Fish Wish

This is correct. Meanwhile, my own concoction, known as Hoffenschmirtzel, is enjoyed in one hundred and ninety THREE countries.

I will tell you how that came about. It all started when I was a lad (which is another long story). I was walking down the beach when a magic fish jumped out of the water and said "Hello I am a magic fish." And I said "Yes I could guess that." And the fish said "I will grant you your fondest wish if only you will throw me back in the sea." And I said "Dude, you got yourself into this mess. What is this, some kind of secret test of character? Get out of here." And I threw the fish so hard that it disappeared over the horizon.

The next day I was walking up the beach when a magic fish jumped out of the water and said "You kind of missed the ocean there, buddy. I landed in a tank at the aquarium." And I said "Well do I get half my wish?" And the fish said "Buddy, for that I'll give you half of everything."

So I went home and my apartment building had been chopped in half. Like, right down the middle, and everything in it, even the sofa and the laptop and the birdcage, and everyone in the building was outside wondering what had happened. And I said "yeah sorry folks, I kind of messed up with a magic fish, this is my fault." And they all looked at me kind of funny, and that's when I realized I wasn't wearing a shirt and one of my feet was bare.

So my family had to go to a hotel while we sorted the mess out, and there was only one bed when the hotel promised two, and the showerhead only worked on one side, and when we turned on the TV half the screen was black.

And then when I tried to go to school the next morning, one of the handles on my backpack fell off, and when my teacher handed back my essay he said I only got a 50 because I never submitted the second page.

So I marched right out of the school and down to the beach and said "Fishy fishy in the sea, bring your magic back to me." And the magic fish jumped out of the water and said "How's that curse working for you? Are you sorry now?" And I said "Come on, dude. I threw you back like you wanted. If I missed that's not my…actually it is my fault. But you said you would give me half of everything, not take away half of everything." And the fish said "Oh you want half of everything, eh? Fine, fine, good luck to you." And I threw the fish back into the sea and went home.

So the next day I got a call from a friend who said "Hey my bike got chopped in half, do you want it for scrap metal" and I'm like Oh No. And then I get a knock on the door from someone who ordered two pizzas and forgot that the wife can't eat pepperoni, do you want one and I'm like Oh Yes. And then I realize that this nonsense is sure to get out of hand. So after I finish half the pizza I'm down at the shore again saying "Fishy fishy in the sea, bring your magic back to me." And the fish jumped out of the water and said "Now are you sorry?" And I said "You're the one who came up with these stupid blessings so this is your fault." And the fish said "I see, you are not sorry," and jumped back in the water.

So I went back home and my mother told me that my uncle had died, and I was like great, he never did apologize for stealing my trading cards, and mom said he had left half his fortune to me, and I was like great, gimme. But then I thought wait, what if the fish killed him as part of the curse?

So the next day I went back down to the shore and I said "Fishy fishy in the sea – " and the magic fish jumped back out and said "Yeah yeah my name's Murgatroyd thanks for asking. Now are you sorry?" And I said "Look, you can't just go around killing people to fulfill your word." And the fish said "I mean I can, I just did. Want me to leave you any more fortunes?" And I said "Look, we need to come up with a compromise here. What if I only get half of what I wish for?" And the fish said "What if you wish for love?" And I said "I don't wish for love, I wish for beer." And the fish said "You want half a beer, eh? But half a beer is still beer. Let me figure that one out." And he jumped back into the water.

And for the next twenty years, I didn't hear from him at all. Things kind of quieted down in my life after that. I knew he was still around, because I would wish for a new fancy car and I'd wind up with a new cheap car, or I'd wish for a decent husband and I'd wind up with a jerk. So then I got clever and wished for a wonderful husband and I got an okay fellow, and I wished for two houses and got one, and I wished for the executive control of a brewery and I got a controlling interest.

So one day when I made the mistake of walking down the beach again, the magic fish jumped out of the water and said "Alright wise guy, you figured out how to game the system. I'll give you one more wish and then we're done." And I said "How about I wish that my new beer brand is beloved on two entire planets?" And the magic fish said "You know, if that wish actually works, you'd be the first person to implicitly confirm the existence of sapient life forms outside the solar system." And I said "Let 'er rip!"

So now my beer brand is beloved in 193 countries, which is precisely how many countries there are in the world right now, and presumably it is utterly despised on some planet we haven't found yet. One wonders what our space explorers will think when they get there and discover that beer got there first.

Now my other concoction, known as Schnettervogelbaum, is despised in 192 countries, and beloved on the island of Mauritius. But that is because it is not beer. If you want to know what it is and how it works, that is a story for another time.