I just keep playing it in my head over and over
on repeat, all the times we had, all the words we exchanged, and all the ones that now mix in with them and distort them.
We always had our
own little world, I thought. Our personal lives never intruded into it and we held it precious. I thought... I could never ask you personal things about your life because I didn't want to know. I never wanted it to ruin
the illusion I had created.
But I finally asked. I thought
I was finally strong enough to ask, and I asked for you to tell me of that world you've never opened up to me. And you told me and now the images won't go away.
I always wondered why you hesitated, why you only hinted at it but never really plunged in. Why you were nervous and why you wouldn't have regretted kissing me
that night in the rain when we walked forever. That night you gave me a hug and I wanted it to last forever but you pulled away, and I never knew why you pulled away. I never knew why
you kept pulling away.
"I often thought that I would marry you," you told me.
I often thought so, too.
"I was hard-pressed not to start something dangerous with you," you say. And I only wish that you had. I only wish that I had tried a little harder.
But now you've gone and you're with her. And
she completes you. I don't know if I can handle the image of you with her, of her blonde hair that she wishes was brown and how you say
she can't express herself. I wonder why it is that she's holding you in the night and it isn't me, and why the things don't fit together anymore.
I can't help but know that when your eyes were full of anger that night I was being such a bitch and you grabbed my arm and our breaths were just inches away from each other and
the world stopped. And that it began again only because you thought of her. That you pulled away each time because of her.
I don't even have a right to be jealous. I guess maybe you were never mine, not even when I thought so.
How could you do this to me? How could you find her and make me wish so badly that she was me?
All I have left is the things you taught me. All I have left is the comfort in knowing you've finally let me into your world, even if I can hardly bear to see it, and I'm left here
torturing myself.