WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD! I'M SO BAD, I SHOULD BE IN DETENTION! I'M THE MAAAAAAN!
Title: Tragic Kingdom
Release Date: January 2003
Writer: Joe KellyPencillers: Doug Mahnke,
Yvel Guichet,
Darryl Banks, and
Dietrich SmithInkers: Tom Nguyen,
Mark Propst,
Wayne Faucher, and
Sean ParsonsJLA Members: Superman,
Batman,
Wonder Woman,
Green Lantern,
the Martian Manhunter,
the Flash,
Aquaman,
Nightwing,
the Atom,
Green Arrow,
Firestorm,
Hawkgirl,
Faith,
Major Disaster,
Jason Blood, and
Etrigan.
Guest Stars: Manitou Raven,
Zatanna,
the Golem,
Tezumak,
Tempest, and
Mera.
Bad Guys: Gamemnae.
So what happens?Oh, boy! It's an
epic! It's a
time travel epic! You know what that means, right? Time to stock up on the
gin and valium!
We start out with a short history of Gamemnae in ancient Atlantis, from a shunned and abandoned
infant (Gamemnae's a blonde, and Atlanteans really hate blondes) to a sorceress raising
Atlantis up to the surface to a power-mad betrayer absorbing the powers of the Atlantean League. But Manitou Raven is able, with the help of the spirits of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, and Martian Manhunter (Hey, where's Plastic Man?), to cast a
containment spell that will keep Gamemnae imprisoned in Atlantis for 3,000 years.
Meanwhile, in the present, almost all of the
water on Earth has disappeared, fires are raging out of control, and people are starting to die of
thirst. The only way to get water is for the Earth to surrender to Gamemnae. But plans to stop her are afoot! The replacement JLA -- Nightwing, the Atom, Green Arrow, Firestorm, Hawkgirl, and Faith -- have joined forces with Zatanna, the incredibly
ancient Manitou Raven, and the
ghost of Green Lantern. The spirits of the regular JLA are being stored inside GL's disembodied
heart, and it's decided that the best way to take Gamemnae down will be for the replacement JLA to return to the past, kick Gamemnae's ass, and sink Atlantis again. (Of course, if they do that, then there won't be any threat in the present, so there'll be no use to go to the past, so Gamemnae will survive to the present, so they'll have to go to the past, then she won't be any threat in the present --
Oh, crap! Now I'm my own grampaw!)
Anyway, someone needs to distract Gamemnae in the present so the present JLA can travel to the past (mmm,
gin). Gamemnae's
Quagmire spell can absorb any living thing, but what about
dead things? So Manitou Raven stuffs the spirits of the JLA into the only available containers -- their own millennia-dead bodies. So Gamemnae finds herself being attacked by a
skeletal Superman, a
mummified Martian Manhunter, a
zombie Flash (running on legs that are literally formed of
lightning), a Wonder Woman made of cracked and crumbling
clay, and an empty Batman costume. Green Lantern has to stay behind and guard his heart. (And where's
Plastic Man, dammit!)
While the zombies keep Gamemnae occupied, the replacement JLA travels back into the past, leaving Green Arrow, Faith, and the Atom behind to help
guard Manitou Raven.
Okay, so now we're in the past with the replacement JLA and younger versions of Manitou Raven and Gamemnae (ah, yes, I'll have that
valium now). Zatanna realizes that Aquaman has been turned into a
water wraith and the pool he's been in is a magical trap designed to hold water wraiths
prisoner. But before anyone can figure out how to free him, Gamemnae discovers them and attacks.
Meanwhile, in the present with the zombie JLA and older versions of Gamemnae and Manitou Raven (another sip of gin, thanks), Gamemnae figures out that the way to kill the
undead is to bring them back to life and then kill them again, which is actually what the League wanted anyway ('cause it sucks being
dead, ya know). But with the JLA's spirits released, Kyle's heart dissolves and Kyle's ghost disappears. Aww, he's dead forever now. Right? Right? Whatever. (And where the fuck is
Plastic Man already?!?) And Jason Blood, marooned inside Gamemnae's Quagmire spell, finally releases Etrigan the Demon, who bursts messily out of Gamemnae and starts busting the bitch up and breaking her Quagmire spell apart.
Scoot back to the past (just a bit more gin, thanks), where Firestorm carves a
canal from Aquaman's pool to the ocean, allowing him to escape into the sea and turn the entire
ocean into his body. Aquaman is major-league pissed, and he's going to sink Atlantis back below the waves. Mere minutes remain to evacuate the Atlanteans from the present back through the time portal...
Back in the present (that valium's wearing off, better have another), Gamemnae knows she's getting beat, so in a fit of pique, she starts upsetting the planet's
orbit. To prevent that, Manitou Raven magicks Wonder Woman's
lasso so that it will be long enough to
wrap around the earth several times like a giant damn net allowing Wondy, Superman, and Martian Manhunter to
drag the planet back to its proper orbit. (Jesus! What the hell is it with this superteam dragging moons and planets around? I'm gonna have to switch over to
vodka...) And to lay a little more smackdown on Gamemnae, Manitou Raven shouts "
Inukchuk!" and grows to
immense size (Hellzapoppin! Just like
Apache Chief in the old "
Superfriends" cartoon?!? I'm switching to
Everclear...).
AND the Atom has Green Arrow shoot him into Gamemnae, where he is able to extract Tempest and Major Disaster (hey, great, Major Disaster spent the whole adventure doing exactly
nothing) and he's able to avoid being absorbed because
magic doesn't work on things that are very, very tiny (bottle of
cough syrup, heroin injected into eyes,
hammers smashed into own face).
And after that, Gamemnae dies, all of the replacement JLA make it back into the present, all the water comes back, Green Lantern magically comes back to life (How? It's
MAGIC, DAMMIT!), and a much-younger Manitou Raven shows up with some random
Indian babe and asks if he can hang out. Oh, and Aquaman changes back into his regular, non-watery body. (How? It's MAGIC, DAMMIT!) And even though he saved all of the Atlanteans from
slavery in the distant past, now they're all mad at him for sinking Atlantis and wanna throw him out or execute him (Important Lesson: Do not FUCK with
nitrogen narcosis). And where the fiery flaming fuck has
Plastic Man been? Apparently, he didn't get killed and is
still alive somewhere.
Buh? Somebody get me my
Staff of Wounding. And my gin.
Cool Moments!The
Justice League of Zombies was
way cool; numerous panels of the watery,
Godzilla-sized Aquaman looming over Atlantis are pretty damn impressive; oh, alright, the Manitou Raven/Apache Chief connection was kinda fun; after it's all over, Nightwing
bearhugs Batman, who's all "Gaah! Human contact!" Haw Haw!; Okay, it was all plenty
exciting, but stuff got way too stretched beyond belief for me. And Plastic Man didn't show up at all! Those punks better not go fuckin' with my boy Plas...
Cool Quotes!Firestorm to Manitou Raven, after seeing the zombies: "I didn't think it was possible... but you actually made Batman
scarier."
Etrigan, while picking Gamemnae apart, telling why Jason Blood avoids summoning him: "Give o'er your secrets, to one your Master... And I'll bring Hell to Earth that much faster."
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