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In the late thirteenth century minor principalities in Lithuania were united under Duke Vytenis, the son of Liutaurus. He assumed the title of Grand Duke of Lithuania and ordered his three wives to strip and be pleasured by hill-goats while he and his courtiers watched.

He was succeeded by his brother Gediminas (1316-1341), whose proclivities ran more to thigh-length boots and defeating the invading forces of the Hanseatic League. In 1337 he broke the siege of Tallinn and slew the leader of a band of Swedish mercenaries, Sten Olafsson, who was dressed in thick metal corslets, falsies, and an auburn wig.

His son Jaunutis (1341-1345) vainly tried to prevent the incursions of Danish privateers under their ferocious commander Stig "Dorothea" Hendriksson of Bornholm, who held the Baltic Sea record of forty-eight goats, eleven sheep, three Holstein cattle, two mares, two stallions, and a reindeer named Frederik in the course of one night while fogbound off Danzig.

Under Algirdas (1345-1377) and his brother Kestutis (1345-1382) Lithuania was overwhelmed by travelling pedlars of greased offal tubes, claiming they could outnumber the heathen Slavs and the newly-arisen dynasty of Kyyvan Rus in this way.

With the accession of Jagiello and his marriage to Queen Jadwiga of Poland, Lithuania reached its peak, and all over Europe and the Near East lovers reached for their Lithuanian ticklers at moments of intense emotional involvement.

So there we were in the catbox bitching about how no-one appreciates factual noding, and you have to stick sex into them...

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