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As world dictator, I will of course have amassed/embezzled a great amount of wealth. I will use some of this to create a power mechanical exoskeleton, a la Iron Man. I will also demand that all buildings be made entirely of brick, so that I may randomly bust in like the Kool-Aid man. (Drywall just doesn't seem as impressive, you know?)

I will outlaw politics. Already you can see how the world will be a better place. Um, a few obvious things, here. I'll need a royal harem, and a royal racecar stable. The harem will be full of tens, and I'm thinking the stable will have some of those W16s I saw in a magazine one time. I will legalize research into cloning and stem cell research, both to prolong my own longevity and ensure that I always have an heir. My royal scientists will also research new party drugs. I'm having trouble thinking of anything more important, but this reminds me that I'll need some royal artwork in my image.

Statues are a clear first step. They should be made of something futuristic but also needlessly expensive, and of course extremely durable. Looking at prices today, it appears it should be an alloy of platinum, rhodium, rhenium, and maybe osmium. For extra protection and spacey-lookingness, my statues may be encased in plastic. I will also need royal paintings of myself, so I don't forget what I look like, especially as a badass viking doing badass viking/world dictator stuff. There should also be at least one depiction of me looking up from a heavy tome, and ripping off my glasses dramatically, while giving an intense look at the picture plane. This has never happened in real life, as unfortunately I have perfect vision.

So, what will I do for you, the little people? Well, clearly, there will be many new employment opportunities. And think of it this way. If I'm the one and only world leader, then I can have whatever I want, anyway. There's not really a need to hoard the wealth. You'll probably all be better off than you were before. You're welcome. How you enjoying that new-found solvency, third world citizens? And hey, check it out, no more wars. That's right. And all I ask in return is ridiculous perks and a few new laws that all reasonable people should agree with. So, okay, how's this one? Ownership of a mustache will require a license. I won't ask you to pay dues, or even fill out paperwork after the initial request, but all applicants will be screened. If I personally judge the mustache to look like someone has smeared shit across your face, then you will be declined. If I find that it enriches the whole world, like say, Tom Selleck's mustache, then you will be paid a small salary for your contribution to culture. Not enough to live on, mind you; you are definitely strongly encouraged to seek meaningful employment.

The sciences will thrive under my rule as you have already seen. I have nothing against playing God, and I think it is actually pretty funny. Imagine you were a kid, just about to engage in some roleplay scenario. This girl said, "Let's play 'house'!" and then you said, "No, let's play GOD!" Anything after that would have to be awesome. Maybe you resuscitated a hamster, or spliced fish DNA into tomatoes, or made miniature black holes, depending on your neighborhood and resources. The point is, I will fund the hell out of science. Here's an example that will help you out right now. There are electric cars that do not look like wussy pieces of shit. Rich people drive them. Or own them at least. Mercedes-Benz is making electrics with over 500 horsepower and a top speed of 165 mph (it's kind of heavy). By the time I've even half-initiated a coup, people are going to own those. But as of now, those people are going to be stupidly rich and hand-picked by Mercedes. Hand-picked! No lotto winners, lucky gamblers, or amazingly well-traveled prostitutes. Just old rich bastards.

"Now, wait, RoboQuote," you might say. "Are you campaigning as a communist? (or socialist or Marxist (my education was shitty and confusing, thanks a lot!))" No. I am an independent. However, I will try to incorporate some of the better ideas of my opponents, as is custom. For one thing, I want my face on lots of propaganda posters. Also, royal vodka stills. I'd like to see a lot more red, too. You can keep your capitalism, I suppose, as long as it no longer applies to me. If you look on my joy and my riches and begin to covet what I have, then tell me, and we will abolish exchange. Do not be confused and think that it is time for another uprising. In any case, my powerful robot guards and the horrific mutant beasts that my scientists have perfected will make short work of all opposition. It would be a foolish and meaningless suicide.

Okay, I want to wrap this up quickly, and this has been sort of aimless so far, so I'm going to outline first, a few more of the things I require, second, more of my laws, and finally, what else I will do for you.

I need:

  • Royal robes. At least one should be an awesome kingly robe, like King Charles II. In addition, some kind of awesome future leader duds, invented by a team of fashion scientists to wick away sweat, inhibit odor, and be slimming.
  • Many awesome weapons. Guns, of course. Awesome plasma guns with so little kick that I could hold one with my pinky. Guns that leave exit wounds the size of a barn. Also mecha. Several different models of mecha. You got your Gundam, your megadeus, your Matrix-style armor-thing. Angels are out. Maybe that shit from Eureka 7. That was a pretty good show when it started out, but the writing really took a dive. I mean, on and on and on with this "John loves Yoko" crap. Really, I bet it was so hard. I mean, the artists had to keep working I guess. That stayed pretty good. They were probably in Korea, though, maybe made a few peanuts.
  • Cars. I said that, right? Cars. Also, lessons. Enough to qualify me as a stunt driver and a race car driver. And a private track. I don't want all those horses to get cramped or anything. It's not like I just stare at that beautiful chassis and blow my load. I want to hear that thing purr, too. This is about mutualism.
  • Women. Not to really objectify anyone or anything, but when you're the fucking leader, it's pretty much required. Don't take it personally, ladies. As soon as I am leader, every single being on this Earth becomes an object. I don't think this will be a very difficult clause to fulfill. World dictator will attract a lot of power-seekers. All grubbing for my sweet status. That's okay, we know what this is. You're here for the power, I'm here for your awesome bodies.
  • Tech. I am privy to all technology first. I don't give a shit about Apple, so don't worry there. I'll just get it a few years earlier when Nokia invents it. Also, as I've said, I have robot guards and mech suits. I don't know what else you could possibly ask for.
  • Booze. The royal bar will be the absolute sweetest hangout. Any drink I want mixed, the bartenders can mix. That means that whatever drink you want mixed, they can easily handle. Unless it includes brandy or cognac, which I will not stock. And if you want wine, go somewhere else.
  • Hovercraft. Uh, yeah? Totally awesome! Tell me this man isn't having fun.
  • Other stuff. Obviously I'll have whims. Just anything I get a fancy for in the middle of the night. Maybe I want a slice of Hawaiian pizza, with a stuffed crust and extra sauce. Maybe I want to see two people fight to the death bare-knuckle, expiring slowly in a pool of their own sweat, blood, and vomit. Maybe I want an emergency conference with aliens, let them know everything's gone according to plan, we handed out the flu shots, etc., etc.
Laws:
  • The concept of "high concept" movies is outlawed.
  • No song should have more than one day of production, including recording and engineering, but not mastering.
  • Every depiction of the glorious leader should be more ripped and sexy than the last.
  • Stereotypes are outlawed. Those fucking stupid bigots with their low brow ridges and broad shoulders and foul-smelling prostates. I hate those stereotype-propagating, wingtip-wearing, cigar-smoking sons of bitches.
  • Facial hair requires a license. Neckbeards will be effectively outlawed, but the first person to sport one that I deem worthy will have his very own bust sculpted by my very best.
  • Some other thing I already said.
  • It will now be legal to bury people in your backyard. It will also be legal to kill for revenge, but only after the proper paperwork has been processed. Failure to comply will result in termination, much the same as in the old legal system. Except now it sounds future-y.
  • All TV stations can show any content. No holds barred. Sex, violence, and blood orgies.
  • The FCC will of course, be dismantled. I will limit greatly the power of the RIAA.
  • Some regulations will be added to the mob. They shouldn't just be able to run things unchecked; that's my job. However, I take no offense to their existence in general, as they have done some good work. Thanks for booze, guys!
  • Architecture should be of a certain quality, or else development shouldn't even happen. We don't need townhouses that look shittier than projects, where there's probably places in Europe where people sleep in old castles. Sure, the castles are likely much more haunted and filled with strange molds. But at least they aren't eyesores.
  • Rev up the space program. We're going to Mars my first year in power. By the third year, maybe that next planet. We need a space station, too. Why did that never happen?
  • Celery is illegal. Everything containing celery, celery salt, or celery derivatives will be outlawed until the celery is removed. Especially Old Bay.
  • The minimal drinking age is now eighteen. This means that by eighteen years of age you are required to have tried alcohol. It is legal to try at as young as eight months, however. Standardized tests will also be administered to ensure that a few basic cocktails are understood, and to ensure that the citizens can distinguish the common styles of ale.
  • Euthanasia is legalized for old people. So is mercy killing, but that's a separate issue. The difference is that "mercy killing" will require the consent of the killee. "Old people" is an inexact term for a reason, as some people are reasonably cool in their far advanced years, and I would exhaust myself giving them all pardons. But there are some under the age of 50 who must be euthanized.
This, again, is a mere sample of what is to come, and I will likely think of new laws in the middle of the night, maybe while waking from a fevered delirium. Sometimes I spout nonsense when I am in these states, but it will be up to my research department to carefully analyze what I say and write it into the appropriate laws. Now, the final leg of our journey. What can I do for you? Well, look above, dear citizen. Do you like what you see? You'd be crazy not to, and I might decide to outlaw insanity, so you don't really want to do that. But hey, I'll sweeten the pot. How about if hovercraft is the main means of transport for everyone in ten years? I mean sure, they're a bit slower than cars, but they're pretty awesome, and they're kind of like having a flying car, albeit a really slow one. But you can just blast the stereo, lay back and chill. Enjoy the ride. Plus, since they're like giant, slow-moving bumper cars, you can be totally stoned while you drive. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah, hang on.

Yeah in fact, whatever drug I say is legal is legal. If I decide mescaline is safe for mass consumption, then I'll spread the savings on to you. Also, as I said, my mad scientists will invent new party drugs, so the variety is going to literally blow your mind.

You like TV? I'll put the Internet on the TV. And not just a bunch of fucking cats and retards bumping their knee and random bullshit like that. You're going to see real content made by people that actually give a fuck. Channel 101 is going to be a real channel. On the TV. The best of Newgrounds will get a channel, too. Random content around the web, too. There'll be a whole cluster of stations, of which at least three will be dedicated to indie-created videos and animations, and at least a hundred will be increasingly sick flavors of porn.

Send suggestions to my royal mail-sorters (who will reside a continent away from me in case anything is laced with anthrax or explosives) and they may be realized. Do you want a brand new car? Done. A PhD? Done and done. True love? Fill out the application, and I'll take a look at you. I mean, check it out, I'm Santa Claus. Don't you want the world run by Santa Claus?

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