February 4, 2000

Everything Snapshot

Time: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 00:14:13 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) mod_perl/1.21
Number of nodes: 392170 (427 new since February 3, 2000)
Number of users: 11483 (11 new since February 3, 2000)
Number of links: 314182 (5068 new since February 3, 2000)

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• ailie
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New Nodes:

• Wisdom
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• virtue
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• what I do in my bed
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• religion
• dream log: February 3, 2000
• Programming

Got home from work and went out again to do laundry. Had breakfast and read the New York Times business section (the CEO of Mattel resigned and Andover stock shot up - coincidence?). Bought the new Linux Journal (KDE) at Barnes and Noble. Left to fold laundry then went home and worshipped Y for a while. Saw Y off to work. Slept for ~9 hours and hit the snooze button for the last 2 hours of that while I dreamt of waltzing with Christine Baranski as well as the entire cast of Die Hard 2 (I'll blame that on my recent DH node). Drove to work.

wrote some, took lunch to a friend, got my old (good) job back, plus a hug and a raise, cut my foot without realizing it til I saw the dark blood welling out all over the place, wrote a book review and a music review, made some cookies, ate some cookies, went to bed.

What the fuck is wrong with me? .. I seem to be losing it. A combination of isolation, guilt, grief, loss of control, and just being too damn tired. I feel like I am going to loose it soon. I am not gonna off myself or anything, I just really don't know what my next move with will be.

There is no one I can let totally inside. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how. I try, but it just comes out wrong. I'm screwed. I'm crying. I'm silent.

Maybe I have them all fooled? Maybe I can fool myself. Am I broken? Do I wish for it? What am I screaming for? What am I missing?

Part of me feels that it is more than acceptable to fall apart if I was thinner, or prettier.. I know I am not worthless, but maybe if I was just worth more..