Why, why, why are you showing me commercials at the movie theatre? I can understand previews. I like previews. But commercials? Please . . .

Haven't I already paid for this movie? Didn't I just give you enough money to feed a family in Sub-Saharan Africa for weeks? Have I not purchased your hideous fake butter popcorn, your watery $5 cola and been so kind as to have noted the nearest exit for use in the case of an emergency?

Why are you trying to advertise to me?

Now I understand that advertising is a ubiquitous and necessary evil. Advertising is a way of making a service or event profitable, it allows companies large and small to inform consumers and attract new business, which keeps the economy going strong and the world turning on its axis.

But how in the name of St. Buttplug can a large movie theatre be considered unprofitable when I have just paid twenty dollars for the privilege of sitting in a large room with 200 other people for the next 90 minutes? How do you justify telling me to buy coke WHEN I AM HOLDING A CUP OF COLA LARGE ENOUGH TO BEAR SMALL WATER CRAFT?

From now on when I got to a movie, until the commercials are over, I am going to smoke, I am going to talk loudly, I am going to put my feet on the backs of the seats, I am going to play all of the possible rings that my cell phone can make, I am going to bring a variety of small ordnance firearms and frequently discharge them into the air. If I am to be patronized and insulted, I'm going do it on my own terms.

And then, of course, I'll shut up for when the previews come on.

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