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Penile hygiene is one of the most important kinds of hygiene a man can practice. Think about it, what chance is there a lover will be suckling upon your kneecaps or pressing moistened lips and tongue up against your armpits? Okay, I'm not the judge of you, and what you do in your relationship, but most men and women alike have other preferred target zones for such attentions. Not that kneecap hygiene is unimportant, but we'll shift it pretty far down-a-ways on the list for now. It's not nearly as complicated anyway.

First -- and this ought to be obvious -- wash your hairy ass. And your fur-coated testicle sack. And the follicle-blanketed hoobestank what lies betwixt 'em. No matter how immaculate of a penis you possess, if unpleasantness occupies the surrounding area, the overall impression arising therefrom will be of that unpleasantness. Imagine the farthest distance between the bottom lip of an average completely-open mouth and the tip of an average nose. Now imagine a circle doubling the diameter of that distance with your member focally situated. Make sure to hit all of that, and I mean with soap and water, not with your bare fists.

Now on to the main event. The penis is composed primarily of columns of spongiform tissue (called the corpora cavernosa and corpus spongiosa), which allows it to grow a great deal when properly stimulated. This means the skin of it has no choice but to be highly elastic; and when in its retracted form, it is compressed and folded against itself. And so, this skin must be stre-e-e-etched for it to be thoroughly cleansed, so you, the cleaner, will need to elicit what is known in the formal scientific literature as a "half-a-hard." A half-a-hard is the semi-erect state the penis assumes when it can't quite decide whether to come to full attention, or go back to sleep. It's the kind of semi-stiffening which might be elicited by thinking about that flash of boobage you caught from that checkout girl who you wouldn't be particularly inclined to get with, but wouldn't turn down in a pinch, either. (If you are gay, please substitute "bag boy" for "checkout girl"). Now, you've got to be very, very careful when handling a half-a-hard because any slip of thought into more lascivious fantasy can result in a full-on hard-on. And once you find yourself stroking your soapy, fully erect penis in the shower while fantasizing about that time your hot, hot cousin Sophie came over and unexpectedly banged you silly, an explosion is imminent from which you may not be able to fully recover in time to fully appreciate the activity for which you are washing your penis in the first place. So whatever you do, do keep your perverse contemplations at the half-a-hard level.

Now, about the actual cleaning. With thumb and forefinger of one hand, hold the head of your penis still, pulling forward slightly to keep it taut. With the other hand, lather up the length of the shaft up and down. You can use full length strokes, or short choppy ones, but no one likes to use the word "chop" and "penis" in the same sentence. Do not use an exfoliating sponge or anything rough like that; you may feel you could use your penis to hammer ten penny nails through plywood, but it's really just a bit more delicate than that. You can use a soft washcloth. Once the shaft is done, move your grasping hand back over the shaft, and clean the head. This will be a bit different based on the presence or absence of a foreskin, which must be pulled back and cleaned thoroughly in the same way. Observe that the presence of a foreskin means almost certain smegma buildup -- that's sort of like toe jam or eye boogers for your penis, caused by the fricative rubbing off of skin cells between foreskin and the mushroom cap, combined with sweat and other excreted bodily oils. This provides a happy habitat for bacteria, so if your producers chose to release the uncut version, take special care to fold back this extra skin (a task more easily done, as well, in a state of at least partial arousal) and clean under that hood ofter. But outside of that, it's all even. Getting to the head, address it by going around it with strokes going from back-to-front only. You know that little hole at the tip of your penis, from where certain fluids emit? It's called a meatus. Well actually any such bodily canal openning is a meatus, that one's simply the meatus of the penis. Avoid letting any soap sneak into your meatus. No interior parts require that kind of attention, and it can result in a positively unpleasant evening. Keeping your cleaning strokes forward-moving will help prevent any accidental meatus unpleasantness.

Now, rinse thoroughly. Surely a soapy-tasting penis, while better than a crotch-sweat-tasting penis, is no great pleasure either.

Congratulations, you now have a kissably clean penis.

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