They say, when
writing, that you should, and quickly, trim your readership down to those who will appreciate that which you have to offer. In that
spirit;
Hi,
motherfuckers:
I’m here to offer you an opportunity to
manipulate. Me, that is. I'm your vessel, empty, waiting to be filled(
sic). I'm male, seventeen. Just coming out of
high school; it was
shit. I wasn’t popular, but not the other way, either. I’m angsty, but not for
the standard reasons. I'm angry because I was bored. Still bored. Am bored. Can't fucking take it, so bored (that's right, it's
GTKY; and how!). I have friends, most of them I hate. Or not
hate, but they hate themselves, so it doesn’t really matter. The few of them that are okay are off doing other things. I don’t do many other things. I’m leading my school's
Canada First national robotics competition team this year. It's not to hard, and don't have to work, just
delegate.
Last year, I saw people that probably aren’t that much brighter then me excelling. Being featured in
Macleans, getting their
pilot license, running a mid 90’s average while
skipping school all the time. One guy sold of his
networking consulting firm at the end of grade 12 for $90k, then got paid to go to the
U of T. But I'm not jealous, and I shit you not. Other then in knowing that they knew what they wanted (assuming), and they had the motivation to get it. Me, I 'surf the 'net'. I watch
four fucking
hours of TV a day. Sometimes, I read, but not anywhere near as much a I used to.
Plato,
Orwell,
Hawkings,
Gleick,
Newton; you all wrote some funky shit, but I’m bored, and it’s not your fault.
I haven't achieved blessed
mental atrophy, no matter how much I've tried. I still talk to my buddy
Fred, who last year placed 100th (approx.) at the worldwide
Physics Olympiad. He’s pretty bright, we talk about
physics, and
math, and
logic, whatever. I read a lot of books in
junior high, before I got thoroughly pissed. I can talk to him. He's quicker then me, but not so quick I can’t back-and-forth with him. I've never met anybody that quick; excepting maybe the best of the debating kids, and anyway they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, and I respect that, but what's the point? I usually can’t stand talking to adults about anything real; sure, they have stuff to say, some of it's quality, because hey, they’ve had more time to think, experience,
fucknot, but they all seem to make
bullshit assumptions, and that I just can't take. I still write math. I prove things sometimes. Because I'm smart, but never smart enough to be good. Smart enough to think of
original things, but not so smart to think of original things that nobody’s thought of before (heh).
English is my best subject. That thing, y’know, with people being good at
math,
sciences but not the 'soft' subjects, I never got that. It’s all the same shit. You listen, regurgitate. Sometimes you learn and apply. If you have half a brain, just look, and figure things out. Things are never too hard to figure out. I say the obvious, and get lauded for it. Sometimes, if I try, I find something that's not
obvious, and they're like, yeah, that's ok, but isn't it more like
this, where
this is some other
bullshit bastardization that even some of the
free thinkers (that’s a
quote-unquote) seem to feel so fond of.
Sometimes I
draw. I’m pretty good, but not near as good as I could be, because I never took
art in high-school, so I was never pushed. I can draw a few things well. I also do some
3d graphics work,
Photoshop, too, and I’m pretty good, not just for my
age. But I haven’t done anything lately. Because I'm bored. My friend, who’s better then me now, but didn't use to be, is still in high school but’s getting paid $900
USD a month to do part time graphics for some games company down in the 'states. He has motivation. But anyhoo, I make stuff, I draw stuff, I write stuff sometimes, some of it better then this shit. But the stuff,
THE FUCKING STUFF I SEE IN MY HEAD, I can never get down on paper, or anything else for that matter. Inspiration I've never had a problem with. If I could paint, I’ve got a thousand things lined up. Every day I do this little
slide show; I go through all the pictures I'd put down if only I could. And maybe I add one or two. And it's good shit, not as good as the big guys, but maybe I’m thinking I could be. But of course I can't. It’s all bullshit. Because I can't start. Because I know I won't be good, not right away. Because I know it takes practice. And practice is the one thing I can’t do. Because I have no
motivation.
So, what else would I say about me? Hm.. me, me, me. The be-all and end-all of my
existence, you might say. There's a bunch of things I won't say, because they’re pretty messed up and I've already gone on way longer then I wanted to. I guess I should talk about girls. I've never had a date, but I think I could've if I'd really wanted to. I'm
short, and I have a bit of a
lisp, but I can make people laugh, and I'm not a retard. So I could have taken someone out. Maybe. I had a few crushes in
junior high; usually on the '
smart' girls, the ones who worked hard and got good marks. I was
shy back then, so I didn't act. Now, those same girls just piss me off. I'm in
IB and
AP classes, the most 'challenging'
academic program offered in my city of 900 thousand. Most of the people there do work, and
work hard. I don't. I do it if it's for marks, otherwise no dice. I bullshit, I do whatever. I get
good grades. So do other people. The girls that get good grades, I’ve come to realize, usually aren't that smart. None of them I've met have any kind of
intellectual curiosity, although some of them try to pretend to. I don't even like talking to most of them, because I can guess their responses; carry on the
conversations in my own head. I was at
Shad over the summer . (That's a 1-month thing,
technology and business, for the 'best of the best', pretty
wonderfucked, I could node about it, later). I met a girl there who was smart, funny. I liked her. But she was seeing someone, and now she’s hundreds of miles away. And even she had messed up priorities. Often I feel I should try to go get a date, with anyone, just so I know what I’m doing in the future. But, honestly, I can't motivate myself. What's the point? Hm.. I feel I should know this one. But I hate to be fake and to
feign interest in someone. Now, I'm not saying she has to be a farking
rocket scientist; she doesn’t have to do it, academically; I want someone who, y'know, understands things. Who I can talk to about things. Who doesn’t make stupid assumptions about the world we live in and they way it has to be. I'm still looking. Maybe I'm an over-
pretentious little git. I don't know.
But,
jeez, on to what you can do for me; or more rightly, what I can do for you. Next year, I go to
university. Or do I? You tell me. It's what's expected. Most of my friends are going to the
US Ivy Leagues (
Harvard,
Yale, whatever). My parents don't want to pay, so I'm not going. And fuck, I agree with 'em. The education I’d get here, at
Waterloo, or
Queens, or wherever isn't going to be so
substandard to warrant paying literally four times the
$. My parents are boring. My parents are nice. Why can't they be idiots? Why can't they be disturbed? Why won’t anybody give me an outlet? I feel the need to
rebel (there's that angst again), but everybody is too fucking reasonable (the bastards). Nobody does anything so
moronic that I can’t see reason in it, and so I can't rightly motivate myself to oppose it. I read the paper (it's not like I have anything better to do); I read about the kid in
Ottawa who got expelled for writing a
scary story. I'm luck, fuck, why can't that happen here? I'd protest, I'd walk out of class. I'd get off on my
righteous indignation. I'd do anything I could to get some semblance of sanity for that kid; not for him, but for me, for me.
Anyhoo, my parents: Why can't they just tell me what to do? Then I could do it, or the opposite, whatever. I guess when you rebel you just let them dictate your actions in reverse. But they say, no, you don’t have to go (to university, that is) if you don't want to. You could take a year off, but what would I do?
Exactly.
University is the FUCKING DEFAULT. If I don't do anything, I'll probably end up at
UWaterloo, in computer engineering. It seems like now, I do everything by
default. Following the path of
absolute least resistance. I read theses books (sometimres), about this poor kids, street kids, who work their way up, who do more to earn their higher education then I can probably grasp, mentally. And I'm like, yeah, whatever, this thing, I'll do it, if you want me too. It's not like I have anything better to do.
But should I go, and if I go, what should I do? I could do whatever,
science,
physics,
engineering,
comp. sci, I don't doubt my ability to succeed. But I'm bored, and I think I'd stay bored during, well,
that. In
the future, maybe, but now I need to do, to become, not to be saturated with information. Or whatever, I don’t want to pretend to know what I need. I don’t even know
what I want?
Maybe I should do
arts? From what I hear, 'arts people' are much more interesting then the bunch I know now. Or is it just the same bullshit under a
cult of individuality guise?
Or what?
No university?
Get a job?
Physical labor IS phun.
Join the army?
Heinlein says it's good.
Do drugs? People already ask me if I’m on
LSD.
Commit petty crimes? I wouldn't want to seem like a
Fight Club wannabe.
Join a motor gang? (if so, can you lend me a bike?) I feel stressed, y'know? My future, dude, it's hurtling towards me. Should I duck? Or maybe should I just get out? Y'know, go to parties, raves, clubs, whatever. Meet people. Stop bitching and get off my ass? Get my ass off? If so, how? Like I said; I'm lazy, and I can't fucking move.
James Joyce, eat you heart out. So you tell me what to do; and just so I’m not a
puppet, you're me.
That's right. Move me.
- Most definitely Notdievs,
Because no other name will do.
4:30 AM, January 14th, 2001
do, do q&a, it's a free trip..