January 8, 2000

what happened yesterday? / what will happen tomorrow?

Saw Ryan in the store. A bookshelf was between us and all I could tell was his beard was neater than usual. Turns out he's in a gray suit, and shoes even, a change. Best of all he looks rested, alert. The phrase "my wife" still makes him visibly happy - I like that.

Well, going from the stroke of midnight, I was on my way to a very drunken (but not debauched) night. First, just a single beer, and later, about 2/3 of a bottle of wine (Bonny Doon Vinyards, Pacific Rim Riesling - a great sweet citrusy chick wine) and then I started tugging on a bottle of Canadian Club. I remember acting very stupid, knowing I was acting stupid, and not really caring. Then I fell asleep and woke up with a massive hangover - one that seemed to last for almost two days.

Later that day, I learned the hard way that the old folk wisdom 'The Hair of The Dog', i.e. drink some more, you'll feel better, does not work for me.

Four Advil later, I'm feeling as good as can be expected. I go visit one G. Harris, and end up accompanying her, her boyfriend A., her roommate, and a miscellaneous friend named M. to a nice, out-of-the-way Tex-Mex restaurant called Los Dos Amigos. Before we order our food, two men (one armed with a guitar, one with various handheld percussion instruments) walk over to our table. They were going to serenade us, simply because we were the rowdiest table in the place. Apparently, they decided we were the rowdiest because the aforementioned G. Harris had peacock-colored hair. And so they crooned a (well-done, methought) rendition of Jimmy Buffett's classic singalong, 'Margaritaville', in two-part harmony. G. was given a plastic easter egg (same color as her hair) to shake in time with the music, which she accomplished with aplomb. We tried very, very hard not to break down laughing throughout the entire experience. The best part was the extended tambourine solo - indescribable. That made my day.

The day ended with groceries and movie-watching. Today, it was a good day.

That night, I slept with a big fluffy orange kitty named Tugger on my head. That just made things even better, except when Tugger visited the litter box, and then returned to my head. He draped a smelly paw extravagantly across my nose. But it was still a good day.

i sat in a red roof inn in Fort Wayne, IN, with 3 good friends: two had driven up from their home in bloomington, IN, with their beagle-shelty; the third had sat in the passenger seat whilst i drove down from MI. Fort Wayne was in the middle.

adjacent to our hotel was a "showgirls I" establishment, apparently first in a series of II and III stripper bars (we saw the III, and the little shuttle bus that went between them (ferrying strippers or patrons? who can say?)). there were an astonishing number of such joints in the vicinity. or maybe i just lead a sheltered life here under the eaves of the university of michigan.

we played, among others, the very clever pipe game, parts unknown (both of cheapass games (the domain name is as you would expect)), cosmic encounter (anyone in this sector play? please please please?), and durak (a russian card game i learnt whilst there). we ate stale-ish doughnoughts. we had indian food that gave me hiccups but i didn't think were nearly spicy enough. we waxed absurd.

we never turned on the tv in the room.

I remember when left was left, and right was right. For the first time in a long time, I feel like dying. I love my life, but hate it all the same.

I don't get it anymore. I just want to cry. I can't even do that. I cried on New Year's eve, but.. I needed a lot of liquor to do that. Same with after Gameworks. I love the people in my life, but sometimes it is so hard. It hurts so much. To watch beautiful creatures self-destruct. I don't know. Fuck.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go insane, I want to loose it, I want to break under the pressure. I can't hurt those I love though, too many of them are leaning on me to break.

I feel so helpless, I don't know what to do. I used to curse my apathy, now I curse my awareness. Why me? I don't know why not either. Zen.. heh.

All the beautiful memories and feelings and love it has brought me.. my emotional openness, and perception.. I have had pain and sorrow. I am not saying it isn't fair, I just don't know if I can keep going on like this.