So you want to quit life

Maybe you’ve seen one too many news reports on wicked dictators and all their evil shenanigans.

Maybe you're tired of being rejected or just plain going unnoticed.

Or maybe your life just seems empty.

-- any or all of these, and you’ve decided to leave this life, for good.

I might start by congratulating you on your fine skills of perception. I'm not going to -- but maybe in some alternate universe I might have. This world truly does sucketh ass sometimes, we all have those eyes. But, from what my Sunday School teacher told me, there’s a light to run to beyond this world – a light that might actually be a brighter world than this one. In fact, that might be why it's a light. Has anyone looked into this theory? This could completely change the way we look at death! Can you patent theories about the afterlife?

Sorry, I lost focus there...

Well, today might just be your big day! Your chance to have all those heart-to-hearts with God you kept meaning to have. Chat it up with some loved ones whom have left this dark world before you. Catch up on sleep or write that novel you keep boring your friends with the exciting details of!

When we get right down to the cold hard facts, though, it doesn't matter what has brought you here or what you plan to do with all your free time and possible new powers beyond this world. Soon, if you have your way, you will no longer be immersed in this mostly carbon dioxide and nitrogen atmosphere surrounded by carbon based life forms.

But now that you have made the decision to go--how should you do it?

If you are leaving out of anger, frustration, or despair, you may be tempted to make a dramatic gesture to mark your departure. Some noders have /msg'd the editors en masse to announce that they are ...

Goddamnit! If there is anything I have learned in my time here, it's this: If you are going to plagiarize, at least change enough words to make it not so obvious you have stolen the text! You know, like enough to make it relevant to what you are writing about and less relevant to what the author you stole it from was talking about.

It’s been one of those days. One of those days where you keep talking about stuff you don't mean to be talking about. You start talking about something and you can't remember what you were talking about. Or if it was what you were supposed to be talking about. Or maybe you notice everyone fucking staring laser eyes through you and you honestly just can't remember if you've been talking at all or if it's your extended silence that has everyone eyeing you with their death-ray vision.

The best way to break away from that – the best way to find your mind again, when it's way out in the waters, it's swimming, yeah – is just to keep talking until you say something right. Everyone will nod and you do your best to stay on that subject until it looks like you aren’t supposed to be talking anymore.

So maybe you've come to this point, you've decide you want to quit life. You aren't the first, my jaded cynical friend. But might I bother you before you call it quits, punch your last time card, wave your big good-byes, stuff the muffin in the oven. Might I bother you to sit with me for a while?

I know! You've got things to do, places to go, strange new worlds to explore! But before you get to exploring, might I implore you to stay? Just a little while longer.

Here, I made this for you:

Reasons to go on living (at least for now)
In no special order or anything pretentious like that.

• Who's going to feed your cats? Honestly, do you think other people care about them? They don't.
• It's your turn to do the dishes. You know how annoyed your roommate gets when you forget to do the dishes on your day!
• Your chair at work will be all cold in the morning if you don't fill it with your warm self.
• You left the windows rolled down in your car when you got home this afternoon.
• You just ordered the last season of Lost on DVD from Amazon.com. At least wait until you've watched that.
• Who's going to pick up your brother at 4 a.m. when he's too drunk to even walk home?
• Someone is going to have to clean up your mess. Are you really that big of an ass? Do you know what it takes to get blood stains out of sidewalks?
• I will give you 50 bucks if you do it tomorrow. Tomorrow's my day off. Surely that's enough to stay loaded until tomorrow.

Hmm. I'm starting to get the feeling like I'm not supposed to be talking anymore.

Sources:
So you want to quit Everything2 by Quizro
Where Is My Mind by the Pixies

this has been a nodeshell rescue

POINT/COUNTERPOINT:
Tyler Evans, Grade 5, Mrs. Rothman's class, Shady Grove Elementary
and
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy

Illegal Immigrants

Vichizzle: Ahh right, y'all. One of the latest issues that be puttin pimples on evurbody's political butts these days be illegal immigration. Puttin big ol' fuckin whiteheads on some of 'em. There are three sides to this issue. One is fuckin cold-ass Whitey, he say "Ship 'em all back, they bad for this country!" and then ya got the fuckin crybabies all like "don't be so mean to 'em! They just want a betta life!" and then ya got the people who don't really give a flyin shit. Well, maybe there fo sides cuz me and lotta utha bizznitch owners, we could give a shit less 'bout all that arguin' but we don't minds 'em as long as they help us make that dollah.

See, thu ho bizznitch, it like any utha biznitch, I believe I've covered that befo. I gots to make as much profit as I can. Y'all might be hearin bizznitch owners talkin 'bout how thu immigrants be workin harder and fo less their American employees and how the immigrants be doin jobs the citizens refuse to do! Well, one thing I find out since I be runnin a bizznitch: it's true!

Dat right. It's fuckin true. I got some foreign bitches, they be touchin dick that my utha hos won't with a ten foot hole! My Mexican hos, they suck dick nobody else will suck, no mattah how much I bitch slaps 'em! I can open up a whole can of whoopbitch but they won't go near some of the dick my foreign hos will. We talkin bout uncut dicks with cheese on 'em, dicks so old it takes 'em an hour of workin it just to get 'em halfway up! Shit, I shuddah to think of it so I think I just stop there (you would really be thankin me if you knews what else I could tell ya 'bout it!). The point is, my foreign hos, by and large (and some of 'em be large, lemme tell ya) they do in fact work hardah and fo less! I can't believe sometimes what I get away with payin' em. Yeah, some of you sayin "But, Vichizz, all yo employees be illegal cuz the ho bizznitch IS illegal!" Well in most states, yes, butt dat don't mattah! I still gotta wurry bout what I pays 'em, I am competin' with utha pimps out there! It's vurry cutthroat! I gots to have my prices lowah to compete with those muthafuckas, knowhaddi'msayin? Sometimes I gives two fo one deals! I've been kickin' 'round this Sunday buffet idea in mah head, but I dunno 'bout dat one! A buffet of hos? All's you can eats? Hmm. It's a thinkah ah-right. I get back to you on dat!

Tyler: We don't need to be worried about being invaded by aliens from outer space or even terorists. Our country is being invaded by Mexicans!

Yeah, that's right. It's a full scale invasion. My dad says they're coming over by the truckload and taking our jobs away from us! He says that most of them are lazy, though, and just come over here and get on welfare and don't ever learn English. He thinks that the Army should be at the border keeping them out, not just those National Guard pussies, and all along the border. Actually shouldn't they just build a big giant wall? I think they should do that and have Army guys with big guns and have big, mean dogs guarding it.

I remember last year, when we had to get our roof redone, the guys the roof place sent to rip up the old one and put the new one on were Mexicans. My dad complained the whole time. He didn't know that company employed Mexicans. He called them and complained, I think. They did it all in one day, though. They worked fast. After they were done some of them went through the entire yard with little tools finding all the nails and staples from the old roof. And after they were done we only found like one staple in the yard. My dad called the company and complained and said that that was a perfect example of how incompetent they are compared to American workers.

I wonder if Mexicans did Jimmy Woodson's roof down the street? I remember after the roof job on his house I was always stepping on staples and nails in his yard for a while. One went clean up through my shoe and into my foot. It got infected and my foot got really tight and I couldn't move it and I had to go to the doctor and get shots. It really hurt.

I asked Jimmy if it was Mexicans up on his roof. He said it was some fat white guys. But I think Jimmy's lying cuz he lies about stuff sometimes. Like the time that he said his dad makes dirty movies in his basement with him and some of his friends and some girls in the junior high. I mean, his dad is a cop! He's such a liar.

Vichizzle: Maybe for sanitary reasons, they can't bring the same ho back to thuh buffet... and I'll need a sneeze guard and.. naw, wait... should I juss put actual food on this muthafucka.. hmmm...?

11/24/04 == 12/20/04 == 12/21/04 == 12/30/04 == 01/31/05 == 02/10/05 == 02/14/05 == 05/18/05 == 07/25/05 == 09/01/05 == 10/24/05 == 12/22/05 == 07/20/06 == 10/31/06 == 02/07/07 == 07/13/07 == 12/18/07 == 9/17/08