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Maybe you've decided you are finally done playing around with kids' stuff. Maybe you think you are ready to meet a truly eligible man with genuine manly qualities. Maybe you are just ready.

It is time to learn how you can successfully introduce yourself to the sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man. I think you are ready for this big step in your love life.

First, think of how good your body feels when you are approached on the street by a sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man. He's making a bee line directly towards you, and if I dare say it, directly towards your ass. That is what he wants. You know it. I know it. We know it. This is what the pundits like to call "shared knowledge."

You want to establish eye contact with the man in question (sexually aggressive, ninety-years-old). Mind the fact that he might need to adjust his eyeglasses to see you and he might have cataracts. Watch for his swollen blue and purple tongue sliding in and out of his mouth as he acts out a game he'd like to play privately with you in doing this. Watch it slither around between his lips. In and out it goes. Something special there. This is the kind of man you have waited your whole life to meet.

Approach him slowly. He likes to be in charge. This is something he will let you see in practice later when he takes you over his knee for a severe caning. That will be something to experience and you'll be able to tell your friends. They will squeal with girlish delight as girls always do when confronted with a swollen tongued, sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man.

Let him make the first move. He may be using a cane and may have a severely swollen prostate. You can come to terms with that later. His hands are now the issue as he introduces himself with some stale 1930s era witticism. You will begin to gag as he rolls out those tired old jokes and he keeps moving that tongue around. Oh, that garden snake is going in all of your crevices later. You can bet the farm on that right now. It is on.

"Hi, sir. My name is such-and-such and I would like to get to know you better. Intimately, if at all possible."

"My manhood is in full bloom, floozy. Come and give me a lap dance."

The appeal of the sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man is undeniable. No one will deny it. Ever. Under penalty of law. Learn the law. Follow the law. Be prosecuted by the law. You choose.

Once you have listened to his extremely tiresome attempts at comedy and lines your grandmother thought were tired back in her day, you are ready to take the next step. He is going to offer to take you to dinner at a smoky steakhouse where he drinks whiskey with his friends during the week while ass-grabbing ALL the staff and customers. No one will prosecute the ninety-year-old man. He puts those hands ANYWHERE he wants. He plays it so well in court. The judge always lets him go. You're getting laid tonight.

Off you go for dinner at the smokey 1970s era steakhouse, the kind of place gangsters hang out in. Then you go out dancing in a classy establishment where he gropes all the wait staff no matter what their gender or sexual interest area is. He does not care. He is ninety-years-old and sexually aggressive. And he can dance. He learned during World War II so he could subdue women and drag them behind the bandstand for something that was NEVER prosecuted in the 1950s. This is the man you want to spend a BIG chunk of your life with. Years, hopefully. It is what you want. You know it is. I will pray for you.

Your problem at this point is making sure he stays focused. The attention of the sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man is easily distracted. It isn't just tits and ass that will distract them. Betting on the ponies, the score of the ball game (for which they cannot identify the teams playing), or Nazi memorabilia will take them off subject. You have to keep his attention. Put his hands on your body. Beg him to grope you with his wrinkled, lizard-like skin. Oh yea, can you feel it? Those hands on your naked body? Great. So glad you could have that kind of experience. You look like you need it so bad. Such a sensation it must have been for you. I am under the impression that it is the same sensation as you get from eating a "York Peppermint Patty." And you'll be just as tasty to him as those cocktail franks he ate at that cookout at his friend Larry's house in 1964. His taste buds may have lost their power over the years, but as that swollen purple and black tongue traces wet lines across your body... you'll change. A lot.

You need to keep the man entertained and prevent him from being distracted, and to do that you will have to make him promises. But for now, you've introduced yourself and the rest is up to you.

Good luck and God bless.

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