I have failed in your million rows of data and failed in your moments of pressure I have failed to become smooth I am a failed machine the lines on your wall do not describe my days I have failed to be represented there I have failed to arrive or leave on time and everything I have done has turned out different to how we planned it I am sorry I cannot relax on your trains and I cannot enjoy lunch in your canteens I have searched for purpose in what I do I have been smiling and I have been polite I have tried I am sorry I have failed in your vast network I am offline
I cannot focus on my screen sometimes and I forget my passwords I send emails and do not understand the replies sometimes out of frustration I am sarcastic or angry when really I feel like crying we are not supposed to cry in the cubicles my friend looks at me like I am incredible in these moments when I have failed like I am incomprehensible like I have failed I do not like the fluorescent lights I neglect the time management systems I find the project plan to be a work of surrealist art I drink too much coffee I fall asleep in meetings I do not respect my managers I have failed to be a model employee I have failed to show initiative or to improve myself or my co-workers I have philosophical problems I have failed to flow my diagrams make sense only to me I have the mistaken belief that we are all good people I have the mistaken belief that none of us take these things seriously I have the mistaken belief that my reactions are rational and human I have failed to be objective I have failed to perform an accurate self assessment I have cheated on my personality test I do not function as part of a machine and therefore by any proper definition I simply do not function at all I do not function I am sorry
there are fields of data in myriad forms dates and strings and integers we are creating harmonies between networks of order we are transforming languages that no one will ever speak I have failed to find this inspiring characters have begun to blur in my sight I have failed to become a cypher between databases I have failed to become a key molded to a lock I have failed to find a way to maintain focus I am not clear and present I would rather be almost anywhere else I am sorry I am an anomaly in this world I am a glitch in the smooth running of the machines that employ me I have failed to become smooth an uneroded pebble in a river
my mind is a chaos everything I have achieved has been by accident I get headaches I am not at peace in a forest of screens I am not at peace listening to the hum of a thousand computers I cannot meditate I have failed to integrate the machine experience into my life I do not collect the things of the past I have trouble remembering who I was ten years ago or even one year ago I have trouble knowing who I am in this moment I have failed to be consistent I have failed to apply myself I do not have a five year plan I do not know if becoming involved with me will be good or bad for you I do not know if I am a good or bad person it is possible that I am bad it is possible that I am wrong I am sorry I have failed to become something recognizable
I will try to escape your notice I will try not to break the machine I will try simply to live I have failed to be assimilated into the glass eggshells the concrete megaliths I have crossed the river and I have failed to forget the grey river and the grey bridge the thousand souls walking the bridge in the morning as the river swells in from the sea as the light squeezes in through the clouds I have crossed the river with you and not recognized you I have failed to iron my shirt and I have forgotten my door pass I am sorry