So I live in urban Connecticut, which everyone says is dangerous and scary, and sometimes I think they're being a bunch of racists, but sometimes I have to admit that they might have a point. Although they don't actually know how they might be right. It's got nothing to do with crime.
I want to emphasize that I do, in fact, get home from my job alive, every evening. But sometimes it's a hell of a chore.
For example: one particular evening, I got carried away by a whole murder of crows. They had elected me their leader. I hadn't even run a campaign, mind you. The whole thing was rather rude. My first decree was that they put me down on my front lawn, and my second decree was that I was abidcating. So they pecked me a lot and drove me inside.
Another evening, I ran into a pair of crocs. The footwear, I mean. They were real big and they opened up their jaws and snapped at me. You'd think crocs wouldn't be good for running but I really had to sprint to keep ahead of them. Fortunately they were caught by the Fashion Police.
Another evening, I got arrested by the Fashion Police for my own atrocious outfit. They stole my crocs. I had to escape by distracting them with glitter.
Then there was this one time where I ran into this big green dragon and he was sitting in front of three doors and he was like "Choose between these three doors, but only one leads you safely home, the other two lead you toward your DOOM." and I was like "How much do you get paid for this?" And he was like "Oh, this is just an internship." And I was like "Do you actually want this job or do you want to work for the post office? We get decent health insurance." And he was like "Actually, working for the USPS sounds better." So that solved THAT problem.
But that wasn't half as annoying as the time where I wound up in some spooky woods where the path was winding and twisty and creepy, and I heard strange wailing, and something was pulling my leg.
And then ine evening I had to play a game of chess against the river god before he would let me go. (I mated in three.)
So I finally decided to call a damn Uber. But when I got in, the driver pushed a button on his dashboard and suddenly we were taking off into the sky. Maybe that would have been a quick way to get home but he decided to do some fucking barnstorming. Loops and barrel rolls and all. I had to threaten him with a one-star review to get him to stop.
The evening after that, I got caught in an avalanche. Which was weird because there hasn't been any snow this winter. I had to blast my way out with my handy flamethrower.
Then there was this time where I ran into an ogre and he made a snide remark about my clothing so I insulted his mother. He punted me into the sky. I landed right in front of my neighbor's house.
So I finally decided I'd cut to the chase and dig a tunnel to avoid all this nonsense. Only to see the tunnel filling with water and realize I'd been digging toward the river. That was a wet and cold evening, let me tell you.
So the next day I thought, okay, I'm working for the Post Office, I'll just put myself in a box and mail myself home. It was pretty cramped in there and it wound up being really expensive and I only got home at like 3 the next day. Not doing that again.
I tried grabbing the ladder on the back of one of those windowless utility vans, once. It was a good way to hitch a ride until the thing took a sharp turn and tossed me off. And now I know why bikers wear leather.
Next time I tried hitching a ride, I did it the proper way with my thumb out. It wasn uneventful ride. But when I got out and turned around to thank the driver, the car had vanished. never saw it again.
The evening after that, I decided to walk, and I would have got home at a decent hour, but I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some long-forgotten words or ancient melodies. He looked at me as if to say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" And I was so embarrassed that I walked at half my usual speed.
Then there was the time I, being as always hungry after work, found myself in the McDonald's across the street, having devoured literally every burger in the store. They tossed me out the door. I probably owe them a lot of money.
I tried to get around all the nonsense by bending a tree down and using it as a catapult. But what I didn't consider was that not every tree is bendy. Poplar, pine, palm, other trees that start with P. But I grabbed a maple. The thing snapped in half and a whole mess of branches and limbs and twigs fell on me. I wound up pinned to the ground with a broken ankle. So I had to call an Uber and give them a 100% tip for getting me out of there. Cheaper than calling an ambulance, I guess.
The next night, I figured I'd clear that debris out and get myself some transportation in the bargain. So I took the trunk and hollowed it out into a dugout canoe. Then I paddled down the river, intending to pick up a creek that would take me close to home. But I got picked up by a pirate ship, heading up the river towards Windsor Locks. They hauled me on board to rob me, but I grabbed a cutlass and fought back real hard. After a fierce battle, the captain called a ceasfire, and I realized it was the Pirate Princess herself. She said I was so brave that she wanted me to marry her and be her first mate. I had to break it to her that I'd already fallen in love twice and wasn't over it, and anyway she wasn't my type. So they shot me out of a cannon. I landed on my front lawn and made a hell of a divot.
The next evening, I was walking back and -- do you know what the most dangerous thing you can do in an airplane is? Fly close to the ground. But I heard a buzzing and I saw a little Cessna heading right for me. Instead of diving out of the way, I took off running like an idiot. The plane snagged me with a wheel. I had to climb up into the craft and battle the pilot for the controls. We wound up crash-landing on the lawn of the house across from mine.
Then there was that wild ride -- literally wild. I saw a deer dash by me, and it was followed by a whole pack of wolves. I jumped on the back of one of them and figured I'd join the hunt. (I'm short and wolves are fucking huge, so it worked.) I jumped off the back of that wolf and brought the deer down myself. The top dog wasn't too happy with that, so I had to fight him for leadership. Thus I became the queen of the wolves. At least until I rode the pack home and jumped off and said goodbye. Not sure if that was an abdication.
The next evening, the wolf pack found me again and I had to help them fight a big ol' trash monster. There's a few of those in the city. People toss their garbage out the window and think it's not a problem.
The next evening, I decided to fly home by grabbing all of the helium balloons from in front of the big car dealership, and use the big American flag as a sail. It worked! It was heading in the vague direction of home at a fast clip. But then an airplane smacked into me nose-first. Knocked me out of the sky. I landed on my front lawn.
An then the night after that I figured I'd grab one of those public electric scooters, only this one had its speed governors removed, so I shot forward at like seventy miles an hour, no brakes, wound up smacking face-first into the side of the baseball stadium.
So I finally decided to just take the fucking bus. Which is when I learned that rides had been free since last April. Fuck me, right? Whatever. It got me home pretty quick. In a single minute, in fact! I'm pretty sure we burned rubber. I recall hearing sirens from all across the city as I entered my house.
We'll see how it goes from now on.