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I feel sick, as if someone slammed a sledgehammer into my gut.

She left me, and boy did she go out of her way to make it hurt. When I woke up this morning, I tasted something horrible. Motor oil. All over me, the bed, the carpet, the walls, everything. The entire house, the house we bought two months ago, was covered in motor oil. She must've used gallons of the stuff.

It took me forever to wash the grimy stuff off in the shower (which was also covered with oil, by the way), and when I got out and grabbed a towel out of the cabinet, I realized my mistake. All the towels were drenched in motor oil as well.

I decided to forego the towel and drip dry.

The phone rang. It was a police officer. Apparently, my car had been involved in an odd accident. It had fallen off a cliff into a shallow stream in the woods, about eighty miles from my house. I checked the garage. Yep, the car was gone. And I had a sneaking suspicion that it didn't just zoom off on its own volition.

I have a feeling this is going to be a very rough week.

Interesting end to the past 3 days.

The second annual EAST Partnership conference has ended, and I'm not too sad.

It's essentially an exhausting run where 10 select students get to display their projects for the year, with one being selected to represent the school. My school's project covered something of a "Smart House" for Habitat for Humanity, but wasn't presented all that well.

The day started with a bit of "abuse" of our equipment (dvd laptop + projector = mini-theater), and watched the first half of The Matrix before the conference began officially at 9:00. We ended the day the same way, only we got to where they have to go back and get Morpheus, and we had to stop.
This year was unusual, because in one year the conference almost doubled in size, expanding from about 50 schools last year to 98 this year. Most of the schools are from Arkansas, with a few from Alabama, Louisiana, the Chicago area, and 3 schools from Hawaii.

Projects were judged and awards were given out yesterday. I can't remember the exact winners(I was way too tired to care at that point), but I do know the prize was a plaque and a nice shiny new Dell laptop.

Oddly enough, as impressive as the conference is (booths filled with computer equipment, touting software ranging from microstation to Softimage 3D), it's a little subjective as to what is impressive. One class wrote a TCP/IP chat program in VB. Whoopee. I built one during the summer at work. Logged on to IRC with it too. Then Avid Software was there too, with their latest machine built for them by IBM. Nice machine, but our p2-300 with Ultra160 LVD SCSI matches it frame for frame, only we use Adobe Premiere (and their machine is a p3-933 with 128MB of RDRAM).

That reminds me. I swear that every booth looked like a freaking TRADE SHOW. Every presentation and booth listed EVERY peice of software they used, from Microsoft Word to the latest high-end peice of 3D wizardry that cost them $18k. Had Microsoft been paid $1 for each time they were mentioned, they'd easily have made $100k+. That brings on the subject of another rant.
Rant ahead.
I'm serious.
Turn back now.
Alright, you asked for it...
It's WAY TOO MICROSOFT ORIENTED. In webpages, everything is done towards IE. Everything is done using NT/2K Server. Everything is done with VB/MSVC++. Only ONE person there I saw was using anything but, and they were using Borland C++ 4.5 and the DOS IDE. And as far as I know, my lab is the only one with a non-windows box. I was tempted to go up to the all-around-NT guy (he's big among the EAST group, he had a fit when he found out our lab was running a linux box), and say "My Linux box says 'Hi'"

Not only that, but some EAST student from the previous year, whom I had met and was pretty cool with, told me one thing as I started to talk with him. "Linux Sucks."

BOFFO! And he's supposed to be a representative for the highly technical half of one of the state colleges.

Personally, I hate NT. It's a bit of a headache to manage at times (we have rebuilding a machine down to an art using Norton Ghost), and tends to be inflexible. 2K I respect more, but it's still not something I like totally. But when people are often actively deferred from using something else because they WANT to try it, and maybe develop something incredible with it (use of non-ms OSes is often actively discouraged on the list serve).

The ideas, and reasoning behind the "East Initiative" are good, and for the most part respectable, but I think that it needs a major overhaul in attitude and administration, and cover more than just windows-based stuff.

End Rant Mode
This sucks.

I'm going to be working for IBM come May after graduation.

This also means I have to find someplace to live.

If you've ever been to Poughkeepsie, you know what I'm talking about. Theres no place decent around here. Most of the places look like ass. Those that don't, are full and dont plan on any opennings. For here, its basically completely yuppie or living like white trash. There is no inbetween.

all i'm looking for is a nice, 1 bedroom apartment which is big enough to house 2 people, a 20 gallon tank with two snakes, and my computer. Only places available are places which are all dilapidated and falling apart. Theres a nice place behind our price chopper, but its yuppie. not to mention full of people who already work for ibm, and they dont plan on leaving soon.

i think i'm going to be living under a bridge.

Last Friday, I got what would be the start of a cold. It had been since November I had gone without a cold. Starts in the same place every time: the glands. Goes from the throat to my nose to my chest, like clockwork. It got so bad that my co-worker, Sandi, suggested I take a day off this week and get some rest. Normally I tough out a cold, considering it to be the least proper reasons to call in sick. I came home Monday night, bought some NyQuil, and conked out. I was interrupted by a call from Carson, who lives with me. He was still at work and couldn't get his car started. We had just come back from the noder gathering in Atlanta with no problems, so I wondered what was up now. He asked me at first if I could come get him, but I had no idea where in the city he was working and wasn't confident enough to rely on my recently drugged mind to navigate, since there was no way to call him if I got lost. I talked him into calling a cab. I barely remember the time frames between him coming home and going to bed, I was that plowed.

The following morning, I decided that calling in would be the best thing, since the dust in the body shop doesn't help when you're coughing from your sternum in an effor to clear your lungs of green phlegm. While I was at home, I called a tow truck to go get Carson's car and he took mine to work. I sat at home again and dosed myself, wanting to suck up as much sleep as possible. I should note here that I was picking the worst time to quit smoking and had subsequently ripped up the last half pack of cloves and poured them into a bowl and set it on the counter in the kitchen. I caught myself lighting a few of the butts before I doused the bowl with water, leaving it on the counter as a testament.

So today I get Carson to get up with me at 7am (when normally he wouldn't get up until 10 or so, since he doesn't have to be at work until 2pm) and drop me off at work. When he put his keys in his car for the tow truck driver, he locked them in the car (doh!) out of habit. So when I got here, I had to get them out only to start the car up with no problems. Oh well. While the car was here, I might as well get the other things checked out. His trunk wouldn't close after a while and he was worried his CV joints might be going bad. Well the good news was that his CV joints were fine. The bad news is that he needs a new rack and pinion and steering pump, because it's leaking. The good news is that they don't have to be replaced right now but there's no real sign to indicate when they will need to be.

I was able to get the trunk lock re-welded (since from forcing it shut while on the Atlanta trip, we practically ripped the mount out of the sheet metal) for $100, and that's pretty good. Working in a body shop is often a good thing. And as much as I complain about it, working in a car dealership with a full service and parts department is also a very very good thing.

As I got into the car to go home, it wouldn't start. I tried jumping the battery. The interior lights came on, but nothing more than that. I got a bigger charger. No dice. I get a mechanic to tap on the starter with a hammer while I turned the ignition. Nothing.

Greg, remember when I just now asked for a battery for a 92 Taurus? Well, you got a starter back there, by chance?

I have to say, I love service technicians who work the late shift. We got out the little tractor and towed the car around, and right now a mechanic's popping that baby in for me.

You have reached the home of Laura Uhl. I'm either not at home or online. Leave a message. Thank you very much. BEEP.

Yeah, Carson. If I'm not home by the time you get this, come to the dealership and bring some money. I'd say $100 would be good. We're putting in your starter. And oh, the parades are running in Metairie. You may have to find another way here.

Yep, that's right, the Mardi Gras parades run in the suburbs too. Ain't life grand?

Lately, I feel like the wall between myself and the rest of the world is ten feet thick.

Too many acquaintances and too few friends doesn't even begin to describe it. Thinking of the people I talk to in the halls (fellow weirdoes, people I had a class with once or twice), I might know half of their names. This after 12 years of going to school with them.

I've had 18 years, and I've been in one relationship, lasting three days. She compared my personality to a brick wall, and she was the one who wanted to be with me.

Fuck this. I'm barely able to type out a half decent writeup to E2 right now, but I'm going to change, and it's happening really fucking soon.

Went to an AHL hockey game tonight. The Crunch beat the (not so) Mighty Ducks of Cincinnati 4-1. I haven't gone to a pro hockey game since the San Francisco Spiders were around. The only NHL game I've been to was on my 18th birthday with my Dad.

It's funny, I won the tickets in a dance contest yesterday night. First prize was a free body piercing, which went to a girl. She was bugging the D.J. all night to run the contest, so I think he just gave it to her. I'm not bitter though. After she left the club the D.J. admitted that I was the better dancer. Vindication. I'd have rather seen the hockey game anyway.

He also gave me a free drink ticket which I didn't use.

if one more man that i happen worship kisses me, then reveals how he is too fucked up, how the time is not right, and how the place is all wrong for anything to grow between us as a way to break my heart, i think i’m going to kill myself. no, wait. not myself.


this has happened too many times this year. maybe this newest case is a chance for me to prove i learned from the last one, but i think i’m too fragile now to be that strong. i’ve been so sad so long now. not that long maybe. but longer than i have been in a while. if i string this out and talk him into being with me it’ll just hurt more in the end. i think i learned that from you, dear. i think i did. but i keep on holding out, hanging onto the tremble in his voice and the way that he too talks of someday, and i want to love him anyway, and want him to try no matter his misgivings. aren’t i worth that?

maybe that particular question is the problem precisely.

i bet you i’m worth more than that. and that’s why it has to hurt like this for now.

So my new Business Cards arrived the other day. I was looking forward to it since at my last employer there was a policy against printing Qualifications on business cards and I was finally looking forward to using my letters at last.

When the cards arrive however, my letters are conspicuously absent and it is explained to me that Object Oriented has just recently instituted a policy against qualifications on business cards too. What the fuck is going on?. This policy is following me. No one ever seems to be able to explain the reasoning behind it either. Its like some sort of giant business card conspiracy.

They also came back listing my title as 'Consultant' rather than 'Software Engineer' as I had asked. ( Well actually I asked for 'Computer Geek' but I settled for Software Engineer ). It's true that I consult but then these days people who sell mobile phones in the street are called consultants. sigh.

Im going to stop obsessing about it now because Im starting to sound like Patrick Bateman.


I'm... sort of tired but awake.

Last night I finally found a good NES emulator, FCE Ultra. "Good" in a sense that the sound quality was good, it used full-screen double-size mode, and it had a frame limiter. Byebye nestra and iNES =)

Hmm... Metal Gear has the same "game over" music as Metal Gear Solid training missions.

Today... well, I hope something interesting will occurr eventually.


No, I didn't get to go for the second phase of driving school. The course was full.

Wow! grip finally supports Ogg Vorbis! This is probably cooler than my old Rexx script for CD ripping...

Oh, yeah, the first CD from which I ripped music from? TaRuTe's Before the storm. (Yes, I sort of like this stuff. In its own way. =)

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Metal Gear FCE Ultra svgalib Grip

Updated: DK Rap

I'm sketching this note on a stray computer, in the corner of the newspaper office. It's a late night.

It's a campus paper, and the late-breaking story, full of cover-ups and inconsistencies, deals with the upcoming student body president elections next week, so all in all, it's not a big deal in global terms but still... I find my body full of electricity. Margie makes another connection, and we all, the four or five of us still here, we smile, we urge her on, we laugh at the poor, pitiful fools that are going to be nailed down by the unerring eye of journalism at its best. But it's late.

Another forged signature. Another admission of guilt. The candidate almost conceded tonight, just after midnight. I was there.

I'm not a journalist by trade. I happened onto this job rather haphazardly. I was, well, I still am, a music major, playing oboe, but that past seems so far behind me now. I wrote columns and then I was promoted, not unwillingly, to an editor position. So all this news-making -- all this "this just in!" -- it strikes me as novel, I'm still not used to it. But the electricity is wearing out.

We're a weary band of galley-slaves, the six of us. Krysia waits for the final pieces of the design; Margie is writing the last news story; Brad is writing the editorial, which I will then edit and send to Jeff, who will do a final check and send it to Krysia, who has left a big, gaping whole on the opinion page. Then I'll make sure the editorial fits, and print it off for April, who will make sure the page is just...perfect.

A silent camaraderie grows between us. We are the final watch. We are the eyes of the student. I didn't come into this job expecting to love journalism, but I find that I do.

Night 13 before I leave California for Germany, perhaps forever. I suppose the packing is going OK. I'm trying not to stress about the particulars and concentrating more on the ways in which my life is in transition.

Last night I had dinner and a drink with an ex-girlfriend, my first love, who, while we only spent a month and a half together ten years ago, has played a main role in my life, sometimes in absentia, sometimes as the source of my pain, sometimes of my hope. I don't mean to get all melodramatic, but you need to know how important she is to me, even though I'm not in love with her any more, at least not in a way that makes me want to be with her.

So during the two beers, toward the end of the evening, it dawned on me that if I ever see her again it will be with buckets of new experience behind me. And this trip to Germany is the fulfillment of a dream I have had for years and tried to realize seven years ago... and failed utterly. This is my chance to make it right, play it right.

And most importantly, the woman I love is waiting for me in Berlin. I am rather afraid of my hope, afraid of my happiness in this miraculous new relationship. The woman I love now was in fact my second love, harking back to 1994, when I didn't believe I could love again, and was blindsided by intense feelings that both awakened my hope and ripped me open from stem to stern. That situation didn't go so well in 1994, but it changed me irrevocably.

So this trip, this move, is a huge transition for me. I smell freedom and happiness and it's terrifying. I need to leave all the bitterness behind, from loves #1 and #2 and my recently failed marriage. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on the events that are coming up, because it can scotch things.

At the end of it all, at the end of last night, I said to my first love what was in my heart, which was "Be well," a sort of goodbye, and walking away I felt a sense of awe. I feel that now. There's a lot of power in me yet. At last I can say to myself (and begin to believe), "Everything's going to be all right."


What a difference a day makes.

Didn't make it to work today... Don't ask why, I couldn't tell you.

Wow... got a Lan Party comming up in a few days. Get ready for Wastelan peeps - we're gonna really rock the Sun Dome this month..

Kinda odd, my car's the last place I've got to really listen to music the way i like it. Ended my CD purchasing drought today - acquired _Things_Falling_Apart_ by none other than Trent Reznor and crew. Whoa. Alot better than I'd expected.

As I was thinking about purchasing it earlier today, someone gave me a call. Of course, I was too busy listening to Bjork to hear the phone ring in the other room... But I figured I'd check my caller-id anyway, and she'd called. So I called back.

"Well, I'm gonna go out and pick up a CD, wanna come with?" "Sure, I'm not doing anything... Come pick me up."

So we went to the mall. She knows just about everyone there after working there for quite some time (until about a year ago). Well, that and she's quite the "social butterfly"... Anyway, it was kinda annoying to tell the truth. She even went as far as asking her friend at Sam Goody to give me, someone she didn't even know, her employee discount. Riiight. So we left pretty quick. "I've never done the mall that fast before, hehehe", she remarked on the way out... "Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

So we left. And I drove... And drove... And drove..... And we talked. And I listened to Reznor, I think she did too.

Chips and salsa... Tia's employees may not always be the nicest people, but it's one of the coolest places to go if you just wanna chill. Free chips and salsa, and you're set. :) We got to talking and stayed for a few hours, as is the custom with most Tia's visits. Then...

Tampa International Airport. The place where only four types of people bother visiting... One: Those passing through headed to (or from) better places. Two: Employees of the airport's many departments. Three: CIA/NSA/FBI agents looking for international terrorists. Four: Bored Tampa residents looking for something to do on a Wednesday night. As you can guess, we weren't a part of the first three.. We did get a chance to talk alot though and discuss alot of interesting things. I talked about music, Reznor, and Linux, and it really was interesting to hear about all the strange places she'd had sex... But I won't get into any of the aformentioned subjects here on e2.

We left after a few hours though. But while we were there, something must've clicked... The ride back was kinda interesting, and she'd already broke her curfiew. So we went back to my place... And . . . Well ... ... ... yeah.

Life has changed, and I think it's fun now. :)

Somehow things are different now... It's weird too, very little emotional involvement, very little in the way of commitment - simply a verbal agreement to keep things exclusive - and enough physical contact to make the two of us pretty satisfied with life. My morals are in tact and my dignity is still there, so it's not like I did something against my ethics...

Update-February 27, 2001: See today's daylog to make sense of the above statements. Well, okay, maybe not make sense of, it'll never make sense.

And anyway, things between me and Sarah have been over for awhile - it just took me until recently to notice it. She's evidentally got no interest in being close to me anymore, and if she's dropping me like a bad habit I don't see how this is any worse. Not my loss, and not my problem anymore. Still... Should I feel bad? Or even think about the situation with her anymore?

Guess so.. Stopped by her place earlier, and got a lil' taste of why I should. I've still got to be her friend, albeit one that's kept farther away than arm's length. Oh well, what can I do now?

So, yeah... What a day. Got a new CD, got to enjoy myself for once, and managed to keep myself together in the process.

I knew it'd take a certain something to kickstart my life. Seems like it's made at least a temporary impact... Now I feel like I've moved on, even though I moved on months and months ago.

Every day is an epiphany.

BTW, why couldn't I have picked up Telegram five years ago?! Bjork is really something . . else.

Another post-addition edit... Removed the names of the innocent to protect the, erm, innocent.
I did two things today that I really don't like very much. First, I skipped my scheduled work out. Second is I blew someone off that I really shouldn't have.

The person that I blew off called me on the phone because I didn't show up as promised. They called me twice. I don't know for a fact that it was them, because even though I have an answering service, it doesn't let me screen calls. I'm pretty sure it was them, though. This person is my boss. The place I didn't show up at, is work.

Now, I think ordinarily most people might think this was quite serious and that I might get fired if I did this, but I actually can't get fired, because I'm indispensable. Wow, that sounds so bizarre, even as I type it, but it's true and it just dawned on me.

The really strange thing is I'm not worried, instead, I feel guilty. I let my boss down when he was counting on me. But I feel, that I'm being taken advantage of, and I don't really want to be there.

My stomach churns.

Last week I had an email from my best friend. I hadn't heard from him in a 6 months, today I found out why.

Any of you that know me really well know I like children, I'm happiest playing Uncle. My best friend and his wife lost their baby. Not just a normal miscarriage, but a "missed abortion" at 4.5 months. It meant a complete birth, taking 36 hours, with the obvious exception to a normal birth. This was followed by a miscarriage 4 months later.

My last email had enquiried after "the bump". I feel so shitty.

Gettign in here a little late this afternoon.

Work is smooth... set up contacts with the Financial Times today. Lunch was lamb, green beans and minnestroni.

Not nuch on my mind today... feel like splitting work early and heading home to a big fat spliff.
God I'm such a stoner.
I love this new book I'm reading, given to me by Kristi, called Eureka Street. It takes place in Belfast and is very ironic and sweet and funny.

Kristi is always turning me onto good books. It's one of the things I love best about her other than her mind, body, pesonality, hip huggin Desiel jeans, lack of cooking skills, sense of humor, compassion, insecurities, general sexiness, smile, eyes, lips, hands, feet, tongue, determination, independence, funny accent, specific sexiness, brains, brawn, westling skills, etc {but not in that order}.

Much mellower today, yesterday i was all hyped and amped because i was hitting level 4. now that I'm there i realize once again... it's the journey, not the destination that matters.

TToday i nodded:
Ken Babbs
Grateful Dead
Robert Hunter
Be seeing you E2.

Once again, I left the conference room feeling incredibly pissed off at my client, boss and just about anyone else I could think of. Unfair criticism, unrealistic demands, lack of faith in my skills... This has become an all too familiar occurrence lately.
But today, after sitting at my desk for a while and cooling off, I understood something. I'm actually angry at myself. I fail to meet the clients' and bosses' demands and schedules due to my own lack of motivation, faulty attitude and good old fashioned laziness. I fully admit I'm not committing anywhere near 100% of my energy and brainpower (the little I possess) to this job. When I think through things as objectively as possible, I can see the people in charge have been more than generous with me, and standed my unprofessional behavior for much longer than they should.

As I see it, I've got two options. One is to give up, quit my job and go live in the woods as a hermit on a vegan diet. The other is unfscking myself, trying to gather whatever motivation and concentration is attainable and work like hell. The latter is naturally the more intelligent choice. But the kind of growth it requires would most likely take a long time, especially for such an immature individual. And worst of all, being successful in following the choice probably means I'll have to shut down IRC and E2 for the workdays.

I forgot, were ultimate sacrifices supposed to make a person feel truly alive, or truly screwed?

Btw, welcome to Everything2, Deee. You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.

Today could prove to be somewhat interesting. The college I attend is holding a snow sculpture contest for winter carnival, meanwhile it's -18 degrees outside (that's celsius). I'm looking forward to watching all the first year accounting students out in the snow, freezing miserably, only to realize the snow isn't fit to make anything but a snowbank. I'm not saying I want them to fail, since the class with the best snowbank wins free pizza, I just want to watch them struggle. I think the best sculpture they could make would be to lightly pack the first person to freeze to death in a small amout of snow, so that he looks like he's made of snow, but still has detail. The judges would be blown away by our talent. I've also suggested they make a fridge with real beer inside, just to work the bribery angle. The class has no school spirit, no motivation, and no talent. The only way we'll win this is through conniving and trickery, and that's where we get top marks.

Blimey! I did it. All the CSS1 properties are now noded and - and this is the cute bit - I put up a couple of really tacky examples.

The gas fitters have finished. (They were actual British Gas employees.) We have hot water coming out of our taps! The radiators are hot! Indeed, the whole house is warm, at last! (Okay, too many exclamation marks. Stop now.)

The electrician couldn't make it. He's coming tomorrow, along with the window people. More fun! (Sorry.)

Some hours later...

It's sweltering hot. The electrician is coming to fit the room stat (snazzy radio control thing) and programmer so, at the moment, the boiler is just on. On for everything. And there's no stats on the radiators either. I guess we just have to turn it off. Or, rather, down to the lowest setting.

I wonder if it then pumps cold water around the system...

There's a training class at work today.

I asked my manager why he's attending and I'm not. His response? "You're not a manager."

I could live with that, except lots of people who are attending are NOT managers. My manager just enjoys pushing the fact that he's my manager in my face all the time. Don't say he's not, because he's doing this constantly. I hate people like that. His manager says it's because some people become arrogant when they're put in a position of leadership.

Yep. That's him all right.

Another thing I've noticed at work (that I've always noticed) is the abundance of intelligent, friendly, outgoing females - many of which I am compatible with. I like everyone here, and everyone likes me back (I think?), however, it's frustrating when I meet a woman that I like (and grow to "like"), and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. This is emphasized by the harassment training we had the other day that explicitly stated "do not become involved romantically with co-workers."


Let me tell you a story. Waaaaaay back in July of 2000 (or thereabouts), our receptionist went on vacation. We were blessed with a temporary receptionist of incredible beauty, a charming smile, and a great personality. Alas, she would be with us for only a few days.

I wracked my brain deciding whether to ask if she wanted to go out sometime, and discussed it with one of my friends in the department. He suggested I give it a shot, because she would only be with us for a few days, so I had a limited amount of time before she was gone for good. Besides, if she said "no", I'd suffer limited embarassment as I'd probably never see her again.

So I dug deep within myself, and found the courage to (shakily) ask "Hi. I was wondering if you'd like to, maybe hang out sometime?" Corny? Yes. I've had very little practice. To my surprise, she said "sure!" Unfortunately, as I later found out, this was simply to spare my feelings.

As an added bonus, she became permanent with the company. Doh!

Time warp to the past two months. We've had a few new hires, some of which I really like. Plus, employees are constantly flying down from corporate, and adding to the pool. (Don't take me for a stalker. I've never had someone to care about/care about me, and I'm looking for that "certain someone". That's all.) Our technical trainer actually suggested her and I go out for lunch. That didn't happen, however, because she had to rush back to NY on short notice. Ah well.

But now, my hands are tied because of the fact that anything I do of this sort can be construed as sexual harassment. I'm not about to get myself fired for this, but it frustrates me when I think about what "could be" and what "could have been." I won't ever know if any of the women in my office would ever be interested in me, because they're bound by the same rules as I.

Damn Damn.

Another fun tidbit of office fun today. I enjoy listening to music in my workspace. I usually use headphones, but I misplaced them this week. (They're in my gym bag.) So I've been considerate, and have been listening to my music at reasonably low volumes.

That's not good enough for some people. Someone complained to my manager about my music.

You know, I'm a very reasonable person. I get along with everyone. Why is it so hard to walk over to me, and nicely ask "Hey, I'd appriciate it if you can turn your music down/off. Thanks so much." I can understand how music can be distracting, hence the low volume at which I normally keep it. Just tell me, and I'll fix it.

That has a much more positive effect than telling my manager to tell me. Come on.

Lunch Log: Spicy Hunan Beef w/ Rice, and Wonton Soup.

Today I got to call in sick. Normally I Hate missing work days (probably due to the evils of a Catholic upbringing...) but as breathing and walking and coughing are hard to do - let alone driving in the snow with other Marylanders (who inherently don't know how to drive on snow) and the fact I want to be healthy again, calling in sick was a welcome change. That and the ability to collect about twenty or so non-contiguous hours of sleep helped too...it may have been better if I didn't cough myself up the innards of a lung every three hours or so...but that probably means the medicine is working too...

But I'm running low on that. I don't want to brave the elements as I'm finally feeling better...but I don't want to not have medication either...We shall see, we shall see.

I wish my head wasn't a mess of emotions when I'm sick, but this part is also part of being sick. I guess my whole system wants to be healthy or not...like peer pressure for the other parts of my being...I need to find the leader and pressure him.Or perhaps intise him with offers he can't refuse...but I am delusional I guess and he's probably the doing.

But the fever hasn't been here for days now, though I'll check again to be sure. That's a releif, since all the medical advice said I don't have to go to medical professional unless my symptoms are accompanied by a fever or persist for a week...(which would be Sunday...) and as I dislike the feelings I get when visiting those types that's another minor plus...though I should find a regular general practicioner for myself soon...I guess a checkup won't hurt too much - NO PROBES!!! - sorry. Habit.

Anyway there's about a half a foot of snow on my car and it's only snowed for about 4 hours or so...That's gonna slow down my progress in obtaining medication. (This shows people how annoyed/uncomfortable I am...since I don't like taking any medication under usual circumstances like a headache or sore muscle etc...)

I am one happy bitch!

I couldn't even breathe when I walked up the sidewalk to the playhouse door this afternoon to check the cast list. The pen in my sweaty hand was bent to the point where it will forever have white stretchy marks. I looked at the list, and Yes!

I am Creon!

A handful of football players leaving the gym stopped to stare in horror at my spasmotic whiteboy happydance across the playhouse lawn to my car. Having watched Army of Darkness three nights ago, I was prepped to look at them and give my best Ash imitation: "Hail to the King, Baby!"

Damn it feels good to be a goddess in progress.


I regret to inform you that the following writeup contains no depression at all. Nothing morose and downbeat. Not a she-left-me-and-I'm-heartbroken plaint. No lost loves, dead friends, or tragic losses. If you want angst, go someplace else.

Let me tell you about a near-perfect day....

Quick background:

As I noted in a recent daylog (February 9, 2001), I've just changed jobs, going from a boring no-brainer job at a newspaper to a new job as a research assistant to one of the lectors at the University of Copenhagen. Well, after a week of tying up loose ends, I ended my old job and started my new one, this past Monday.

My new job is at irregular hours, whenever I want it. I have a few meetings with my employer during the week, but apart from that, I'm on my own. Most of the time, I work at home, or do research at the University library. In short, it suits my lifestyle perfectly.

But the best part of it - the very best part - is that I am doing real professional historical research for the first time in my career. I'm getting paid for doing something that I'd really, gladly do for free.

Oh, yes...I promised you a "near-perfect day"...well, here goes:

Up bright and early (6:30 AM), in order to send the kids and my fiancée off. Early enough that there is plenty of time to spend lingering over coffee and the morning paper, and to let the kids wake up slowly and gently.

Next, follow my eldest son to kindergarten, again taking plenty of time to play with LEGO and generally give him a good start to his day.

Back to the apartment, another pot of coffee on the percolator, and dive into the numbers.

Three hours later, I surface again - having uncovered several previously unsuspected facts concerning the Danish Smallholder Party's election results in the local elections of 1953, and the level of party organisation. (Mental note: I must remember to node this subject someday). For bonus points, I have also uncovered a statistical probability that the membership figures of the local party organisations have been "prettied-up" (there is a suspicious number of local groups with membership figures that appear to have been rounded off, making their validity as data suspect). I'll have to speak with my employer about this - could turn out to be important.

I'm a scholiopath (I haven't noded this yet - but I define this as someone who takes scholarship to pathological extremes), so this sort of thing is like hog heaven for me.

More coffee, more number crunching, and a growing familiarity with the more obscure boroughs of mid-20th century Danish political/administrative structure. Could be mistaken for dry stuff, but it isn't.

Around 3 PM, I go back to the kindergarten, pick up my eldest son, and take him to the public bath for a swimming lesson in the pools. On the way home, I buy him a hot dog (it being a matter of tradition that after his weekly swimming lessons, he gets to skip a balanced meal in favour of junk food) and later, I read Hal Foster's "Prince Valiant" to him until he's ready for bed.

An hour of vegetating in front of the boob tube, and its playtime for me. Log on and kick some alien arse in Stellar Crisis, then random surfing on E2.

Yes, I'd call that a near-perfect day.

Okay, so it wasn't perfect:

I didn't win a fortune in the lottery. I didn't discover a cure for cancer or the common cold. My knee still hurts from having strained it lifting weights yesterday.

On the other hand, my eldest son kissed me good-night and told me he loved me....and my youngest son said "ball" today.

Yep, that will do, until "perfect" comes along.

life is fucked up,i am fucked up, people are fucked up,this whole world is fucked up. I have finally found a girl i really like, i think she likes me, but it can never go anywhere. hand me the noose. i am just gonna give up with girls (not meanin im gonna turn to men). lager is my friend. my only friend, and even that will fuck me up given time. oh joy!!!!!! stickin me and me car in to the path of a truck is lookin favourite. and maybe ill take some of the fucked up people in this world with me, just for fun of course...................

Today I missed a friend of mine. I missed talking to her. Previously I had told myself I would just leave her alone because that was the vibe that I got from her..

I called her up, tried to get some conversation. Suddenly I was in a sullen mode, unable to think of anything to talk about.. I grappled for topics but couldn't quite choose anything. After some small talk.. silence. Just silence. No words. It was not the comfortable silence. It was the uncomfortable silence. I felt like a goon and I ended the conversation.. I hate drifting away from people.

Today began pretty normal, waking up to alarm clock at 6:30, getting up at 6:45 (heh) getting to school by 7:10 so I can talk to my friends in the hallway till 7:18 when I walk to german class, have my daily talks of any obscure topic with my very cool teacher and my friends Oompa, Sang, Kim, Danny and Marcus (today's talk was food, then to hunting, then back to food, religion, food, porn, food, my teacher was hungry). Anyway, then I went to world history which was boring as usual, I aced a vocabulary test on the Mayan, Incan and Aztec civilizations. Now off to Health II, wow a sub today, I finished the work and talked to Oompa and Travis until suddenly the whole class breaks into an uproar, somebody had walked in talking about how hard it was snowing, at first I didn't believe anything I was told (there were no windows in the classroom I was in at the time). Well class proceeded as usual, they let out for lunch, and as I looked out the doorways of the school I saw nothing but a huge cloud of white, it was actually snowing, for the first time since 1999 it was snowing. I immediately got excited and Oompa, Travis and I walked to the courtyard next to the cafeteria and just stood enjoying the snow, snowballs were thrown and lunch was great. Towards the end of lunch one of our assistant principals got hit straight in the head by a snowball and he immediately started yelling at us all to walk back inside. As lunch ended we were anxiously anticipating the call for school to let out early today, but as time went on our hopes diminished. Finally by 1:05 over the PA we heard that school will be let out, however we didn't get out until 1:30 (my school gets out normally at 2:05) I was horribly mad, wow I big 30 extra minutes, thats just enough time for me to get to work early, yay! So, Adam dropped me off at work as always...and I got the pleasure of working an extra 30 minutes....sarcasm is intended. Oh well....perhaps today was a lesson to tell me that use your first instinct, and never change it, today began feeling like a normal day, and just when i thought maybe today would be different, maybe today would be a nice snow day I realize that today was jsut another regular boring school day...just with some snow, yay. Oh well maybe the roads will freeze over tonight and school will be cancelled tomorrow...maybe monkies will fly out of my ass.

The bell tower was striking ten as I walked back, under rain that wasn't quite. So many things I must do, and I still take the time to spend eight bucks, a lot of money for a college student (no, I am not one of the rich Baylor kids, I'm here on scholarship... and just barely)... on a play. My roommate wonders, why would I spend that much if I'm not even getting extra credit points? I wonder, what is wrong with her mind to make her get up early to go work out.

I love walking across campus in the dark, especially when everything is shining from mist that can't make up its mind whether to fall or hover around. My mother told me never to walk alone after dark. I justify my actions: there are still people around.

I watched The Shadow Box, which is about a bunch of people with cancer. Something that has never come close to me. I can't understand how it feels, and I am selfishly glad that I don't. The life expressed, though, still makes me cry. It hurts to try to hold it back, to try not to shake and gasp and make noises (I am a disgusting crier), because I don't want to interfere with the play, and I am among strangers.

It was a fleeting thing, like spending a few hours in someone else's life... only I don't know how to feel as them, and there is no way I can translate the strange message that embedded itself in my soul.

So I just cried in the almost-but-not-quite rain, while the bell tower sounded the hour.

After work, TC and CR and I got together for some after-work activities. TC wanted to suprise her boyfriend at his work, so we went down there for dinner and then over to Boomer's. They have a small roller coaster there which I was easily talked into going on. I've never been on an outdoor roller coaster before, but it was great. They were all worried about me getting sick and all, but it wasn't that big of a deal actually.

We hung around and played Gauntlet in the video arcade for about two hours. That's a great game. I'll have to see if it's available on the PC.

I got home at around 11pm. I was a little anxious about meeting with Sara tomorrow; but it's just as friends, so there's not as much pressure. This seems better in a way, actually.

It had been snowing heavily from the minute I sat down in Western Theatre, so I wasn't looking forward to the long walk home. But when I stepped out of the main Lang building, the snow was soft and wet and...quiet.

That's the most amazing thing, in New York City. Everything glowed softly, and was very still. Few pedestrians, and fewer cars. 11th Street was near ankle-deep in seemingly unmarked snow, and I turned my face up and marveled that for once it wasn't the sharp, angry ice bits that attacked the city a week or so ago. I walked home, everything from my footfalls to passing buses muted.

Most of the sidewalks weren't shoveled or salted, so my too-long corduroys got soaked, and I ended up looking like an ice sculpture by the time I got back to 15D, but I just shook off my coat and hat, sat on the bed and watched the buildings below me turn white.

Flowers. The receptionist brought this huge bunch of flowers to my room when I was seeing my 9 am patient. Wow, I thought, a belated V. day thought??
Here you go, Mrs Soandso, the florist sent them to you. Oh darn it, they were for my patient - it was her birthday and a friend from Queensland had heard she was going to the dentist. Somehow this resourceful friend had gone to the trouble of finding out which dentist she was seeing and when the appointment was, and got the flowers delivered. Sigh, not me.

Then later my nurse said, I have to tell you about our next patient.
She's brought flowers for you.
Really?The day keeps getting stranger.
She thinks she's getting her denture today. She doesn't want us to give you the flowers until after she leaves.
Oopps. She's not getting her denture today. *pause* Oh dear… we're doing a "try-in". Call the lab and see if they can process the repair and have it back by 4.30 TODAY!

Situation adverted! Apparently the patient wanted to apologise for being such a pain. I mean, for being troublesome. Yeah, she was driving me nuts because she wasn't happy with the way her new denture looked. She wanted them like her old one (which look urm…. aesthetically-challenged). This was the 3rd time!

So I was happy, though a bit confused at the change of heart.

Freedom is a wonderful thing.

Today for lunch I went out to eat, instead of staying inside and eating alone. It's cool outside, and promising rather than threatening rain. The wind is firm in its gusting, and cold, but not in an evil way...in more of a happy child running through the snow way.

I went to the Thai place just down the road...it always feels warm and welcoming inside, and the people whom work there are happy and friendly by choice and not by job description. It's a wonderful place, and Masu and I eat there often...often enough that they all know us on sight, now.

They welcomed me with hellos and how are yous as usual, and then smiled and asked where my friend was. I smiled and told them that she was at work, and that it was only me for lunch. They gave me a nice place by the window and didn't bother setting out the silverware or plates (don't need plates because they knew I'd get something that comes with its own plate)...just chopsticks, napkin and water. It made me feel good that they don't bother with the American utensils.

I ordered myself avocado maki and a combo lunch special of tofu ginger and pad Thai with a Sprite and miso soup on the side. On the sushi order sheet, as always, I wrote "No Wasabi, please ^_^" and the waiter giggled as he took my order. They know our peculiar tastes by now...no wasabi or hot sauce...no silverware...they're so wonderful there.

As I ate, I looked out the huge window I was seated in front of, watching people go by...watching the clouds promise and the winds throwing snowball-ish gusts at each other in play. I watched the restaurant across the street...Magnolia...and the outdoor porch above it, on the roof with its tall, upright bird feeder. I smiled, watching the tiny birds eating and fluttering and then scared off by the clumsy pigeons that struggled for balance on the feeder and never seemed to actually eat anything.

I took my time eating and didn't notice all the other people leaving to continue their lives until the last two people paid for their rice and chicken and left...and then I was the only customer in there. I listened as the waiter and waitress changed the loud, obnoxious American pop music into soothing Thai style melodies...and I loved it. I loved that they knew me well enough to play their own music with me there and not continue the blasphemous pop. It made me smile.

I paid for my bill a few minutes after and tipped 30%. The spoke to me as I left...made sure I liked my meal, which I loved, and I told them how I liked their music much better than the American stuff they played for everyone else...and this pleased them a great deal. They told me to say hello to Masu when I saw her, and we all laughed, and I promised I would...and then I left, happy to be alive, happy to live here, happy for love, and for freedom.

And before I forget...Hello, Masu, my love.

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