In poker, a five card hand which contains both a three-of-a-kind and a pair. Beats a flush, loses to a four-of-a-kind.

Actually, Full House (the television series) still airs all over the place, immortalized by the reruns that just won't quit. While I have to agree this was a bunch of putrid garbage, I watched it daily and just finished watching a rerun. Why? The same reason I watch any television show, absolutely nothing better to do.

The main storyline here is an extended family of sorts. The single father whose wife died when the kids were still young, the three girls (Stef, D.J., and Michelle), and the two uncles (Jesse and Joey), all living under the same roof, having the time of their lives! (Yeah, sure, whatever.) It's one of those growing up/growing up without a mother shows that attempted to teach life lessons and compassion, or something, but usually just ended up making me laugh. The one thing that most people remember about the show is the fact that they had the whole "Awwwwwww" from the "audience" thing going on whenever Michelle (one of the Olsen twins) did something cute, which was at least fifteen or twenty times an episode. Oh, and we can't forget the annoying/obnoxious next door neighbour (see also: DJ's best friend), who would raid their fridge and whatnot, as she wandered around in her state of intense stupidity.

Whenever my best friend is feeling down and wants to go have a talk, I say "let's go have a full house chat darling". That is to say, let's go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed (this works best if it's pink and frilly and surrounded by stuffed toys) and play some slow, dreamy music in the background, whilst we discuss life, and the way things are.
It seems like this show has various plotholes that no one has every pointed out, and I'm guessing because no one cares. I'll bring up five.

1. Okay, the stairs in the front of their house take you to that hallway upstairs that leads to four bedrooms and a closet at the end of the hall. In one episode, it is pointed out that the door closest to the stairs on the left is a bathroom. The room across from that is Michelle's (and later on, D.J.'s) room. The room next to that is Jesse's room, and the room acros from that is D.J. and Stephanie's room. Where is Danny's room? Later, when Jesse moves to the attic with his wife, Danny takes the room, but for the first few seasons, he has no room.

2. The stairs going up in the kitchen, where do they go? The attic? No. The girls are seen running up and down thees stairs every morning. However, you will notice that the hallway upstairs ends with a closet, leaving no way to be connected to the rest of the house.

3. Where is the attic anyway? In episodes, you can see Jesse and his family running up stairs to get to it. These steps don't appear to be temporarily standing like a pull-down attic door, which suggests that the only way it is connected to the rest of the house is from those stairs in the kitchen. But the girls were always coming from there.

4. In the first few seasons, the garage transforms to Joey's bedroom. This is explained in some episode where Joey goes on a comedy tour. However later, it turns into Jesse's recording studio. With Danny now in Jesse's room and Jesse in the attic, what happens to Joey's room?

5. Jesse's last name changes from Cochran to Katsopolis. I can't think of any real explanation for that. In one episode where they are filming a station ID commercial segment starring Danny's family, he introduces Jesse to the director as "My good friend, Jesse Cochran." Later, Jesse's Greek grandfather visits to carry on the "Katsopolis" tradition.

A phrase used in Bingo to denote the winning condition when all the numbers on a single bingo card (usually 15) have all been drawn, and the holder of that card calls before the next number is drawn.

Other winning conditions are:
First Five Numbers: the first person to get five numbers on a single bingo card wins.
Any/Top/Middle/Bottom line: the first person to get all five numbers on a single line of a bingo card wins.
and then there's full house.

Ah, Full House, the story of a large extended family, who all live together in a home that defies the laws of physics and geometry. Lets take a look at the main characters.

Danny Tanner
Played by: Bob Saget
Evil Rating: 6 (Mostly evil)

Danny Tanner is a character who was left to raise his 3 daughters alone, after a car accident killed his wife. Apparently the powers that be just didn't see the opportunity to take them out all at once, and be done with it. Despite his dead wife, Danny is usually surprisingly upbeat. But unfortunately he is as boring as a 10 percent off sale at the knitting shop, so everyone on the show avoided him as much as possible, at least until the end of the show when he would fix everything.

Joey Gladstone (AKA "Uncle Joey")
Played by: Dave Coulier
Evil Rating: 3 (The Margarine of evil)

Joey was Danny's lifelong best friend (strangely enough). He is a struggling comedian, who has the worst habit of cracking boner jokes in front of pre-adolescent girls ("Did somebody say ... Wood!?"). Joey lived in the garage, just like all strange uncles.

Hermes Katsopolis (AKA "Uncle Jesse", AKA "Jesse Cochran")
Played by: John Stamos
Evil Rating: 2 (Discount evil)

Uncle Jesse is what happens when someone watches Happy Days a little too much, and starts taking the character of "Fonzie" a bit too seriously. Jesse is supposed to be a "bad boy", except that he is just as disgustingly perfect as everyone else on the show. He plays in a band called "Jesse and the Rippers", who specialize in rock music that was popular around the time that Jesse was born. He eventually married Becky and moved into the attic with her.

D.J. Tanner (AKA "Donna Jo Tanner")
Played by: Candace Cameron
Evil Rating: 5 (Evil-light)

When Full House was in pre-production, they went on a nation wide search to find the most boring girl possible for the role of D.J., but they came back empty handed. The show was nearly cancelled until Kirk Cameron piped up and said "Hey, my little sister is a complete yawn, use her." So they did, and the show got the green light.

Stephanie Tanner (AKA "Steph")
Played by: Jodie Sweetin
Evil Rating: 4 (Lawful Evil)

Stephanie had the potential to be the most evil character on the show. She had wit, she was sarcastic, and she liked to say "How Rude!" a lot. But the producers preferred to spend most of their time aiming the camera elsewhere, and Stephanie never really got that much screen time.

Michelle Tanner (AKA "Kill that thing")
Played by: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
Evil Rating: 10 (More evil than Satan himself)

Michelle was exactly what was wrong with Full House. You have a television show with several professional comedians backing it up, and then you stick in a mildly retarded little girl for the "cute factor". Michelle was best known for mumbling things, and causing drops in ratings. The rumor has it that 90 percent of the time "Michelle" was played by "Ashley Olsen", as Mary-Kate Olsen was an even worse actress, or maybe it was the other way around.

Samuel Powers (AKA "Screech")*
Played by: Dustin Diamond
Evil Rating: 8 (The evil that lurks in the heart of all men)

Good old Screech was the perfect comic relief for any situation. We could all identify with him in some way or another. Screech was a genius, but he still managed to do everything wrong, and rarely ever managed to get the girl.

Kimberly Gibbler (AKA "Kimmy")
Played by: Andrea Barber
Evil Rating: 1 (Evil, but cute)

Kimmy was just about the only interesting character on the show. She was outspoken, dressed strangely, and was far prettier than D.J., no matter how strange they dressed her. As far as stock sitcom characters go, Kimmy filled the role of "wacky neighbor", and "Eddie Haskell style best friend" all at the same time.

Rebecca Donaldson (AKA "Becky Katsopolis")
Played by: Lori Loughlin
Evil Rating: 7 (The kind of evil that only the local news can bring you)

Becky filled no real role on the show at all. She was a local news announcer who ended up marrying Jesse. She was attractive, boring, and really only seemed to be a tool to bring the next generation of evil onto the show (The Other Twins). The show obsessed over her and Jesse for far too long in my opinion, but at least that kept the camera off the Olsen Twins.

The Other Twins (AKA "Nicky & Alex")
Played by: Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit & Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit
Evil Rating: 9 (Penultimate evil)

The Other Twins were brought onto the show because "Michelle" had grown up too much, and was beginning to look like some sort of sea animal. So Becky got pregnant and gave birth to twin boys. Luckily these two never really got much past the mumbling stage before the show got cancelled.

* One small note, "Screech" was not actually a character on this show. But was included just to see if you were paying attention. He was actually a character on Saved by the Bell, and never appeared on this sitcom. However, Jaleel White (as Steve Urkel), was on the show several times.

Full house. (Poker)

A hand containing three of a kind and a pair, as three kings and two tens. It ranks above a flush and below four of a kind.


© Webster 1913

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