Jane's Krazy Mixed-Up Salt

I normally don't endorse anything that uses a "k" instead of a "c" for heightened brand kuteness, but there's an exception to every rule - and Jane's Krazy Mixed-Up Salt is too damn good to ignore, especially now that it's summertime and the produce-finding is easy.

Unlike regular (sane?) seasoned salt, Krazy Mixed-Up Salt has no paprika in it, and that makes a world of difference in terms of range of use. Regular seasoning salt has a saturnine character, lethargic and brownish in temperament. Krazy Mixed-Up Salt has a bright amplitude and fresh taste that goes perfectly with summer vegetables.

What's in it?
As the Kabbalists say, fortunate is he who knows. I sure don't, and reading the label only gets you so far: "salt, herbs and spices, dehydrated onion, dehydrated garlic." Despite this helpful information, your chances of ending up with Jane's Original Mixed-Up Salt by throwing salt, herbs and spices, and crystallized onion and garlic together in a bowl are about as good as your chances of duplicating Leonardo's anatomical sketches while you're doodling and talking on the phone. It's not going to happen. Fortunately, it seems reasonably ubiquitous in all parts of the U.S., and has a loyal following despite a complete lack of advertising etc.

Where does it come from?
Deep in the backwoods of South Carolina is a larval zaibatsu known to outsiders as FLAVOR DELITE. This unassuming company concocts the Krazy Salt from a recipe given to them by an eldritch woodland dame named Jane, in exchange for the firstborn children of every member of the Board of Directors. They are sworn to absolute secrecy in regard to the precise contents of the Krazy Mixed Up Salt, and understand that if they divulge it she will return to their boardroom with a team of rogue Benihana knife-artists and a bad attitude. This doesn't keep the Board of Directors up late nights, as they have no intention of sharing the recipe with anyone - not even Larry, their beloved mascot Golden Retriever. Why? Because they are patient. They understand the supremely addictive nature of their product. There is nothing in it that would currently raise the digital eyebrows of a gas spectromatograph. Not currently. But one day, right before the invasion from the stars is scheduled to begin, there will be. And when they arrive, we will be nicely seasoned from within, just like sheep who graze on the salt-marshes of Normandy. Oh yes.

But don't let that stop you, really. Life is too short, the Krazy Salt is too good, and there's pretty much nothing you can do about it if an invading fleet of tentacle monsters is coming to eat your liver with xenoproduce.

Ultra-Simple Recipes:

Cucumber Salad

Ingredients:

Cut cucumber in half length-wise, and deseed with the back of a teaspoon. Then slice very thinly (a mandoline is a lovely thing). Slice sweet onion into very thin slices as well - thin enough to read through if possible. Toss cucumbers and onions with a generous quantity of vinegar, and sprinkle liberally with Krazy Salt. Let chill for a bit, and then enjoy. This salad will keep for a long time and just gets better every day. You can refresh it with new slices of cucumber and fresh vinegar when you start to run low (as long as you're not eating out of the container and leaving weird bacteria behind, you can do this almost indefinitely).

Delicious Simple Potato Salad

Ingredients:

Steam or boil potatoes, rinse, cut into halves or quarters, toss with olive oil and lemon juice, and season with Krazy Salt. I like to incorporate equal parts lightly steamed asparagus and slices of raw sweet red pepper with this salad, YMMV.

Crostini with Chevre, Fresh Tomato, and Basil

Ingredients:

Cut tomatoes in half and then slice to preferred thickness. Chop up a handful of basil and then crush it in your hands until its aroma is released. Toss basil and tomatoes with white balsamic vinegar and season with KMS. Set aside (preferably for awhile, to let the basil do its thing). Pour a measure of olive oil into a tea saucer, and shake a bit of KMS into that. Stir with finger. If no-one is looking, well. You know. Heat broiler. Slice baguette(s) into inch-thick slices. Dip one side of each piece into olive oil and then set on baking sheet, broil until nice and crisp. Repeat with other side, but only until it's golden and chewy. Spread goat cheese on that side of each piece. Top with slice of tomato and a bit of basil if you're serving a party. If it's you and a friend, you can line bowls with the crostini and just spoon tomato salad over them that way. This dish goes really, really well with Rolling Rock beer.

Easy salad dressing

Enjoy the flavor of those farmer's market lettuces - toss olive oil, white balsamic, and Jane's together, maybe with a spritz of lemon juice if you have one around.