In Middle School
, lots of kids go through strange changes
. I'm not talking simply about the physical changes
, but more of the mental
ones. They learn things, think in larger senses.
I had my close circle
friends. But few others. I knew about people getting teased, and I knew
how it felt getting teased.
I did not like getting teased.
It always made me feel stupid
and I would suddenly lose all ability to do anything, but stare at my feet
So I developed a theory
. People who teased people, liked doing so because they would get a reaction
. I decided that I would refuse
to give this reaction
Slowly through 6th grade, I closed off my emotions
. No emotions means no reaction
. I adopted an emotionless
face for when I wasn't with or talking to anybody I cared. I walked down the halls, sort of grim
I could still laugh
, and be happy
, but I closed off a lot of emotions.
I only began to realize
what I had done to myself in high school
, around 10th or 11th grade. I realized that I didn't like this emotionless
part of me. I didn't know when I was sad
, I didn't know if I was crying
or if my eyes were simply watering
. I didn't know how to react
emotionally to lots of stimuli
. I had also closed off one important emotion
that I didn't care to see that often: Anger
. Which I still consider as a benefit. But it also had its little outbreaks
.. but I didn't show it.
I tried to destroy
these emotional barriers that I had created. But it's hard. I'm still trying. I have a girlfriend
now, and she at least helps me express love
But I can still be too solemn
in person, and I react better to other
people's emotions than my own, because mine don't generate
most of the time.
And I think back, to the flawed evolution
Kids can be stupid