How To Be Funny

It's difficult to write a cohesive article for E2, for a variety of reasons including the sticky fact that only 3 people reading this can pronounce cohesive and two of them are my personalities. Another problem stems from my lack of any memory of the past three years whatsoever. Who the fuck are you people? What are you doing in my sauna?

So in lieu of an action-packed bloodbath through the dangerous heart of a man on the edge of homosexuality, I thought I'd present a little something I call Clive, but which many of you will recognise as "Comedy: A Survival Guide". So gather round, little children. Closer. Closer. If you tug the magic snake he will gift you with treats!

I am a blue Bakelite tram and my name is Tim.

To survive in this dog-eat-dog world, you should probably learn to read. Especially if you are a dog, because then you'd better fucking watch out for other dogs since they will apparently eat you. Of course, if you are a dog and reading this, you are probably in a circus and are thus safely behind bars, dreaming of the hot bitch in Cage 12 who looks great in a tutu and can ride a bike. So I guess other dogs aren't really a problem unless you have to partner with them in a trapeze act, in which case you'd better be careful because dogs don't have thumbs and he will probably drop you.

But I digress. Learn to read. That's my point.

No time for love, Dr. Jones

You will also need to watch movies. I'm sorry if I'm moving too fast and have left behind all those who are only just learning to see, but I have a plane to catch to an undisclosed location where a henchman with an obviously fake Scottish accent will hand me a briefcase full of stolen diamonds. This will be followed by a rooftop chase, a struggle for the only handgun, and a brief plunge over the side by the hapless minion. Score: 1 Trembling - 0 Evil. Fuck, where is my Xanax?

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No seriously people I get these headaches where is my Xanax?

Here's your Xanax

Ah, good one. Ok, now that you've learned to read books and watch movies, you can move on to the most vital step, which is be funny.

Most of you will fail at this point. Don't throw in the towel yet, mainly because you will want that towel back and someone will invariably say "No, this is my towel, I didn't see your towel anywhere", and you'll be forced to fucking cut that bitch like a dead whore.

Billy Connolly has been failing at this point for almost nine years, but you don't see him suddenly reaching self-awareness, giving it all up and becoming an investment banker, do you? No. He's ploughed on, oblivious to our scorn and hatred, and look at what he has become. Just look. Fucking look at him, it's disgusting; I mean, Jesus Christ stop looking oh sweet Lord stop it please.

Some people are born funny. Others are thrust into funny. Others steal their funny like John Vlismas stole his routine from Eddie Izzard,and yet others owe Nick the loan shark 5 G's by Monday or that funny will be sticking out of their trachea. I have often espoused the opinion that it doesn't matter if you're funny, as long as you are both loud and confident. For example, when someone says "Hello", stabbing them in the throat with a pencil while screaming "NOW WHO'S ASKING THE QUESTIONS?” will always get a laugh, especially if the pencil is one of those humorous ones with a big-haired troll on the end. Haha those trolls always get me hahhaa oh man.

The reason I advise you to read books and watch movies on your quest for comedy is for the simple fact that you can steal everything from them. The last original joke I made was in 1998, and even that was a barely disguised reference to "The Golden Child" that luckily only my mom picked up. To illustrate, I will use random movie quotes as replies to common questions:

Question: "Where is the bathroom?"
Answer: "We're gonna need a bigger boat." - Jaws (1975)

Question: "How are you today?"
Answer: "GET OFF MY PLANE!" - Air Force One (1997)

Question: "Would you like some hot gay sex?"
Answer: "It's a trap!" - Star Wars Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)

Question: "Could you pass me the salt?"
Answer: "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!11one" - Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Well, now that we're done with business, maybe you'd like to come back to my place. Sure I have wine. Ahaah. No this is not herpes, I've been eating Pringles.

The Bottom Line.

The bottom line is profit. It always has been. And the reason I called you in today, Perkins, is because screwing your secretary in the copy room is not helping our bottom line in the least, unless by "our" you meant "you" and by "bottom line" you meant "achieve multiple orgasms".

No really what the fuck?

Don't end up like us ex-comedians, sitting at home 10 years from now, masturbating franticly with a bottle of lube you stole from your mom's cupboard while she was passed out after a heroin binge, desperately clinging to ideals and aspirations that went out of fashion years ago, hungering for time when you could both dream it and be it, desperately seeking approval, reduced to solace in a mug of cheap whiskey that smells like nail varnish, unrepentant and unamused, feeling your age, fighting the clock, forcing yourself to watch the evening news with a cheery smile that reminds you of your father, unable to express any emotion but a vague listless dissatisfaction, and unable to breathe.

Unless you want to.

Say, let me tell you about open mike night at your local comedy club. I'm deadly serious when I say this: It's easier than it looks. No really. I'm a horrible public speaker to begin with. But I've done open mike stand up half a dozen times. Not fully sober, mind you. More about that later. If you've always had a secret yearning to do open mike night at a comedy club, listen up. Do some intel. Visit a comedy club a few times. Take a long hard look at acts at a comedy club and the people that go to comedy clubs. What you realize is 1) the jokes aren't that funny 2) people are laughing at jokes that aren't that funny.

Why?

Crowds in comedy clubs are a self selected bunch. They want to laugh. Ever see a movie at a theater you thought was really funny and laughed like hell but your significant other didn't laugh once when you rented it? You got that kind of effect going.

People who go to comedy clubs want to laugh so much they'll pay some outrageous cover charge to sit in a basement venue that couldn't support any other form of drinking establishment unless they moved said establishment near a university with a strong undergraduate chemistry program. Here's the key. Those people WANT to get their money's worth. So they'll be happy to laugh at anything, especially if they're a bit drunk.

Also bear in mind, you're not going to be up on stage for half an hour. Most open mikes have lots of comedians and you're lucky to get 4 minutes. Anyone who harbors any secret open mike comedy fantasy has AT LEAST 4 minutes of passably funny material.

Okay so your stuff is passably funny. Just make sure you have it down pat. And start with your best jokes first. If you get laughs with your best jokes, it calms your stage fright and pumps up your ego. If you get no laughs with your best stuff, well, be thankful it's only 4 minutes out of your life. A long 4 minutes. But whatever.

It's best if you have a couple drinks before going up on stage. Don't go up drunk or high. Just enough that your inhibitions are lowered. If it's your first time doing open mike, you might get called up on stage ASAP. The new meat tends to get thrown out first. So start drinking early. You don't get paid for open mike but many clubs will give you cheaper drinks. Also plunk yourself down with the other open mike comedians. You won't find a nicer, more supportive bunch of people. Outside the dark little corner you're all huddled in, these open mike comedians are probably washouts as human beings, and hands down you'll find more than one date rapist among them. But in that little timid mass, it's friendly and supportive, like a small group of strange women all trying on bathing suits. One of those women could be Osama bin Laden and you're not going to care as long as Osama doesn't say anything bad about your tummy fat, you're not going to say anything bad about him not being a woman and in fact him being the most wanted terrorist on the planet.

Oh oh your name has been called. The host, usually a real comedian, might compliment you even if he/she has never met you. Up next we have a really funny lady... The real comedians are on your side too. Ain't that great? There's so much supportive love in the room it's a god damn wonder you don't sever your ties to your real family, shave your head, sell all your worldly goods, and take up with these people in some little UFO cult, making web sites for car dealerships until such time as a comet makes its way into the solar system and that's your go signal to shed your meat container so you can join the lizard people on Zeti Ridiculon IV.

Now it's like the moment of truth. Fear is not an option at this point. It's now like skydiving. You have to jump. There are people behind you waiting. You can't get out of their way. You just go.

Up on stage, you'll notice you can't see anyone. If you can see some people, just stare into the stage lights. They'll soon go away and stop being a bother. Listen for the laughs. It's a good feeling. Watch for the little signal flare that tells you your time is over. Now say something like "Oh that's my time. Thanks!" Get off the stage. Go sit with the other comedians. They'll tell you supportive things.