I am singlehandedly attempting to
deconstruct all usefulness of the
English language, one phrase at a time.
How will I accomplish this dastardly deed?
- Ambiguity overload: Be as ambiguous with everything you say as humanly possible. A perfect example of this is when asked how I'm doing. The response is always - "Well, you know it's {insert day of week here}". Invariably, I'll recieve a response of 'It sure is'. By responding in this manner, not only have I not answered the question, but I've also incited an ambiguous response. No information has actually been exchanged. Genius!
- The Sacrificial Sentence: Start off a sentence with the phrase "You know, I was just thinking..." and trail off. After pausing for about 15 seconds, while you still hold your audience's attention, state "Ahhh crap, I forgot". This will not only leave your audience's mind confused, but will also (over time) cause them to start doing the same thing.
- Wandering Eye Contact: Start every conversation making eye contact with people. Over time, start moving your focus to the left or right slightly (an inch at a time). This is a great way to confuse people, especially if you are speaking to a number of people at once.
- Do like Dubya: Consistently confuse the meanings of similar sounding words. After time, your audience will begin to confuse them as well. Some suggestions are 'anonymously' with 'animosity'; 'celebate' and 'surrogate'. I think you get the draft.
- Suffixate Like There's no Tomorrow: Add odd suffixes to as many words as you can. I like to make words up like 'Rockify', 'Codation', and 'Crapicate'.
- Use Contradictory Adjectives (Oxymorons, moron): Slam words together like 'disgustingly beautiful', 'hugely small', and 'Microsoft Works'
By following these simple steps, I have already observed my social circle beginning their dumbing down. Soon, it'll come to your town faster than AYBABTU or that f-ing Dancing Baby.
The revolution is here, baby.