It really just figures. I sit down for a good time, figure I'll just fire up some old classics. Something tasteful, maybe, like the one with the nubile teenager's first time with her boyfriend. Or maybe something raunchy and nasty. Maybe wank off a few times and call it a night.

But when I turn on the pornograph, it only makes a few clicking noises, lets out a low noise that is almost, but not quite, like an orgasmic moan, and then the lights all go out and it just sits there. This thing is dead.

This is embarrassing, really. This is the third or fourth one I've bought recently. I think the conspiracy theories that they make them cheap are true. It gets delivered discreetly, wrapped up in its brown paper wrapping, but after that the box it comes in is really pretty obvious.

And when it breaks, you invariably have to ship it back to get a refund or a replacement.

Of course, this presents a problem, because now you have to ship it back in its original box - that's what the warranty says - and the whole entire neighborhood is going to see me dragging this pornograph down to the mail room to get wrapped up in brown paper so I can try to send it out without too much shame.

And without my pornograph, how am I supposed to masturbate?

This bites.

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