Hardest Thing to Learn

      I was truly an island
      or as close as it gets
      in constant search and hunger
      for something else and something better
      out from the shadow of family
      the shadow of home
      locked in a counter-intuitive notion:
      escape so that I could connect

      I was 14 years old
      on the inside looking out
      and the hardest thing to learn
      was how to do without

      *

      I wasted so much time trying
      to keep them from being upset
      I not only ran out of willpower,
      I found a reason to quit
      you can't just keep on sympathizing
      with the unsatisfyable
      I had to learn to let go of it
      my desire, and my identity

      I was 25 years old
      there was no such thing as fair
      and the hardest thing to learn
      was that if you don't always care then you don't care

      *

      I gained a lot from learning how to garden
      gained a lot from owning a home
      it took time for me to learn how to tend to things
      having been so possessed--a life I couldn't call my own
      all that time I spent trying
      to get back what I felt was taken
      trying in vain to undo what I perceived as
      someone else's mistakes

      now I'm 68 years old
      and even peace is still a struggle
      the hardest thing to learn
      is forgiveness

October, 2020