I think that I am incapable of enjoying myself. I went to a show last night to see a band play. I happen to know the lead singer of the band, and I don't dislike their music, so I go to their shows when I know they are playing. I also invited another person to the show with whom I always have interesting conversations involving music. I wouldn't call either of those people just mentioned friends. They are just guys that I know.
The last time I saw his band play I was incredibly drunk and another person I happened to know was at the show. I had known him years ago and not seen him since high school, but we grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same private school. On that night I proceeded to get incredibly drunk and talk about shit from twenty-five years ago. None of it mattered, and no one cared except for me. I didn't care about the subject matter I cared that I was making a fool of myself, and knew it in the moment, and knew it even better upon blurry reflection.
I had resolved to myself that I would just stay home from that point forward, but I'm not very good at keeping resolutions. So last night I went to this show that this guy that I sort-of know was playing. Thankfully I only gave myself a us$30.00 drink budget, and I don't spend one dollar bills, so I stayed mostly sober. Still, though, I found myself, in the moment, thinking how I can never have a good time. I chatted with the person I'd invited for an hour or so before the bands started playing, and I chatted with some of the other people I knew at the bar, but I find it very difficult to connect with people.
I have just come to realize in the past few years that every time I do something where other people are involved it fails to meet let alone exceed my meager expectations. It all comes down to the handshake and the "thanks for coming out." Much like I wasn't necessarily happy to see him, he wasn't thrilled to see me, but he was glad to see that someone seems to have liked his band enough to see them again. I wasn't made for this shit and I should really just stay home, but I will almost certainly go see the band the next time they play. It is all a matter of gluttony and masochism.
Noisy Interference: Shellac - At Action Park