So the other day, I noticed a button on my dashboard that I hadn't seen before, and I thought, hey, why not press it.
Suddenly an entire extra stick shift rose from a panel next to me, and a sweet female voice from the stereo said,
The first gear is for power when climbing hills.
The second gear is for turning, and accelerating at low speeds.
The third gear is for cruising at low speeds.
The Fourth gear is for accelerating on the highway.
The fifth gear is for cruising on the highway.
The sixth gear is for taking off. Before you shift into sixth gear, you must choose from the selection of music provided. I recommend "Ride of the Valkyries" or "The William tell Overture."
The seventh gear is for accelerating while climbing into the sky.
The eighth gear is for cruising at high altitudes.
The ninth gear is for ascending to the stratosphere.
The tenth gear is for accelerating while leaving earth's gravity well.
The eleventh gear is for cruising in the vacuum of space.
The twelfth gear is for alerting your astromech droid to begin calculating warp speed.
The thirteenth gear is unlucky. Do not touch the thirteenth gear unless all other hope is lost.
The fourteenth gear is for accelerating into warp speed.
The fifteenth gear is for cruising at warp speed.
No one has ever touched the sixteenth gear. Will you be the first?
The seventeenth gear is for accelerating into ludicrous speed.
The Eighteenth gear is for cruising at speeds of plaid.
The nineteenth gear is for accelerating into speeds that leave the universe entirely.
The Twentieth gear is for cruising while outside the universe.
The Twenty-first gear is specifically designed for hoboes, and will, when another human being is seen on the road, stop the car and extend a robotic arm with a cup on the end, into which one can deposit change.
The twenty-second gear is for cruising while hobo.
The twenty-third gear is for accelerating through Hoboken.
The twenty-fourth gear is for the criminally insane. If you use this gear, please be aware that after your ride is over, the car will send a message to the police regarding your whereabouts.
The twenty-fifth gear is for arming the cannons. The twenty-fifth gear cannot be used without first shifting into the twenty-fourth gear, just in case you wanted to get away with blasting annoying drivers off the road. You will have to pay the price for your fun.
The twenty-sixth gear, which cannot be used without shifting into the twenty-fifth gear, will automatically prompt you to dictate a message to your mother, telling her that you love her, or, if she is unavailable, your nearest of kin and/or closest friend/lover.
The twenty-seventh gear, which cannot be used without shifting into the twenty-sixth gear, will automatically send a message to the local paper, detailing your tragic death.
The twenty-eighth gear, which cannot be used without shifting into the twenty-seventh gear, will automatically send a detailed confession to the local police, explaining the tragic circumstances of your upbringing, even if your upbringing was not tragic.
The twenty-ninth gear, which cannot be used without shifting into the twenty-eighth gear, will reveal to you the most deeply-held secrets of the universe.
The thirtieth gear dispenses candy.
What made this particular set of directions odd was that is was coming from the stereo of a Trabant, an East German car that eventually became famous for its low quality, although it rivaled many compact cars in its day. Then again, this was one of the prototypical models, before someone got mustard all over the blueprints. I decided to test these new gears out, just to see if it would really work, wondering all the while what these commies had been up to.
Which is why you're receiving this message now, my love, because I figured you ought to know that I was dumb enough to go this far. I just wanted to go to seventh gear, for a start, and then I was going to come back down and bring you along...but then I got curious, because by the time it got to #30 I'd forgotten everything before #15, so I decided to test them out, and it snowballed. So I guess I'm kind of selfish.
Word of advice: don't buy the Trabant unless -- well, I guess unless you want to follow me. Which I imagine you might. I might see you around, then.
Shifting to twenty-seventh gear now.