January 19, 2008

On Queefing, and the etiquette it demands

I found this thread on another site (obvs., as E2 doesn't have threads), and I cherry-picked some comments because they were too fucking funny to lose.

I sent these in an email to a guy I'm seeing.

Dear You,

the comments here amused me no end. Women tell THE BEST sex stories, because men are all like, "Yeah, she had nice tits" and women are all, "Let me let you right up in my business". FOR EXAMPLE:

1. Agreed with the laughing! My boyfriend not only finds it kind of hilarious, but freely admits that it's his fault for stuffing air up there with his junk anyway.

2. I am not embarassed by the actual queef; I' m just afraid they'll think I'm farting! That's why my bediquette when it happens is to loudly go, "That was my VAGINA, you know." Sexy, right?

3. When I was in high school, I was teamed up with an incredibly hot Junior Olympic athlete in gym class. He and I were ultra-competitive and flirted madly in every physical situation we were in (dodgeball, field hockey, badminton, everything) always trying to one-up each other. Anyway, I used to do a lot of situps and discovered that, sometimes when I was on my period, a gassy sound would trumpet from my vagina when I cruched my abdominal muscles. Since we were prepping for the Presidential fitness test, Mr. JOA was my partner and would hold my feet down when I did situps and count my pushups, etc. I decided to reveal my fear to my mom (that this would happen in his FACE) and ask her for advice. The first thing I asked is, what is this expelling of air CALLED, assuming she would know the medical nomenclature (she usually does). She thought it over for a minute and said, "I don't know, a pussyfart?"

I was so mortified. That conversation was over and I had to go hide in my bedroom for three hours to recover.

4. We usually just laugh it off and get right back into it, but the first time I queefed during sex with my boyfriend (it was still early in the relationship) we were both laughing way too hard to continue, but we were both totally ok with it.

Oh, and once I definitely queefed while standing up at my desk at work. And I had headphones on, so I couldn't tell how loud it was, but I definitely got a few weird looks from neighboring cubicles.

Once, my cousin wanted to know if guys could queef. She then proceeded to crack herself up visualizing it, because she said a dick with a queef coming out would look like "a snake eating a mouse."

And I just realized, I have WAY too many anectdotes about queefing.

5. I'm going to have to play the race card now, because this is only weird for white people. For Black people this is known as "She's talking to you, baby."

6. At some point I was on NuvaRing, which increased it for some reason, and me and the hubs methodically explored all the positions to determine which ones were the noisier. That was a very fun day.

7. Mine, too. He's usuallly quite proud when it happens. He sees it as a 'compliments to the chef' type thing. A coochie belch, if you will.

8a. What about when the queef DOESN'T come out so you keep fucking with that weird pocket of air in there and it's like fwup fwup fwup baby queefs.

8b. My god, yes, it's like being filled by a bicycle pump.

9. If a guy gets grossed out by it, he obviously hasn't had enough sex to realize it's completely normal.

Or he has boring sex.

10. My vagina speaks!

IT COMMANDS YOU...ppfffpwwhhhhpppoophffwwwettt....pphhooot

11. have to queef? moan louder. works for me.

12. Most of my partners have been very proud of themselves when the queef sounds. My present BF gets sooo proud of his manly sexing that I swear at times I think he is going to start pounding his chest...a la Tarzan!!!! Love it!!!!!!!!!!!!

13. One night while very intoxicated I told my best girl friend and my best gay boyfriend about the first time I had strap-on sex and queefed, which caused me to laugh so hard that I queefed which in turn led to my D&D-ish nickname, Queef, the pepperpants. They ended up with nicknames too - Fucktar, the Dildophonic and Quimm (which we decided was the name for the butt sex queef, as it was not techinically a fart) the shitlicker. So there's that.

14. I never knew about queefs until it happened to me with my very first boyfriend/sex partner. It happened twice in a time span of two weeks and I was seriously humiliated and freaked out, thinking I had a deformed vajesus. But he was totally cool about it and just laughed every time, reminding me that it wasn't gross, and the fact that my vagina could produce miniature tuba sounds was just funny. It became almost a running joke between us, so much so that we temporarily named my vag "Queen Laqueefa." Guess who wasn't embarrassed about it anymore.

15. I prefer to refer to it as "a visit from Queefer Sutherland". That crazy rascal is out of jail again.

16. Y'all, I am dying. I'm surprised my coworkers haven't come over to see what the choking-like sound of my silent laugher is coming from.

There is nothing like awesome sex to give me the queefs. There is also nothing like awesome sex to give me the giggles. And there is nothing like a good queef to give me the giggles. So I'm a giggly mess after sex.

I used to tell my boyfriend that a queef was my pussy's way of saying, "Thank you." Now he just responds to queefs with a "You're welcome" pointed at my lady bits and then references the time he was giving me oral and I queefed in his face for, like, five minutes.

17. I've had the exact same thing happen to me going from shoulderstand to plow pose. Thank god I live in Montana and it's all just a bunch of queefing-is-a-beautiful-female-experience crunchies who do yoga out here. Love them hippies.

18. I have never told his story, because I was always too embarrassed, but when I was in high school I had a friend and we could both do it on command. I would just kind of suck in air and then blow it out. She had to lay on her side and open and close her legs really fast. We would do until we had to stop because our stomachs hurt from laughing too much. I can't even imagine how dumb we looked.

19. ah that was the quasi-related type of story I was going to share. I recently had shower sex for the fist time (I used to be totally opposed because it seemed stupid, sometimes faux-sensual and also I guess potentially fatal, I don't know). So a weird sound starts up and eventually the guy asks, "what was that weird noise?"

I was like, dude, the water washed away the natural lube so things aren't going quite as smoothly down there.

This guy is no virgin so I'm kind of shocked he couldn't put 2 and 2 together. Now I'm worried I may have to explain queefs to him one day, in which case I think I'll first grab my shoe and knock his head about first. I mean the boy is 28.

20. I queefed the first time with the boy I really liked. he laughed. I laughed. and I did marry him.

21. I am laughing so hard I just woke the fetus - sweet fancy moses did I need this thread! And I, too, giggle madly and shriek "That was my PUSSY!" My husband thinks it is awesome and hilarious.

22. If a dude doesn't laugh at a queef he doesn't deserve you fucking him! Now talk about embarrasing, the first time I had anal sex I was very self concious as it is, and damn if when he pulled out that an involunatry fart just totally exited along with his dick. I was mortified, but then we both started laughing and it was all good.

I say if you're going to be initmate you need to get used to sounds & smells, and the random pube in your mouth.

23. It's the yoga queefs that get me. Pretty much any inversion and my vadge feels the need to speak her dissent. Or maybe it's a sigh of contentment. Hard to tell. I really should try getting to know her better.

...and from a guy:

Few things are as sexy as when a woman deftly plays off what would be outrageously embarrassing to many.

I usually ignore it and bring it up after the sex is over. It's funnier that way and I'm not the kind of person that likes to take a break when he is doing the kind of top-notch fucking that leads to the queef. I'm in what I like to call my "Fuck Zone". This is where I'm so interested in the task at hand that I forget about all pressing issues, like having my heart rate accelerate over 200 bpm, queefs, and how certain I am that her neighbors can hear us.

Vadge is always endearing when being a little daffy. Like Tina Fey in 30 Rock.

(Recipient Of Email), if things don't work out with us, I'm dating that guy, OK?

/end communication

Granted - it's Friday night and I'm 2600 miles away from the place I'd like to be, so that makes me susceptible to hysterical giggling fits, but I am serious when I say I laughed so hard at these comments that I about damn near pissed myself. If men didn't have peens I would SO BE A LESBIAN. Because women - damn.

And Jesus H. Marvin Christ - where were we all before the internets made us aware that there's a common human experience in which we are all only SLIGHTLY freakish?

The bar has officially been raised. My work here is done.