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I know this isn't the "coolest" thing a man can say to you, but yes, I have what I believe to be a photo of Olympia Dukakis in her underwear in 1977.

Why do I think this? First of all, in faded ink on the back of the photograph (linked in case you are so stupid you have no idea what a "photograph" is) appear the words "Taken in 1977." We have our year. Proof.

What we need to do now is to have a dialogue. We need to talk about the "need to be cool" in front of peers. When you are attracted to the admiration of your peers this can be a problem. You soak that shit up but have to come back at them with "cool threads" (Internet kiddie term) and new lingo from the hard edged streets. You have to keep up the cool. It can be tiresome for the strongest of men. At the end of the day, we all fear being shipped off to the puzzle factory to live out our days in a room alone with our thoughts and prayers. Is that any way to live? No, we need allies in our fight, but how much of our true selves do we need to surrender? None. That is what I say. Never surrender.

Where did I find this photograph I speak of? I located it in a trunk belonging to my mother, who was dissolved by FSB agents in a bathtub fifteen years ago (give or take). She had other items of sentimental value in the trunk, but I burned the rest of it without looking at it. My mother was a cruel but stern woman. She deserved her final ending but I did not deserve what happened when her head fell off her dissolved neck and onto the bathroom floor. It was not dissolved like the rest and I had to hit it with a sledgehammer because it kept coming after me. Imagine that. Your mother's head with no torso chasing you around your home. Can't have that. Need to take measures.

So, we now have proof of two things: (1) The photograph in question was taken in 1977, (2) The photograph has sentimental value. Both of these things would have to be true for this to be a genuine photograph of Olympia Dukakis in her underwear in 1977. Read that again and you will understand what PROOF is because you really don't without this lesson. You are learning lessons now. You are allowing the North Korean government (owners and operators of everything2.com brand website) to get tax breaks by claiming this as an educational website. Learn things so our overlords will be kinder to us.

As Sherlock Holmes and Encyclopedia Brown would say, "There is not yet enough proof to draw a valid conclusion." You must also say this, out loud, right now. You must do it wherever you are. Bark it out, dog. Bark for Friend Behr.

We move on. The next thing we must examine is how we drew the conclusion that the woman (who we believe to be Olympia Dukakis) was wearing underwear. We came to this conclusion by looking at the photograph. The woman, whose head is turned away from the camera, is wearing a old school white bra and "granny panties" (perverted internet creeper slang). Once we look at this we can verify that the woman is, in fact, in her underwear.

This brings us to the final part. How do we know for sure this is a photograph of Olympia Dukakis?

Recently, I was introduced to a woman named Cocoa Delicious and is she ever. She was a performer at the strip club my friend and Vice Presidential nomineee Chester Mann used to sleep behind. These two people will fill out my kitchen cabinet.

Cocoa Delicious worked as a confidential informant while she was a stripper. As such, she basically is a police detective along the lines of Sherlock Holmes due to her experience. So, I had her look at the photograph and told her what I believed it to be a photograph of. She smiled warmly, called me her "honey bear" and gave me a wonderful lap dance despite being in her sixties. Then she looked at the photograph and told me, "See here? Two travel posters in the background. One of Boston and the other of Greece. In 1977, Michael Dukakis was governor of Massachusetts and they are a Greek family."

And thus the final proof was found. This is in fact a photo of Olympia Dukakis in her underwear in 1977.

If you want to take a look, I can give you directions to my cabin outside of Utica. You will come there alone and I will show you the photograph. Alone. Please. Do not push your luck.

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