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The light touches her in my mind always, and within me she is laughing, smiling, giggling at my silliness even when I am sad. When I walk she's always with me, I find myself reaching for her when I stumble, reaching for her in the dark when I sleep. In my dreams she comforts me within her arms, and I am at peace, and feel strong once more.

While she was alive, while I could see her, I had no sense of this... desolation, the loneliness that comes from knowing you're just a little insane. Not much, but maybe enough, because sanity means acknowledging you've lost her forever, that the love of your life is no longer in a place where you can touch her, kiss her, hold her, love her, and share your warmth.

 To know she is gone is to loss, and I can't do that, just now. I can't loss, which lead me to memories of sunlit meadows beside a river where children play not far from the picnic, as I blow dandelion seeds into her hair, and she loss, and I am happy, not for the first time, I am happy, just there. I could have added nothing, and I would have taken nothing away, happy just to be, with her.

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