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I do.
Do you think that's morbid? I don't think that's morbid. Human anatomy is absolutely weird and fascinating and I am terribly curious about the inner workings of my own personal body. I do have a basic academic understanding of what I'd find were I able to open myself up for inspection. I've seen dissected dead bodies in anatomy lab and they were very interesting indeed, but I still have this strong desire to see all of my own organs and muscles and bones. I want to examine objectively all of my physical make-up which I know only through subjective sensation. I brought this up in Chatterbox once and someone called me a narcissist for it. Hmm... maybe that is true. I certainly would derive immense enjoyment from looking at all my guts simply for the fact that they are my guts. I'd want to touch them with no surgical gloves on. I bet my intestines are slimy and squishy. I wish such a thing as self-dissection were possible. In fact, it sort of pisses me off that I'll never ever be able to put myself on a slab, cut me open, and have a good look around.

I want to see every bit of me with my own eyes. I wonder what color all those cigarettes have rendered my lungs. What do all my scars look like from underneath the skin? Are there any tumors or other abnormalities inside me that I'm not aware of? I wonder how many wrinkles there are in my brain. When I get headaches, I can sometimes feel the pulse in my head; I wonder what all the veins look like in there. I want to see all my muscles and cross-sections of my bones. I wonder what all my adipose tissue looks like under the skin. I wonder if seeing my fat cells in all their exposed glory would persuade me to exercise more. My knees always crack when I stand up;. I'd like to step outside myself for a while, open up my knees and check out exactly what is going on with the joints in there.

What would be even cooler than examining my own body on a slab, would be examining my own body on a slab while it is still 100% alive and functioning. To see my lungs breathing and my heart beating would be amazing. I'd like to get microscopic and inspect my blood cells from close range as they're pumped throughout my body. I want to see my digestive process in action. I want to see my muscles working to expel menstrual blood. Or, even better than examining my living self on a slab: Examining me from the outside while still maintaining a subjective connection with my body; feeling each part of me as I explored it all. I could poke myself in the brain and see if it induced any interesting reactions or sensations. If a mere finger-poke didn't do much, I could try some electrodes. I could flex my muscles while observing how they move.

It makes me sad that I don't get to have any up close and personal encounters with my own viscera. I'd really like to compare how my body feels to how my body is. But, alas, one cannot be the subject of a full body dissection without being dead and one can't conduct a full-body dissection of oneself without being alive; a paradox that frustrates me to no end.

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