I do.
Do you think that's
morbid? I don't think that's morbid.
Human anatomy is absolutely
weird and
fascinating and I am terribly
curious about the inner workings of my own personal
body. I do have a basic academic understanding of what I'd find were I able to open myself up for
inspection. I've seen dissected dead bodies in anatomy lab and they were very interesting indeed, but I still have this strong desire to see all of my own
organs and
muscles and
bones. I want to examine
objectively all of my physical make-up which I know only through
subjective sensation. I brought this up in
Chatterbox once and someone called me a
narcissist for it. Hmm... maybe that is true. I certainly would derive immense enjoyment from looking at all my
guts simply for the fact that they are
my guts. I'd want to touch them with no
surgical gloves on. I bet my
intestines are
slimy and
squishy. I wish such a thing as self-dissection were possible. In fact, it sort of pisses me off that I'll never ever be able to put myself on a
slab,
cut me open, and have a good look around.
I want to see every bit of me with my own eyes. I wonder what color all those cigarettes have rendered my
lungs. What do all my
scars look like from underneath the skin? Are there any
tumors or other
abnormalities inside me that I'm not aware of? I wonder how many wrinkles there are in my
brain. When I get headaches, I can sometimes feel the
pulse in my head; I wonder what all the veins look like in there. I want to see all my muscles and
cross-sections of my bones. I wonder what all my
adipose tissue looks like
under the skin. I wonder if seeing my
fat cells in all their
exposed glory would persuade me to exercise more. My knees always crack when I stand up;. I'd like to step outside myself for a while, open up my knees and check out exactly what is going on with the
joints in there.
What would be even
cooler than examining my own body on a slab, would be examining my own body on a slab while it is still 100%
alive and
functioning. To see my lungs breathing and my heart beating would be
amazing. I'd like to get
microscopic and inspect my
blood cells from close range as they're pumped throughout my body. I want to see my
digestive process in action. I want to see my muscles working to expel
menstrual blood. Or, even better than examining my living self on a slab: Examining me from the outside while still maintaining a subjective
connection with my body; feeling each part of me as I explored it all. I could
poke myself in the brain and see if it induced any interesting
reactions or
sensations. If a mere finger-poke didn't do much, I could try some
electrodes. I could flex my muscles while observing how they move.
It makes me
sad that I don't get to have any
up close and personal encounters with my own
viscera. I'd really like to compare how my body
feels to how my body
is. But,
alas, one cannot be the subject of a full body dissection without being dead and one can't conduct a full-body dissection of oneself without being alive; a
paradox that frustrates me to no end.