PM. If I don't see you tomorrow night at the cafe, I'll try to stop by your work and we can chat then."

She smiled at this, got up and crossed the room to hug me again. "I know you're about to leave, but I want to give you another hug." Anvil time. At this point I knew that she wanted me to see her naked and not be able to do anything about it. I just took it in stride, accepted the hug and let her go again. As she pulled away the second time, she whispered in my ear, "You've got my mark now." I gave her a quizzical look. "You didn't stare the whole time. You have now not only earned my trust, but my deepest respect, too. Thank you." And she kissed me on the cheek.

I gave her the best, warmest smile I could muster and thanked her for the compliment. I said my goodbyes to everyone there, tipping my hat to the rest of them, and left.

What a difference a day makes.

And that, my friends, is probably the #1 reason why I haven't been laid in nearly two years. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth

Do you have regular bowel movements? Do you get up at the same time every morning and follow the same routine? For example, you take a shower, go downstairs for your breakfast and then take a dump? And have you ever missed out the 'taking the dump' part, maybe because you overslept?

If you have, you may have then paid the price at some point over the course of the day and suffered from what I myself have suffered from over the years. Namely, the dreaded rectal pains.

I don't know why, but missing one regular bowel movement can put me in the most agonizing pain. It literally feels like someone is sticking a red hot poker right up my arse for anything up to 10 seconds. During this time I feel like I'm going to lose all control over my bowels and end up with a huge log in my pants whether I like it or not. If I'm in a formal situation, or away from home or known surroundings this can make me panic. I immediately start thinking of a plan in case the worst comes to the worst. What I usually say to myself, is that I'll run to the bogs, lock myself in a cubicle, take off my pants and flush them down the toilet, disposing of most of the evidence (and smell). I'd hope that I wouldn't get leakage onto my trousers, otherwise I'd be completely up shit creek without a paddle. If I did, I'd have to clean them up with toilet paper as best I could, then make my excuses and leave.

The pain though, is just so intense that it's just cruel that my body could do it to me. Over the years I've learnt to simply grit my teeth and wait for it to pass, then run to the toilet and drop my guts in a controlled fashion.

I have suffered from rectal pains quite a few times lately, as I have just taken up Airsoft skirmishing, this is like paintball but with little plastic ball bearings. It basically involves running around an English woodland trying to shoot people.

But anyway, I have to get up real early to go to this with my brother, who drives us both to the sight. Because I get up so early it doesn't coincide with my regular bowel movement and no matter how much I tense I can't squeeze one out.

I knew this could cause problems for the rest of the day so in my bag I took a bogroll. Of course after an hour of driving I was squirming in my seat not being able to think of anything else other then a lovely white porcelain toilet bowl and some lovely soft quilted toilet paper. Another 30 minutes more of driving we're almost there. By this time the throbbing, stabbing pains are beginning, I have to ask my brother to pull over (we're already in the forest). I leap out with my bogroll and find the least thorniest bush to squat down in.

Now, if you've ever taken a dump out in the open, squatting down, it's a very uncomfortable feeling. You have to make sure you are out of sight, and also that what your dropping out your ass isn't falling into your trousers and pants which are around your ankles. If this had happened it would have been my worst nightmare, but now I know to look out for this potential hazard.

Then you have to wipe your ass kind of half squatting back up. Maybe I just do this because I don’t like reaching under my under-carriage wiping back to front. I like to stand up straight usually wiping from floor to ceiling. This increases the risk of someone spotting you. Overall, this is a really horrible thing to have to do. I'd also hate to be the person taking a stroll in the woods, and then being confronted with a pile of shit stained toilet paper and a huge liquidy turd. But, these things have to be done.

My worst experience of taking a shit in the woods was when I forgot my sacred bogroll. It was autumn not long ago, and the only thing on offer were these tiny thorned leaves. They cut my arse to ribbons and I think I ended up with more shit on my fingers, really not nice, believe me. I don't think my mum was too impressed with the skid marks this caused in my pants either. But hey, she should be used to them by now.

If anyone else suffers from rectal pains, I would be interested to read their handling of the situation. I know I'm not completely unique as one of my mates also suffers from them on occasion, and no, we're not bum chums.

Joined E2
Well, after spending hours and hours here today and yesterday i finally decided to become a member and to contribute to the community.
I will spend some days learning all the rules at the E2 University...

I wonder what my first writeup shall be?
It's been almost two weeks since I've been without my Windoze box. For the price that the hardware vendor quoted me, I might as well just get a new system and rebuild the one that went kaput as another Linux box.

Being that I can't be without my own internet connection, I dug up an older AMD K6-2 system that I installed Linux on when I was in college. I think I set the record for most installs of Linux on a single PC in a day. During my adventure in getting this system to work, I:
  • Configured a Lucent WinModem to work as a LinModem. Required a reinstall when I could not get the modem to pickup the line for a PPP connection.
  • downloaded the 2.4.17 kernel, compiled it, and crashed the system upon rebooting.
  • Reinstalled the system, got the modem working, could not get it to re-dial, X took forever to shut down. Reinstalled hoping that would correct the problem
  • One reinstall caused segmentation faults towards the end of the install
Finally got it working, then decided to download and install Quadra. Got it working, but with no sound. I was also able to chat with my girlfriend on ICQ via ICQ lite I wanted to get the Java version of ICQ, but I wasn't going to wait for another 20MB download at a slow 56K in order to instant message someone.

As this day draws to a close, I go to sleep knowing that I'm another day closer to turning 25.

Ok so it's my birthday....woopdy fookin doo....

My friends and I decided to start celebrating a little early by going out last night. I had to work from ten until four in the afternoon yesterday, but my manager came in early so I could have some extra time to get everything ready. I was making dinner for anyone that might come by before going to the bar.

Focaccia bread with red peppers and cheese, mixed salad, and pasta with a snazzy garlic sauce....mmmm...I was treating myself.

Anyway, my good friend Jane and my friend Paul F from work ended up being the only people that came for dinner, but we had a few laughs over a sweet bottle of white wine. Conversations travelled all over the map it was beautiful.

Like how does a conversation about Manga movies and how I think Ninja Scroll is better than AKIRA suddenly become a conversation about why people use spoons sometimes when they eat pasta?

Perhaps I was the only one who wanted to talk Anime, but I think it might have been the whole lack of sleep thing combined with two glasses of wine.

We decided to leave for the bar at around eight because we wanted to get a couch in the back. There was no way I was going to stand up for five hours after working all day.

Just before we left Jane and I decided to split an E-pill. I have only done that shit once and I really don't have any desire to do it that often. Too many friends of mine been fucked up from taking it all the time. But, I also am fully aware that I only get one chance at life, and unique experiences are limited.

Well, maybe I can't say I "know" for sure, but basically I decided that splitting one with a good friend wasn't that big of a deal.

So we get to the bar and find a table in the back. At first we were playing musical chairs. We start by the fire and got all warm, so when the people near us left, we moved over to where they had been.

Then, ten minutes later,

SUCCESS!

Free couch with plenty of room for people that might come later. Robert, a friend from work showed up first. I was glad he came 'cause he doesn't know a lot of people here yet so I wanted him to meet more "peeps" from work.

Then Monty showed up too and I was glad he came out for the same reason

Monty and Robert both work the night shift, which is usually between eleven p.m. and nine or ten in the morning. We all work at an internet cafe in Dublin, and the night shift can be quite interesting. But if you can try and imagine the type of person that would work the night shift, not the most socially interactive individuals. Most of the time the shops fill up with people that pay for the whole night to play computer games like, Counter Strike and Wolfenstein II. So basically, whoever is working doesn't really have to do anything except make the occasional cup of coffee, or restart whichever computer decides to crash at four-thirty in the morning.

Paul F works the night shift too, although he is the most, dare I say, "outgoing" one in the trio of night owls.

This combination of people made the first hour or so pretty whack because Jane and I were just sitting there like,

"Woohoo....yeah...so....ummm....so....what's up!?!"

And no one was really saying anything, just kind of lost for words I guess. But as more people started showing up, and yeah, after a few pints, they started getting more relaxed and people started sparking more conversations.

The coolest thing about it was that my best friend MatttheGodfather from back in New York was in Dublin for the weekend. He is studying in London this term and so he and a couple of his friends decided to see if what everyone says about Dublin was true.

(If you really want a good explanation of this read, Now entering Dublin, a nice place to puke.)

But anyway, it was just really awesome that he was here. I miss him a lot sometimes because there's not really anyone here quite like him.

Time flows chaotically like the smoke eminating from the cigarette I am enjoying. The E wasn't really doing that much, I was just really happy. I was glad that it didn't fuck with me too much 'cause I like maintaining a certain level of self-control.

At one point my friend Dabhoec called and said he was comnig down, but then a few minutes later he called and said the bouncers weren't going to let him in. I went outside to try and talk them into letting him in, but he was wearing a sweatshopshirt and they weren't going to back down. So I gave him a hug and he just bounced.

Half hour later I get a message from my friend Niall that he was on his way. This was a major surprise 'cause he hurt his ankle last week and had been in the hospital and now was on crutches. So I totally didn't think he was going to come, and I got all pysched 'cause I haven't hung out with him in a while. Twenty minutes later I get a call from him and this time the bouncers don't want to let him in because supposadly he is an "insurance" risk. (Come on now, everyone that comes in that place is an insurance risk.)

I'm really pissed now. I go outside and I ask the bouncers again if they'll just let him in. No luck. So I talk to Niall for a minute, tell him I am sorry, and that I'll come over next week and smoke a spliff with him and he leaves.

I turn around to go back inside and the bouncer is standing in the doorway, he is like

"I'm really sorry but I am afraid I can't let you back in here."

WHAT? WHY?!

"The owner just said don't let that girl back in. You must have bumped him on the way out."

"Ok, well it's my birthday so you are going to at least let me in to go get my stuff and..."

He interupts me and says, "No, it's ok, I am just messing with you," as he laughs deviously.

I was still pissed that they didn't let my friends in, but I'll admit that was classic. I gave him credit for that one.

The next couple of hours we had a lot of fun. Jane had her video camera and was filming everything. (I'm looking forward to watching that later. Ha!) People took pictures, made toasts, laughed at all the hits from the 80's. Oh yeah and most were getting a little tipsy as well.

One of the most amusing parts of the night was Monty falling asleep while sitting in the corner of the couch. Jane got a picture of it too, so the moment is infintely preserved. A little past twelve my friends Billy and Thom showed up. I was really glad to see Billy because she works all the time and we never get to chill out anymore. She and I have lots of laughs, we're absolutely mad!

An hour or so later, a bunch of people left, but it was cool because I was on my way out soon too. I had to work today at ten in the morning so, yippply doo, couldn't stay up too late.

My friend Matt and his friends Ed and John from school in London, my other friend Billy, and Jane all came back to the house to chill for a little while when I left. Jane was really wasted and it was hilarious. She immediately opened a bottle of vodka from earlier and made everyone what I call Cape Codder's. It's just vodka and cranberry juice. She made them kind of strong you could say because Ed turned to me after his first sip and was like,

"Hey you want some of this STRAIGHT vodka, she put a little red food coloring in there to liven things up a bit."


It was funny.

Right when we got home Billy and John started rolling spliffs, some hash, some weed. So we're all getting blazed in my living room and then my flatmate Annie came home.

She is awesome, a real down-to-earth kind of girl. But I could tell she was a little weirded out by the fact that we were smoking in there. Course I didn't really care that much 'cause, fuck it, it was my birthday...ha!

She was a little tipsy so it may not have mattered to her at all, and she got all excited and wanted to give me my presents right then....she just had to take the prices off....

Since my friend Paul infinitely has "borrowed " my the cowprint lighter she gave me for Christmas,

she decided to get me a new one.

It was all silver

and reusable too.

The best part of her gift though had to be the Grow a Date toy thing ! That is so what I need right now, seriously.

I think I'll make him "grow" later and bring him in a little fish tank to the bar with us. Yeah, I think I'll definately do that.

Anyway, she was going to bed so I told her we'd be quiet and said goodnight. The next hour or so we were all just complete messes.. My friend Billy was totally gone and he was making all these perverted jokes and laughing hysterically at himself.

Matt, Ed, and John had to leave at around four in the moring because Matt was flying back to London at half past six.

I was sad to see him go, I wish he could have stayed longer in Dublin, but it's cool. It was still awesome to see him, and we shared a few stories from back home.

I like looking back on our first couple years in college. Mad crazy times that's for sure. Most moments I don't think I could forget if I tried.

Billy left then too, although I was a little worried about him. He was in rare form upon leaving, barely making it down the stairs. But he's "experienced", shall we say, so I'm sure he got home ok.

When everyone had left, Jane and I went back in the living room and just cracked up. Mostly because of how wasted Billy was, but just in general, a lot of funny shit happened that night.

By now it was almost five and after tidying up the lving room a little

(No thanks to that constant, sub-concious drive to be organized and perfect....)

I could hear my bed callling me. Jane passed out as soon as she hit the pillows. I drank some water, set my alarm for 8:50, chuckled at how messy I was going to be at work in roughly five hours, and went to bed.

Now a little over twelve hours later I somehow am still able to function. I suppose that's due to the massiveattack amount of espresso I drank today.

In a couple hours we're going to go out again. Pints of Smirnoff Ice for everyone! Yipppeee!

I must say that this year was a hundred times better than last year.

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