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I can prove to you, in a completely scientific single blind test, that green tea is really apple juice. And pear juice.

You will need as many varieties of green tea as you can find, but it is important that they are bottled or canned, and not the brewed variety. Self brewed green tea will bias the experiment by introducing human error to the experiment. Suggested products for testing are:

Also suggested are whatever green tea products there are that can be acquired from a coffeeshop such as Starbucks's, Panera Bread, or Einstein Bros. Bagles. You will also need apple juice. And pear juice. Any kind will do. You will also need a blindfold.

Step 1: Blindfold yourself.

Step 2: Look at something. If you can see something, repeat step 1.

Step 3: Pour. Pour each variety of green tea into a seperate cup. Pour each variety of apple juice into a seperate cup.

Step 3, minus 1 or 2: Cups. You will need cups.

Step 4: Is there anything in the cups? If not, undo the blindfold, repeat step 3, then repeat step 1.

Step 5: Randomize. Place the cups in completely random order, without regard to order.

Step 6: Is the order random? If you answered yes or no, you're cheating! You're not supposed to know! Repeat steps 5 and 6 until you're not sure.

Step 7: Really. This is a single blind test, not a freakin calculus exam, people. Let's get this done without any more tomfoolery.

Step 8: Drink first cup. No, not from the right or the left, just the first one you come to, idiot. This is supposed to be unwittingly random.

Step 9: I think you still know which ones are which. Put all of the cups in a bag, and shake the bag up.

Step 10: Don't use a paper or cloth bag in step 9. Some may spill. Sheesh.

Step 11: Rue the day. If at this point you discover that you have a Bag of crushed Chai, repeat the experiment with actual tea. 'Chai' is the Ukrainian word for tea. Chai has nothing to do with tea.

Step 12: Do you believe that green tea is really apple juice now? If not, repeat steps 1-10, and I will repeat step 11.

Step 13: Direct Proof. Look at the ingredients list for each green tea product. It will say 'apple and pear juice'. If you do not see the ingredients list, undo step 1. If you see but do not comprehend, wait and do not repeat any step with tea in it. Then repeat the step. Pah. Screw you guys. I'm gonna go get some tea.

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