February 23, 2004

Life is splendid

Today I lost my shoe,
I didn't know what to do
I went to find it
My steps I rewinded
And stepped in some dog poo

I told myself, "No, No
"This way you cannot go,
"You'll end up losing your way."
So I knelt down and prayed.

Last daylog I wrote, I said I should have at least two nodes before I write one more daylog. But then I said to myself, "If it's all about the XP I shouldn't even be writing." So I don't give a rat's patookus if I stick with that plan.

About Kari

She has green eyes. The kind that pierce at you and let you know she's looking at you from a mile away. She has raven, curly, long hair that shimmers in the moonlight. She has a smile that makes me weak in the knees every time she even grins.

I love the way she turns red after I just stare at her and smile for awhile. I love the way she sometimes struggles to get the words out of her mouth, but giggles when she says something wrong. I love the fact that she doesn't care about what others think about her. I love her.

Her striking inner beauty is like finding King Solomon's Mines in New York City. She is beautiful on the outside as well as the inside.

Before Valentine's Day. My love for her and remain disclosed. I wait pace around in my mind for hours and struggle with even this idea of love. I had never known what it meant to love a femal outside of my family in the way that I love her.

I actually put on a nice shirt and tie (ick) for Valentine's Day. I took her out and we had dinner at a romantic Italian Restauraunt. At dinner we talked and before our meal was served (beacause I didn't want icky plates in the way of a serious moment), I declared my love for her. She was stunned, but she said it back! My heart soared and my body felt like it had just been shot through the roof. I could see the moon the stars and maybe even, God's smiling face.

That night, I took her home. At the door way I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I could barely sleep that night, my adrenaline was pumping so hard!!

Never, ever make the mistake of looking at only the outside appearance of a person (this is more for the guys). If you do you will miss out. if you are single and are just waiting for the "Perfect 10" to come along you will miss years and years of laughter, joy, and you will only feel sadness when you give it away to filthy, shallow people.

That is all.

Goodnight, gentle noders.

Two years ago today I stood in front of a full-length mirror checking out that I looked fabulous in the mermaid tail and sparkly clamshells. I was content with the look; the joy of long blonde hair is regardless that you are touch tubby, you make a great mermaid. I was off to a party, free of the shackles of the most hideous relationship; I was foot loose and fancy free. I had no idea how one night would affect the rest of my life.

It is two years today I met Michael, two years since he first kissed me. I can still feel that kiss the physical contact so palatable that I can almost taste the chlorine from the swimming pool. The ridiculousness of the situation is still makes me smile. In a pool, naked bodies left, right and centre and this man kissed me. Dripping wet from swimming wearing black non descript underwear and no make up and he still kissed me. I can’t believe it was two years ago.

I have had plenty of boyfriends and a number of girlfriends but no one had made me feel like this. The love is like a warm fuzzy blanket to curl around my heart and soul and makes in my insides turn into syrup when he says "I love you". Michael has my heart, his name is written upon my soul. Hell, the girl who did not want to have children wanted to have his and he agreed. April was the chosen month to move in together. The thought of it had kept me smiling for months; I could not wait for me to wake up to his laughing green eyes and spend the night in the best place in the world…his arms. He was the man I would marry it appeared that Michael wanted the same.

Last Thursday after a six week downward spiral Michael left me. He does not love me enough, he said for a long-term relationship.

The past six weeks have been beyond devastating, I have learnt many things. You can cry until your eyes swell up. If you cry yourself to sleep your lashes can become crusted with salt. That just when you feel better one word from him can set you back on your arse again. That the term heart broken is really an amazing physical reaction that affects everything in your life. That I did sit there with a hand full of pills thinking that there was no place left for me to go, after seeing the complete lack of love in his eyes. That a man can fall out of love with you overnight. That grief and anger are closely related.

At the moment I am holding together and this is the first time I have nodded my desolate state of mind but two years is an important milestone and I wonder if you can be scared out of love?. I shall move on without my soul mate and try to keep my emotional state together. I have always been strong…one person's love no matter how great is not enough to lose your life over. I shall look in the mirror and feel the shackles drop again… someday.

There’s talk of a party on Friday night… Alicia’s parents are going away for the weekend and have told her she can have a ‘few’ friends round. I love Alicia’s parties! She always invites the ‘right’ people. I don’t mean the popular people, but I mean she invites people who go together really well. Even if you’ve never met them before you’ll be talking to a complete stranger as though you’ve known them for years at one of Alicia’s parties. There is such a difference between a good party and a bad party. A lot of the people I know judge a party on how quick everybody get wrecked. I don’t get that! Who enjoys a party when you’re puking into a plastic bag sat on the porch outside somebody house who’s name you can’t even say anymore!… Even worse are the people who judge a party on how much of the property gets destroyed. Yeah, that’s real friendly isn’t it! Goto a mate’s house, and put your ass through their ceiling because you decided it would be fun to go up to the loft! Of course these things happen at good parties, but everybody needs to be having fun… being the main point behind parties! I’m sure you all know what I mean. Everybody’s been to good parties, weird stuff usually happens, but if its good it’ll stick in our head for the right reasons. One thing we tend to do is go out for Walks at like three in the morning if it’s nice night! I don’t suggest doing this on your own, especially not in the city!

Technically this is more of a gathering (i.e. less people, and the music is a little more chilled than a full ‘when will the police turn up’ party) and Ryan has already heard about it! (I bet you were wondering how long it’d be before I mentioned him again) Anyway that is all the more reason for me to go! Even though I’m in my later teens, there is still a right, and a wrong way to tell your parents that you’re going to a party on Friday night (even though mine are pretty cool about these things). For example:

“Hey parents, Alicia’s parents are away for the weekend so she’s going to throw the party of the century and I guarantee that the guys there will be trying to score with as many drunk girls as is physically possible in one night! Don’t wait up for me!” – That might not be the best way to ask them. I usually go for an approach more like this:

“Hey Mom, Is it Ok if I go to Alicias on Friday? She’s having a bit of a get together with a few friends to watch some movies… Boys? I don’t think so why?” – See… that works much better… Ok, I know it’s kinda lame, and sucks! But sometimes you just have to play the game; it makes things much easier!

So finding out about that was the main highlight of my day! … Yeah, I know its only Monday, but what else have I got to look forward to… oh yeah, another ‘thrilling’ week of College! So now I’m off to play some PS2 before I eat.

The following text appeared on my homenode from 23 February 2004 until 18 August 2005. Daylogs still seem like the best place to remember this kind of stuff.

So. It's been 6 months since I wrote anything autobiographical-like on my homenode, mostly because whatever instinct I had for daylogging or otherwise journalling online got buried under a rich pile of LiveJournal compost and took root and blossomed like I would not have believed except for it happened. Good thing, too, what with E2 being all down with its bad self in October and November and whatnot. Problem is I can't seem to do both E2 and LiveJournal effectively, and I definitely can't do E2, LiveJournal, and try to write other stuff. And if I try to have a life on top of all those things, well sheesh.

All this is to say that grundoon is a wonderfulbad lady for challenging me to her nodeshell collection this past weekend. The first thing I copied down was I eat every day with a ravenous appetite and I've begun to softlink it with appropriate morsels from my collection:

I am not starving any more.
I am not starving any more & Instructions to the Cook & sticky toffee pudding & How to frost a cake & moons is good for eatin & I was frying eggs and thinking that life itself is really the only worthwhile entertainment. & Chocolate Snickerdoodles & Pagan recipes & Plain ol' cookies & A pre-mealtime meditation for nontheists & wasabi (thing) & Critique of Pure Riesling & coq au vin & Vegetarian Meals that Aren't Just Brown Gack & Rice & chocolate chip pancakes (thing) & What to do when you're jonesing for ice cream & Twenty-three good things about pickles and dirt & Maybe grief expects poor nutrition. & Drunken Bachelor Thanksgiving Cranberry Sauce (thing) & Free drinks at the topless bar & tasty like a raindrop & a nice cool glass of Joyce & Sacred Erisian High Mass of the Krispy Kreme Kabal & Zaru Soba (Japanese noodles) & Rhubarb and Mint Coolers (a cold drink for booyaa) & Artichoke Dip - Omigod, Who Made This Stuff? & Farfalle Pasta with a Bean Soup and Sliced Roma Tomato Salad & Garlicky green beans & rice & Can't cook, won't cook & Cortland apple & Black currant sorbet & Farfalle Pasta With Wild Mushrooms

Clearly, I have my work cut out for me, and that's before I get to the big list on the kitchen wall. Goodness me oh my. It almost makes me want to find a paper bag to hide in, like Iggy Pop the cat (shown above).

Big thanks are due to Evil Catullus for rescuing the nodeshell I neglected for so long on 15 August 2005.

I also removed the following from my homenode on 18 August 2005 for being way out of date (the trip in question was Summer 2002):

Many thanks to the following noders for making Jongleur and my trip through Europe this summer (documented at http://www.soy.dyndns.org/europe) that much cooler:

• SEF and evilrooster, for luring us to Edinburgh, introducing us to The Easter Bunny, and a fabulous geocaching adventure.

• wertperch, for a lovely weekend in Nottingham.

• Oolong, for putting us up at very short notice in London.

• Gritchka, for that London evening's entertainment, which included dinner, Highgate and Hampstead Heath, all of which were lovely, though not necessarily in that order.

Thanks are also due to BlueDragon, call, Siobhan, heyoka and mkb, as well as the organizers of the Bristol International Noder Meet, all of whom were helpful in their own way even if we never saw each other during these adventures. Other monkeys were helpful as well, and my apologies go out to everyone I've forgotten to greet or thank or whatnot.