Preferably before the age of fifteen, you, assuming you're a person who fancies women, need to learn to do this. I did not have this skill before the age of fifteen and it shows. The reason you need to learn this skill is as follows - I have it on fairly good authority that having to resort to a box cutter to get at a lady's jubblies is neither practical nor impressive. No, for maximum Style Points, you need to be able to, one handedly, reach round behind the lass and, single-handedly, unclip it. This leaves your other hand free to, well, do other things.

There's only one way to get good at this, and that's practice. Here is how it is done.

You Will Need:

  • A woman wearing a brassiĆ©re.
  • A hand.

(If you have not the first, you can wrap a bra round a pillow if you want but given that a real live human body is less squishy than a pillow, this is not quite comparing like with like. If you lack the latter, skip to "I am Abu Hamza" below).

I'm assuming it's a standard back-fastener for this writeup. I'll deal with front loaders later.

1. Reach around and find the fastening bit. It's a bit thicker than the rest of it, and there is a noticeable lump. If you were paying attention earlier at any point at which her back was to you, you may know roughly where it is.

2. Is it right over left or left over right? This is important as it dictates which hand you must use. If you don't know how bras work, there's basically a series of hooks in one half that protrude inwards and lock in to a series of eyes on the other half. The hook-bearing half usually is outermost.

3. Put your thumb on the outside and slide your index finger into the join lengthways. You should feel your fingertip jab slightly into her back. This is tough to describe without a diagram, so basically, you slide your index finger downwards along the end of the fastening until it touches her back again. You then need to sort of shuffle it sideways deeper into the aperture.

4. Use a pinching, twisting motion to release the hooks from the eyes. You may need to repeat this a couple of times if she's got it on the second or even third row of hooks, or if it snags and one of the hooks doesn't release. Try to wrap the end of the bra over the end of your thumb, if that makes sense.

5. Remove hand and let her shrug it off. Synchronised mammary undulation ahoy!

Of course, things are rarely that simple... so I've devised this troubleshooting section just for you!

Problem: It's a front loader.
Front loading bras are a rare beast but if you stick to the pinch-and-twist release method I've described above, it should work. Bear in mind that you'll have less room to move here, so plan accordingly and consider that too enthusiastic movements may be rather uncomfortable for her here.

Problem: It's a sports bra.
This is tricky, as sports bras are smooth all over and don't fasten. If you can remove one with one hand you are welcome to /msg me, but it may be a bit cumbersome I fear.

Problem: I am Abu Hamza.
Firstly, are you married to her? If you are not, go and stone yourself to death for fornication. If you are... this is a tough one. But I'll practice on my flatmate with a knife and fork for you and fill this bit in when I've got an answer.

Problem: She is not wearing a bra.
This isn't a problem. What are you on about?

And that's about it really. Just remember - practice makes perfect. And once you've mastered this, it's time to advance to the next super essential life skill - How to put on a lubber with one hand at the same time.

(IRON NODE 27 of 30.)

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