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My life, as it is, continues (as does yours). I am Friend Behr. You are Friend of Behr. Please define your life within these set parameters. It is willed.

As you know, I recently entered the elven dimension and was hustled off to the Elven Theme Park after Agent Mulder had relations with a elf named Rhonda. These are the facts as we know them. It is 1984. We are here. You are there. Welcome to the elven dimension.

We attained tickets to the top ride at the Elven Theme Park, the Freakout Simulator. After waiting two hours on a long line in the heat of 1984, we entered the ride vehicle (RV) and plummeted six miles into the core of the elven dimension version of Earth. Here the freakouts would begin. It was money well spent? We must wait and see what freakouts await us.

Do you like freaking out? I bet you would freak out if you woke up in the middle of the night and I was sitting on a stool next to your bed staring at you. That would freak you out. Now, imagine many other scenarios. The Freakout Simulator pulls these dark images from your mind and forces you to live them. It is simulated but feels very real, and that realness is what causes the freakouts. You will experience all the sensations and reality of your most horrible fears and so forth. It comes upon you. It is real, like Tom Cruise's hair.

How would you feel if I were to tell you that I was giving you blessings at night when you are sleeping? Maybe I am just sitting on my toilet thinking about you as you sleep and putting ideas in your head. You will think about these ideas in your dreams. And then you will wake and you will be changed, but your PJs will be soaked with urine. You will have let go and let Tom. And once you do that you give Tom Cruise control over your bladder and you no longer have any control. When he says, "Let noder piss now," it will come and you will have no preventative measures. Keep Tom happy and you will be okay. See his movies. Buy the videotape. Get busy being busy. Let go and let Tom.

That is the saying we have in the group I belong to. This is not a group I have spoken about before. We talk through the mail. Secretly. We are a group that talks about Tom Cruise's mind. We expand upon one person's idea and someone else gives input. For example, Brian might say, "What if Tom Cruise were to think about a blueberry muffin?" And then he would mail this idea out to everyone and maybe George would write back to everyone, "Maybe he thinks about warming it up in the toaster oven." And Carl might chime in, "Do people still have toaster ovens? Does Tom Cruise?" We keep mailing everyone and then someone else joins in. This is a pretty good group.

After we hit rock bottom six miles down, where God lost interest while creating the heavens and the Earth and said, "Just stop building six miles down. I've run out of ideas for what to put down there." And that is how it goes. He came up with weird fish for the deep oceans and had some fun with all that, but when it comes to anything past six miles down, nothing there at all. Just void. Blank.

There was a linoleum floor in the hallway in front of the ride vehicle (RV) when it stopped and an elven voice said, "Step forward and walk down the hallway." The linoleum was coming up a little bit, as was my lunch. The floor buckled a bit and as we walked forward it buckled some more. And then someone's nightmare of giant floorworms began happening for real within the parameters of the simulation.

For those that do not know due to abject stupidity, a giant floorworm is a creature about three feet long and as big around as a weakling man's torso. They have mouths with razor sharp teeth and they are very bitey. Dozens of them were chewing through the linoleum floor and making book on who was going to eat who. The giant floorworm holding the money from the bets sat back and watched as mayhem began happening. Agent Mulder and I were amongst a group of six. Two of the others were chewed through by the giant floorworms. What is worse, after we watched them chewed up in violent, bloody fashion, they both appeared right behind us completely unharmed. I had freaked out some, but was still holding onto my shit as the giant floorworms vanished and the floor went back to being normal linoleum floor.

Then, doors opened on all sides of us and six women appeared. They were the mothers of all of us on the ride. Agent Mulder was instantly uncomfortable, as was I, because all the mothers were wearing naughty nighties and acting very slutty towards us. My mother, who was a twisted, evil woman of Palestinian stock was coming on to Agent Mulder. Her ancestry did not make her evil. What made her evil was that she came to Germany in the 1930s and married a man in government work who took me as his pet after murdering my birth parents. She also worked as a spy for some government while in the USA while her son Behr was forced to go to grammar school in his 40s during the 1970s because her son Behr did not go to school. He was kept in a dark basement and had animals put up his ass regularly as well as other experiments. One allows me to take the form of a giant Behr known as the Bear of Berlin. Another experiment installed my X-Man type hand. I digress.

I knew this was all a simulation, as my mother was killed when FSB agents dissolved her in a tub of acid a decade ago, and so I tried to remain calm as some guy named Reggie's mother came towards me in a red teddy and lace stockings. I was freaking out. It wasn't the act of having sex with someone's mother from the ride vehicle (RV). It was that you were forced to watch someone from the ride vehicle (RV) have sex with your mom two feet away from you. The hallway was such that it turned into a room with no exits and everyone was crammed together as the mothers began to mount their prey.

By the time the simulation of my mother was done with Agent Mulder, he was a complete mess. He'd had hardcore foot sex with Rhonda and now the horrible experience of being taken sexually by a simulation of my mother. It was too much. His brain was shaking around a bit, but he stood strong, telling me he's seen a lot of crazy stuff in his life. I needed him to be strong. We could get through this together.

The hallway became a regular hallway again and the elven voice said, "Continue walking down the hall." We did as we were told and the hallway kept getting more narrow. Then there was a very loud sound of a toilet flush and a whole ton of shitty water began flowing rapidly towards us, filling the hallway. We began running back the way we came, but the shit water was coming too fast. We all freaked out as the rapidly flowing water caught us and took us quickly down the hallway, which had now become a giant toilet pipe.

At the end of that, we found ourselves at the exit tunnel. The ride had ended. The shit water had apparently flowed upwards, taking us back to the surface. That alone was enough for another freakout.

A booth was provided with clean clothes for everyone, as well as a shower. I changed clothes but did not shower. I never shower, bathe, or wash at all. I do not even use deoderant. Germs and odors are things made up through the disease of liberalism. Like "medical science" they do not exist. What exists is what is true, like the elven dimension. Let go and let Tom.

I had promised to show Agent Mulder some things, and I had done that. We left the park and went back to the gate. He said he was ready to talk more seriously with me now. I think he respects me, and perhaps he fears me a little bit.

This may be the start of a brand new friendship.

God bless.

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