February 6, 2001

Everything Snapshot

Time: Tue, 6 Feb 2001 00:19:24 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_ssl/2.4.10 OpenSSL/0.9.4 mod_perl/1.21_03-dev

Number of nodes: 815751 (811 new since February 5, 2001 [612.0 wa7])
Number of users: 25260 (92 new since February 5, 2001 [81.8 wa7])
Number of links: 3483757 (13486 new since February 5, 2001 [13026.0 wa7])
Number of writeups: 451479 (359 new since February 5, 2001 [271.5 wa7])
Number of cools: 60261 (198 new since February 5, 2001 [173.2 wa7])
Number of votes: 1941114 (8514 new since February 5, 2001 [7153.4 wa7])
Number of hits: 32741075 (145141 new since February 5, 2001 [139650.7 wa7])

Node to user ratio: 32.294 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.271 links per node
Link to user ratio: 137.916 links per user
Link to writeup ratio: 7.716 links per writeup
Votes to cools ratio: 32.212 votes per cool
Cools to user ratio: 2.386 cools per user
Hits to user ratio: 1296.163 hits per user

New Nodes: [nihil est sine ratione] [History of Lithuania and goat sex orgies] [how to meet the girl of your dreams] [NREN] [piranha tasks] [Discordianism] [Special Air Service] [DSM] [the USA should invade Canada] [Southern Comfort] [more tobacco on TV] [register] [sprocket] [Wind Farm] [There are no good contraceptives]

Users Online (57): [hamster bong] [BelDion] [Electricsound] [ophie] [JeffMagnus] [The Custodian] [Rancid_Pickle] [kamamer] [Orange Julius] [kaytay] [mcc] [m_turner] [ToasterLeavings] [Codger] [Wuukiee] [coffy] [Frater 219] [neil] [Cletus the Foetus] [Archetype] [Chihuahua Grub] [proj2501] [Mojo Jojo] [narzos] [Gritchka] [Nailbunny] [WonkoDSane] [Ater] [cahla] [Aresds] [Zorin] [gkAndy] [lawnjart] [Crux] [Anark] [bis] [Pretzellogic] [Withnail] [ithron] [drunkenmonkey] [Pantsless Bob] [BuzzKill] [chanbara] [akf2000] [Phssthpok] [microlith] [dko] [Jurph] [Clone] [Nanosecond] [pziemba] [Suckapant] [Dave!] [Jikuu] [aozilla] [Albert Herring] [Neko]

JeffMagnus node count: 4095 (0 new since February 5, 2001)
JeffMagnus experience: 11880 (11 more since February 5, 2001)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.901 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.502% (Via alternate method: 0.908%)^*
JeffMagnus node of the day: http://slashdot.msn.com/

Note: The Everything Snapshot daylog will return as soon as I work out one that is more pleasant for members of the Everything Whino sect.

I have been (and still am) in a state of depression .. Mostly dealing with (I will not try to differentiate causes from symptoms) low levels of self-confidence, self-esteem and activity.. high levels of anxiety, restlessness, and.. whatever.

Well, I have (finally) come up with a plan. I will reinvent myself.. However, since I have not been able teo make many advances on a spirital or emotional level by just thinking (I have reached a point where all I am feeling is self-pity and have no idea how to make myself feel better), I will reinvent myself in the (shallow) physical way: my appearance.

Tommorrow I will be getting a check for some temp work that I did a while ago. I also have $2,500+ worth of savings that I can afford to spend a bit of. I have one class Friday morning, then nothing planned until Saturday night: a BBQ. I will bleach my hair (well, the tips) on Friday (something I used to do, but haven't done since the last tiem I cut my hair). I will finally pick out some new glasses and buy them. (I got my eyes checked for the first time in 2.5 years about 3 months ago, but didn't buy any glasses). I will spend the $100 in gift certificates for a clothing store that I have managed to accumlate. I will buy new shoes. I will buy clothes that I can feel good about wearing, instead of picking out what sucks the least out of my wardrobe.

Hopefully this will act as a catalyst for me to have an increased self-confidence. I want to be a new person. I want the people that I have drifted away from see that I have gotten my act together when I see them next. Woohoo!!

Side note: Wow. How American of me. However, I don't believe that getting excited over shopping is particulary something that should be dismissed as shallow and silly behavior. This is an attempt to heighten my appearance, something that I have not given much attention to recently. Anyway, explaining aside, SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. : )

i read stupid consumer warnings and remembered something i read on my sisters birth control pills. "Do not take if pregnant or planning to become pregnant". tee hee.

i have decided that when the man comes back he must pay penance for his time away by taking me to DC for lunch and to go to the arboreum.

now it's time for bed. more in the morning. ta.

---

sleep. dreamless sleep. wake up at 7:00, walk the dog, smoke a cigarette, shower, get dressed, go to work.

the construction going on two feet from my office is now in a sanding stage. they're smoothing out the drywall/plaster job they did a few weeks ago (gads they're slow). sanding can be a very annoying sound. particularly when it's relentless. ARGH and now they vacuum. i suppose it goes hand in hand with sanding.

drink coffee, try to ignore the noise. wait until 11:30 for interesting work stuff to start happening.

---

more later...

got a gift sent to me at work today. a silver ring which says "vous et nul autre", which means "you and no other". tee hee. someone loves me.

On this day in 1997, the world's first kickboxing school opened for nannies in St. Petersburg, Russia, in response to an epidemic of kidnapping. I'd say It's a fact!, but the world's first? Hmm.

I studied some today but I've been distracted by mp3s. Really, anytime now I'm going to stop playing Praise You and quotes from Shaft and start taking Boson practice tests again. Anytime now. Yes, very soon.

I read on Yahoo this morning about the divorces of seemingly everyone: Tom and Nicole, Alec and Kim, Noel and Meg, Boris Becker and ?, and probably some others. It just seemed odd, that there were were several at once. And of course I went past all of the important world issues, saying "Tom and Nicole?" Sigh.

Today is also Ronald Reagan's birthday. We saw a good documentary the other night, mostly regarding the Iran-Contra Affair, and there was a picture of Reagan putting in an office - surrounded by James Baker, et al - with a goofy expression. I really want that picture, and I don't know why.

I still haven't tried Vegemite. I'm afraid.

I had some semi-interesting things happen recently, so I figured I should make an entry in my private by obscurity journal.

While I still haven't found a real job, I have stumbled onto a rather cool temp job. I'm now working at Fidelity Investments for 11.20/hr from 10pm to 8:30am, 4 days/week. I'm actually working in something of a mail room for a division of Fidelity. Mail comes in in trays, we remove the contents of the machine opened letters, and stick it in a bin. The cool thing is that mail only arrives three times a night and usually only takes 1 to 2 hours to process. So, that's like 6 hours of sitting around doing nothing. If they get around to giving us NT accounts, I might becoming a noding fool soon. They also don't care if you take your lunch break at the very end so you can leave early. Luckily, no one has caught onto the illegalities of this. They also don't pay attention or care how you handle you other 30 minutes of paid breaks. Sweet!

I'm now getting used to being up from 10pm to 8am so I have lots of time at night when I'm off to do whatever. That and a DSL connection ads up to lots and lots of noding!

02/06 - 2:57am (pst)
No sleep for me tonight. For some reason, I'm wired. It could be that while I was lying in bed earlier trying to fall asleep, I had the most wonderful idea.

While lying there, I suddenly remembered that I had a carton of eggs in my fridge that I had bought when I first moved into the apartment in June. It occurred to me that those eggs were no doubt rotten and therefore had the potential to be very, very stinky if cracked.

It also occurred to me that I had never really done anything to express my hatred for McAfee.com, my previous employer.

As an evil Grinch-like smile inched across my face, I tried to tell myself it was a bad idea and I'd get caught, but of course it didn't work. So I grabbed the eggs and drove to the McAfee.com office where I used to work. You can guess what happened from there. Methinks employees will be pinching their noses in the morning.

Which brings me to now. I can't sleep. I'm not tired. I have to work in the morning. I'll never be able to get up. This is not good. This happens every night. I hate this. We should all switch to 28-hour days.

13:27

Morning.

Last night I wrote something for K5, but I don't know if I should publish it afterall... I noticed that I'm afraid of telling my opinion.

Damn.

Someone should read it, but the problem is, I don't think it will be interesting enough for the potential audience, and those who would be able to evaluate it wouldn't have any idea what I'm talking about.

Pains of creation...

Well, time to face the challenges of the day.

20:03

(Another Non-nodeness day? Worry not, I have a Good Idea or something...)

I went to the Town, and did nothing.

I ordered a copy of Applied Cryptography by Bruce Schneier.

---

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Make Money Fast Hall of Humiliation Mega$Nets Laihia

15:18

I originally intended to bitch and moan about stupid clients, mean bosses and inhuman deadlines.. But then I realized I've used the day logs for way too much whining in the past. How come it's only negative stuff that gets me writing in here, I wonder.
In any case, I will spare you for my usual manifestations of dissatisfaction and attempt to type something more than 2 noders may be interested in reading about.

But I have to mention that 38.5% is too damn much.
I wonder if my firm would like to open a branch office in Monaco?
Ok ok, I'll quit now.

Influenza has apparently struck Hämeenlinna hard. An entire store was closed downtown due to everybody being sick, and at home my mother and sister are in a terrible condition. I'm counting on my world famous immunity to get me through this unaffected. But with my infamous bad luck I'll be perfectly healthy until friday, and recover just in time for monday morning.
Break - positive attitude since 1979!

I just noticed I've been messaged by someone on SparkMatch. She seems very nice, smart and, um, compatible. Hell, she more or less resembles a female version of myself.
Sigh.. I should've made my ad as unappealing as possible (read: honest) so this wouldn't happen. I only did the test to represent The Everything Family™, and now I have to crush somebody's high hopes by informing them that in reality I am not a guy anyone would be interested in romantically. Friendship is something I'd be fully capable of, though. I hope it isn't completely out of the question...

By the way, thanks to simonc for trying to help me overcome the E2 inactivity syndrome that has been affecting me since December. I've got so much to add, that a few nodes per week isn't enough...

You can help too! Whenever you see me wasting time on the chatterbox instead of creating new writeups, just do something like this:
/msg break GET YOUR LAZY ASS BACK TO NODING, NOW!
Thank you. I appreciate your assistance.

Ok - I had therapy yesterday. A typical session for this past month or two - one in which I felt sort of like a psychic trying to contact her medium. Everything inside is still fluid, sometimes it is a "we", sometimes it is an "I" inside. Yesterday, it was both.

But the girls are like ghosties now, no real substance to them any more, no real power. I can't imagine one of them taking over again, and running my life for a brief moment in time. And the boys/men - the protectors - I don't know what's going on with them. Are they still around? Somewhere?

It doesn't even feel threatening to post this. My first wu's on my MPD felt extremely scary and terrifying. Now? Big deal. I keep waiting for it to be a big deal, I keep waiting for things to get bad and scary and empty again. But so far - it just keeps getting better.

My therapist told me that unlike most people, I've discovered an essential truth of the human mind. That it can take a horrific amount of trauma and - cope. Without breaking apart. And most people don't experience this truth, fully, and completely.

She says.

She also said that most people don't really realize how powerful they really are. I think this is true. And it is a truth. And I wish I didn't have to learn it so completely - but I am obviously very glad and relieved to be out on the other side of it.

I think I am almost done with the replaying, rehashing, whatever, of the various traumas. There are some lingering feelings of shame - but it appears to have been the right time, the right moment, the right therapist, and the right man in my life. Actually, there's no doubt that I could not have done this without M. No other man could have gotten so close to me. I have never felt so loved by a man.

I know that I am strong - and I know that I can survive just about anything that life throws at me in the future.

I feel this contentment, this peace that emanates from deep inside, that I have never felt before. And I know how strong I have been, all along, how every part inside has been so strong and courageous and brave. I' m really, really happy.

Today I realised for the first time how heavily I am invested in this place, emotionally speaking.

I finally finished pruning and honing my biggest newbie boo-boo, a project that has taken up much of the last couple of weeks. Full of proud contentment, I ran a user search and prepared to bask in the warm glow of my own accomplishement.

Nothing doing. I have dozens of nodes in the red - admittedly, more than half of them are part of the aforementioned boo-boo. But still.

A dreadful suspicion crept into my mind - perhaps I'm not a quality noder at all. Perhaps I suck. Perhaps whoever it was that's been playing at spending all their votes in the negative recently actually has a point!

At the same time I am happily aware of the fact that hey, it's just someone else's opinion. But the shock of discovering how much I cared was jarring.

Today, in a rare state of susceptability, I was coerced into joing the Drama Club and thus being in the school play. I have never acted before, for anyone. I have a very odd speaking voice. I have stage fright.

Pretty freakin' wierd, huh?

The play was written by a student who has obviously not found his final vocation. It's titled You're an Angel? Don't understand it myself, but now I have to edit some lines to make my part more bearable.

And again, I went to school. So?

This day, I was coerced into joining the Drama Association along with lambda68. The reason for my newfound predicament? A girl, naturally.

Actually, she represents the only girlfriend at this school I've been able to actually communicate successfully with regarding relationship matters! Damn, success feels great.

Went to prison, took a nap, went to Drama, went to Guitar, then recorded a few songs on my cheap ass rig here. I've never found quite so much joy in a TASCAM Porta03MKII 4-track tape recorder. The 2 inputs with adjustable input-volume sliders make my day. Then came E2. peace. finally.

Is it just me, or is there something inherently wrong with "The Hollow Man." Yes, I'm aware of the admittedly dubious scientific basis. However, I can't stop myself from nitpicking it. When the hell does the shit he eats turn invisible? You see him eat twinkies, but only with the mask on. Do they start passing light through them once his stomach acids break them down? Well, when he vomited, it was perfectly clear. Therefore, all ingested food has to turn invisible someplace in the pre-microcellular digestive process. Perhaps the molecules of food are affected by contact with his invisible cells, which alters their state. However, if this were true, then wouldn't everything he touched (the bed he was lying on) eventually turn invisible?

But damn, the graphics in that were fairly phenomenal.

If it seems as though work has taken over my life, it's because it has.

The boss tried to send me home early today to get to a dentist and get my teeth fixed. There was a time when I would have jumped at the chance to go home early - especially with me being on salary and all. Nowadays, however, I have found myself becoming more and more dedicated the department I run and the company that employs me. Where was this person I've become, ten years ago? What happened to those lazy-crazy-hazy days of post-adolescence when getting out of bed was the most difficult chore of the day, and not being employed meant more time for television and games?

I grew up.

Without even realizing it, somewhere along the line, I grew up. A decade ago, I worked only when I had to, as little as I could. But my priorities have changed. Not much - I'm still into cartoons, video games and having fun. But now that's what I do in my spare time, instead of the other way around.

I always swore that I would never grow up. I used to own a sweatshirt that declared that I was a "Toys'R'Us" kid, and I wore it as a badge of honour, played with Legos, watched cartoons and mastered the latest video games - and that was after people stopped carding me for liquor.

I'm still a kid at heart - but now my toys are computers and cars. I spend more time at work than I do at home and asleep combined. And I don't even know why I'm doing it.

I grew up.

10:32pm

Today was a slack day. I did a little bit of work, but I actually went out of my way today to avoid doing anything productive for the long run. I practiced my hiragana for my quiz tomorrow, read a bunch of slashdot and e2, chatted with co-workers incessantly, and stared at the wall for the rest of the time.

It was fun. The day lasts so much longer though. After work, I went to the pool hall. Nearly everyone bailed out tonight, so I just got my own table and practiced for about two hours. I think I learned a few things. I will need to go back again to practice some more. 10 dollars for two hours of entertainment isn't too bad, especially being in a semi-social environment.

Tomorrow I am going to take a friend/co-worker down to miami so he can get some stuff taken care of. It's really important that he and his wife make it there and they aren't 100% sure their vehicle will make it, so they have asked me to drive along in case their truck breaks down. I wouldn't normally do this, but what they need to do is really important and I wouldn't be a friend to let it go to chance (even a small chance).

I've also got school tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the hiragana quiz. I've been practicing it constantly and I think I'm ready for it. I'll be glad when it's done, so I can start practicing katakana.

I noticed today that my emotional state is finally starting to level off a bit. I am at least back to where I was before I met Sara. My energy level is a bit down though, I don't know why. Maybe the benefits I was getting from my vitamin supplements are not having as much impact as they were when I first started taking them.

Hopefully exercise will compensate for that. I notice that I'm building up some muscle mass. I did 20 pushups today without nearly as much effort as it used to take. Heck, I couldn't even do 20 pushups a few months ago.

I was sitting on top of him, talking, we have our own language to which sayings like “points my face @ u” and “scratches your head” and “peanut butter” and "schlfft" only makes sense to us.

Today has been a good day. It is not every day I come across contentment.