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February 14, 1991


Last night, I had a dream, and in it,

I was being interrogated by a moose which insisted upon holding me captive in my garage. Instead of antlers, he had a set of six Ginsu knives, which explained why he kept trying to give a free knife if I answered his question …

(… plus, if you act now …)

Suddenly, there was another Ice Age, so, there was no alternative but to take me out to dinner. We couldn’t decide on a place, so, we waited for bean sprouts to drill their way through the snow, but we quickly became bored, so we munched on all those edible typewriters lying around the frozen countryside. We were so full that he fell asleep and I invited the gang over for poker, now that we had a moose-table.

Unfortunately, all the ice was temporary and promptly turned to cardboard, which was all eaten by my lawyer’s secretary (who was said to be having an affair with a slice of processed cheese food during the month of October on top of the world’s largest ant farm, which is now on display in the Smithsonian, but only because radishes grow in the dirt under my eighty-fourth best friend’s toenails, which he uses to brush his teeth on Christmas Eve while waiting for the Super Bowl to come on).

Avalanche warnings were cancelled, because pigeons kept dropping slightly rusted tuning forks into Lake Michigan so the fish would have perfect pitch and before I knew it, it was past my bedtime, so I went outside and imitated a refrigerator until an inflatable ambulance trudged by asking for directions to Uganda on this clear, semi-tropical night.

So that’s why my parrots were pooping on my earlobes; they can’t untie my shoelaces, so I guess that’s the next best thing. Then I whipped out my Cuisinart and in only 5, yes five minutes, I made a year’s supply of parrot milkshakes. Unfortunately, hundreds of ASPCA members, cleverly disguised as dead armadillos, captured me, dressed up like mooses, and dragged me to my garage, and the whole thing started over again, and again, and again, and


submitted for DreamQuest 2007.

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