I was thinking about Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman and all those other stupidly dressed do-gooders, and I thought, surely we should have a few heroes to deal with the things that really worry us in life. These are what I came up with...

Kalorie-Killer Kid:
His ultra-violet gaze leeches surplus energy from food, while leaving the creamy, rich, tastebud-tingling flavour intact, leaving the calorie count of a single serving of any foodstuff at a universal 20kC.

LART Lady:
Her high, inaudible scream can reduce lusers and trolls to a gibbering, submissive pile of blubber in a pico-second.

A touch of his super-charged fingers and your battery leaps, roaring, into life, even after you've left the lights on all night.

Dance Dude:
The ultra-low frequency waves of his humming communicate appropriate body-movement signals to the subconscious long-term memory, thus eliminating embarrassing public displays and saving the feet of long-suffering partners.

His relativity-manipulating aura can make dull boring afternoons speed past, while extending those fleeting seconds of pure happiness into an eternity.

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