I can't believe it's not haggis

(A distraught female bag pipe player is sitting in her studio gazing at a picture of William Wallace and sobbing)
Oh woe is me! How can I ever complete my tribute to my beloved scottish hero, while I live with the guilt of eating this fattening delicous scottish haggis!
(Enter the ghost of Sir Willam Wallace in a puff of red and blue smoke. Amazing grace on the bag pipes is playing in the background)
Worry Not young lass. They can take your beautiful songs, but they can never take...YOUR HAGGIS! (hands over large metal can of sorts)
(Young lass tastes meat product from can)
Is this light tasty treat Haggis Sir Wallace?
(Willam Wallace): Nay, young lass, T'aint haggis. It's 98% fat free!(Dissapears into puff of blue and red smoke, bag pipe music stops)
(Young Lass) I cant belive it's not haggis!

Vegetarian Haggis

• 2 oz rolled oats
• 2 oz pinhead oatmeal
• 2 oz mixed chopped nuts
• 2 oz margarine
• 1 large carrot
• 4 oz mushrooms
• 1 large onion
• small can kidney beans (drained)
• 2 oz vegetarian suet
• 1/2 teaspoon yeast extract
• 1 tablespoon (or more!) whiskey
• 1 teaspoon (at least) freshly ground black pepper
• juice 1/2 lemon (or 1 lime)
• 3 teaspoons of dried mixed herbs

1. Melt half the margarine in an ovenproof saucepan / casserole dish. Add oats, oatmeal and nuts and cook for 3 minutes. Put in bowl.

2. Chop carrot, mushrooms onion and kidney beans finely (food processor very handy here!). Melt rest of margarine, add chopped vegetables, and cook for another 2 minutes. Add the rest of the ingredients, and the oat mixture. Cook for 5 minutes.

3. Transfer to medium oven for 40 minutes.

Traditionally, serve with "bashed neeps" (mashed swede) and "mashed tatties" (mashed potatoes) and copious amounts of whiskey.

Also goes well with roast onions (put in the oven 10 minutes before the haggis). (The fat content can be reduced by halving (or removing) the suet. If this is done, check it isn't getting too dry, and add some veggie stock if necessary.)

Source: Various web pages that seem to have copied off of each other.

The problem with regular haggis, according to most people, is not that it's fattening. (Those who are concerned about the presence of meat in haggis are vegetarians and should therefore be ignored.) The problem, rather, is the way haggis is made with bits of lung and all kinds of other unidentifiable animal parts.

Behold... the solution.

I call it `Microsoft Haggis', because it looks like haggis, tastes like haggis, but is not really haggis. And yet it is far more acceptable to the non-technical masses who want nothing more than an easy life and the aparrent absence of uncomfortable truths, such as the facts that a) operating systems are complex to use and b) haggis contains minced lung.

However, I can't believe it's not haggis is a pretty damn good name for it, too.

You Will Need:

(Serves two)

• pinhead oatmeal, about two soupspoons
• ¼ lb¹ mince
• 2 oz onion², chopped
• Bisto or similar gravy granules
• chilli powder! About a level teaspoon. Use with caution.
• whisky. For the Americans out there, please note that this means a Scottish whisky. And don't be stingy with it. Use a blend unless you plan on remortgaging your house.

What You Need to Do:

First, boil the oatmeal in a pan with about 1¼ cups of dihydrogen monoxide and a pinch of salt, for about ten minutes, until you get something resembling porridge.

Now, fry up the mince, onion and chilli powder. Add half a cup of water so it begins to stew.

When the onion is soft, mix two teaspoons of gravy granules with a little water, then mix the resultant concoction in with the mince. Then add the porridge-stuff.

Next, stick about an inch of water in a saucepan, with a soupspoon of gravy granules. Wait! Mix the gravy granules with a bit of water first or you'll screw it up. (IME it has to be done water to gravy, not gravy to water, or you get lumps. Don't ask me why this is the case.) Boil this stuff up and add whisky to taste. (When I say "to taste", I mean "lots".) Pour the result over the haggis.

Serve with mashed neeps and tatties³ and more whisky. And then some more whisky for luck.

You can play around with the quantities and whatnot to find something that suits you. Personally, I prefer slightly less oatmeal and slightly more mince, and a touch more chilli powder.

Don't let any Scots know that you're bastardising their sacred dish.

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[ 1 ] lagrange takes no responsibilty for those people who can't deal with Imperial measurements. In case you haven't noticed by now, I'm an imperialist and I like it. Oh, all right then. A pound is slightly less than half a kilogram, but that's all you're getting.

[ 2 ] I don't even know what an ounce is. Not much.

[ 3 ] The writeup under neeps and tatties describes Bubble and Squeak. What is referred to in this node is mashed swede and potatoes. None of this fancy bacon lark, that's for southerners.