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You have probably asked yourself at some point, "What is a homing fish and how do I train one?" Well, here's the definitive answer.

Training a fish to 'home', or return to a certain place is difficult, but can be achieved in 3 short weeks. First you need to encourage someone to fillet a medium-sized fish as part of a cooking competition. He should put some random, spare portion of fish in the just-emptied bin. IMPORTANT: the fish should not be wrapped in anything.

When the day arrives for the bins to be emptied by the council, the fish will stick, limpet-like, to the bottom of your bin. You will know that all is going according to plan when your neighbour informs you that your bin "smells like it has some fish-gone-bad in it" and "you'd better clean that before you get bluebottles".

Someone now needs to clean out the bin. This should be done with diluted bleach. The bleachy water, complete with dislodged lump of fish should be emptied over a corner of the garden.

The next week, someone else will find the stinking, rotting fish-corpse and try to dispose of it properly - with a bin bag - without vomiting. This week when the bins are due to be put out: forget. The fish will not be a homing fish if you just throw it away. This takes effort, but stick wih it.

Now you have a totally rotten, weapons-grade dead homing fish residing forever in your wheelie bin. Do not try to get rid of it any more. It is futile.

This text is lovingly adapted from my original text in the K-One (a former geek house) FAQ.

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