I hope you'd never understand

My name is Victor. Let me take you six months in past with me. I'm your average 26 year old boy-next-door. I'm employed by an advertising agency and earn a decent salary. On a typical work day I get up at 7:00 every morning and get ready for my office. I shave, take a shower, brush my teeth, and spend 8 hours working very sincerely in my office.

I'm also a talented writer and I also happen to sketch very well. I have a great sense of humor and dozens of friends.

Six months ago I met Sarah, a women who could not have been more perfect and who loves me deeply and with sincere commitment.

I drive a beautiful convertible car, and live in nice cozy 2 bedroom apartment in an upscale community.

And now, in another month or two, I'm going to take my own life.

It's not Cigarettes that are killing me, nor the booze. No, not AIDS, nor some form of Cancer. I'm dying because of something so simple sounding, you'd think I'm exaggerating. Numbness of my tongue and lips. Tastelessness.

It's hard to imagine but I voluntarily gave my sense of taste and sensation in my lower lips away. Bear with me while I rant. Not very long ago, I visited a dentist for casual checkup and was told that my Wisdom Teeth are not very well. They are growing horizontally and it'd be a good idea to have them extracted. It sounded a hassle free task that'd take an hour of simple operation and at most a week to completely recover.

During the operation, during removal of my right third molar, my lingual nerve was injured.

Today I suffer from a partially numb tongue which has no taste or sensation. All I have is constant burning in my tongue and steely constant pain in my jaw. I accidentally bite my tongue almost everyday without realizing. My lower lip has lost all its sensation as well and I'm completely numb there. You could burn my lower lip with cigarettes or cut it with a knife ... I wouldn't blink an eye.

I didn't even know something called "lingual nerve" exists in my body till a few months back, and today I miss it.

I can't kiss Sarah anymore. Even if I do, its feeling-less for me. Imagine sucking on a piece of raw meat ... yeah that's what it feels like now. I'll never be able to taste my Sarah again. I'll never be able to get rid of this constant pain in my jaws. Sarah cries when she looks at me. We both know I'm no good for her anymore, but we are both scared to face it.

When I think about it as an outsider - someone who's never experienced it - I find it tough to imagine that such a thing could ruin ones life.

I eat more painkillers than food; I don't shave anymore, because I don't even feel the razor moving on my chin. It's awkward and pains me terribly and randomly. Brushing my teeth feels like I'm hammering my lower jaw with all my might.

I've lost the will to work, or write, or do anything; not out of depression alone; I am incapable of doing it. When you are in my state, you can not. Imagine being drilled in your teeth 24/7. That's the kind of pain I have. And can you imagine tastelessness? Imagine having no sweetness or sourness to experience in rest of your life. Only bitterness, not on your tongue, but deep inside of you.

To understand my pain, you'll have to live through it. And guess what? I hope you'd never understand ...