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The last day of 6th grade, 4½ years ago. Kalen Meine and I are pals. Kalen Meine stole me from my friends, I didn’t know. He had me under his manipulation. 4½ years ago, we did an awful thing. Our teacher was leaving. I liked her. NO, Kalen didn’t, so I didn’t? There was a box 4½ years ago. One of the parents made it. We were supposed to write notes of how much we will miss her. 4 ½ years ago Kalen had us write bad things. Horrible things. Irresponsible, shortsighted

STOP
That’s enough.

4½ years ago she read the notes at school, in front of all of us. Not at home like Kalen the almighty said. 4½ years ago She read all but ours out loud, for ours she looked at him and I, and for mine she said “Thank you, Steve.” .

I died 4½ years ago.


Today I study for Finals. I’m studying, I’m OK. He Instant Messages me. I don’t know him. He drops hints, I figure it out.
I am stunned.
I respond to his small talk, surreal. He hunted me down with google. I loathe him even more, his innocent small talk is just a mask. He thinks I still can’t see through it. I do and it hurts even more.

I can’t forgive the bastard. I could forgive myself for 4½ years, I don’t know if I do now.

Four and One-Half years ago...

Today has been an alltogether shitty day.

I got kicked out of Math111 (Calculus), and Chemistry 112. I was forced to replace it with Political Science which, while enjoyable, is useless for the degree I'm working on.
In Computer Science, we're forced to learn Java. I'm a C++ programmer (I've even taken the lengths of learning DirectX and OpenGL, and I've applied at a few games companies in town). A bit of a pain in the ass, and it'll mess up both sets of code for a while.
And I did it again. I fell in love with one of my friends. I'm usually pretty asexual, but I seem to have a penchant for falling for my friends.
This time, I was even going to ask her out, but the day before I was going to, some other guy beat me to it. He beat me by a day.

Anyways, sorry for the teen-angst bullshit... I just needed somewhere to write my thoughts down.

I have got a cold, it is horrible. I always get one at the beginning of January and it does not go away until Hayfever season starts (the end of March, generally). The drug and tissue companies love me.

But life goes on, Christmas was good, the first time I have been able to get away from work and relax in over two years - running your own company is very very very very hard work. My last holiday was in my first year at University, 4 years ago so the two weeks over Christmas were a welcome break.

Now I am back at work, the snow has melted (except for the dirty black lumps where the snowploughs pushed the ice), and I am really rather ill. God I sound depressing.

Well, in order to prevent this from being a.n. other depressing daylog (something I vowed I would never write), here are some happy things that happened to me over Christmas:

  • I got given a new (well, new to me) camera and lots of lenses
  • I went on a random road trip to visit friends in the snow
  • I finally managed to find everyone christmas presents I was happy with, despite having very little money
  • I saw two awesome films, Lord of the Rings and Withnail and I
  • I completed Tony Hawk 3
As I said, I had a rather boring Christmas, but it was relaxing :)

woke up this morning and I got myself a beer, the future's uncertain and the end is always near.

Just about time to have my daily one smoke. I am eating the bran muffin that I always eat at 10:20, then I go down stairs for a smoke. I have a bag of peanuts to feed the squirrels who hang out down there, and I plan on checking to see if the rats have reopened the tunnels under the tree that I have been studiously collapsing and blocking with stones.

I am a bit sore from my workout yesterday, tho not as sore as I would like to be. The gym was incredibly croweded with new year's resolutioneers. I try to be nice and give them props for coming to the gym, but they forget to wipe down the machines, they hog the equipment and they bump into me all the time.

    This is what I did
  1. Squats 55x10/2 (yep squats are increasing nicely, still having some form problems so I believe I will keep this weight for some time)
  2. Lying leg curls 140x10/2 (had to work in my sets with a new years girl, not so bad but its weird, I just want to do my sets and leave, and its hard to convince them to let me do a drop set.)
  3. Standing Calf stand 225x10/2
  4. Seated Calf raise 135x10/2
  5. Angled leg press 180x10/2
  6. Lunges 45x10/2
  7. Leg Extensions 160x10/2 and single leg (left) 80x2/10 to work on left leg which is showing some asymmetry
  8. 30 minutes of steady state work on the cycle, 137 HR.

I got very light headed after doing my squats and leg curls, I had to rest, and my ears rang. I think its because I have not been managing my blood sugar correctly. I have been avoiding carbohydrates with a high glycemic index because they hinder my fat loss. These types of carbs digest very quickly, and spike insulin, if the body cannot use the glycogen produced by digesting the carbs, they float in the blood stream (because of the insulin spike ) and are soon converted to adipose. The conversion to adipose occurs because they appear to the body to be surplus. I been eating only low glycemic carbs like oatmeal, bran and brown rice. I think my blood sugar was crazy low, especially since after I drank my post-workout protein shake which is 50% maltodextrin I felt fine. I think I am going to eat 2 ounces of pasta every day after work in an effort to keep my blood sugar regulated.

I am also down to my lowest fighting weight yet: 181. I have lost 9 pounds since Thanksgiving, but my love handles are still present, they are stubborn bastards.

I'm sure my teachers told me in high school. I know my parents told me until I moved away to college. Now the dean of students is telling my that it is the reason why I'm not allowed at college anymore. I don't apply myself. My college career is now over because I couldn't get my gpa above 2.0

I don't want to be one of those whiney angst stricken kids, but man, I'm stupid. A 2.0? jebus.

I don't know where to go from here. I have too many people to talk to, my parents, my girlfriend, my brothers. They're all going to flip, especially my girl. Was it the pot? The parties? What killed my desire for work and knowledge? I do want a college education, a silly piece of paper that says "Hey, this guy's smart." I have dreams and goals, will they ever be true? Or do I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. Get a job then another college. I don't even know if I want to come back to wooster, but I feel that I can't leave behind my brothers or my girl. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my girlfriend...

It's definitely time to smoke up and get these creepy feelings off my shoulders. I need to re-evaluate myself. Maybe it's just because homework isn't fun. But hey, atleast I'm tall

After reading the first few writeups that I contributed here, I realised that I used to have a lot more confidence in my lame teenage artsy-fartsy-wannabe-ness. what happened to that? i do not know. i think maybe university killed it. I'd like it back please. do you think they'll give it to my when i graduate, or drop out, or move to Ireland.

the boy who likes me told me that he likes me, and that he's "having those kind of feelings", and has been questioning me about my past relationships. apparently, since all the quasi-serious ones have been ended abruptly and without valid reason by yours truly, he's afraid that i'll end up hurting him. which, is sad. and probably true. i probably will hurt him. i will probably hurt everyone who dares to love me and end up alone. but i've accepted this. this isn't whining, these are mere facts.

and the boy i had a crush on, and whom i fear i still do, and whom i had my chicas phone whilst i was drunk, phoned me the other day, left a nice message and wants me to phone him. curses.

meanwhile, i tired of this so-called education and yearn to do something meaningful with my life. sort of.

My baby stubbed her toe today...

Well, her front-right hubcap, at least.

I've got to stop thinking of this car as an extension of my own body... "Thump!".... Oh, now that wasn't too bad... I'll just lay off it for a while and it'll get better.

Then the horrible realization dawns:

Machines have very poor regenerative capabilities!

I eventually find a place to park, exit, and survey the damage... not too bad... the hubcap is partially warped away from the wheel proper, the wheel is probably slightly out of alignment now, and gone is the mouth-wateringly smooth ride that I had come to take for granted...

*sigh*

I console myself with turkey jerky (my first ever), which I noticed at Safeway due to the brand name "SnackMasters", which reminded me of HackMaster, a spoof RPG by Kenzer & Co., makers of the hilarious Knights of the Dinner Table comic...

...But I digress.

To what degree do I call myself insane?

How long can you hole yourself up in a room before your mind begins to drift to how no matter what I touched or what she kissed it was the heady whispering gasps of ecstasy that got me off the most. Or how she would never kiss me without the tongue as though that must have been what I wanted.

I got what I wanted... sort of. Was it that I knew that what I wanted wasn't what would make me happy, so what I wanted wasn't really what I wanted at all: A byproduct of me randomly drifting from "Loving, Caring Storybook Loner" to Pumped-Up Fucked-Up Sex Machine Loner. Loner who saw her with lustful eyes when the water glistened off the orange-white cleft of her ass as it beconed to me under those teasing spaghetti strings. Oh to slip her out of that and taste everything she was: to make her the writhing moaning pit of ecstasy she was that night would be everything I could ever want.

Half of me knows it would leave me hollow while the other half doesn't care.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING YOUR FUCK TOY

Today was my Birthday. I was born 18 years ago today. In America, at least, 18 is a major landmark. you can vote, buy cigerettes and porn and buy most firearms. You can't drink yet, why I'm with a shotgun and not a shot glass is beyond me. But today I turned 18.

I had a court date today, which I did not attend, as it was in California and I am in Minnesota. I had thought that I was starting retrial today, and had bought a ticket to fly to Los Angeles and rent a car, but it was just a court date that I didn't have to be there for, so I cancelled the ticket and stayed home.

My attorney went to the court date, and found that I have become a low priority to the prosecution. He wants to try 3 other people first, and has put my trial off into the indefinite future. This is the best piece of news I have heard in ages.

If I am retried at all, it sounds like it will be with my previous codefendant. The charges of riot, rout, and unlawful assembly will likely be dropped, which should leave me with only failure to disperse. However, they are trying to charge me with blocking rail transit, a charge that is perhaps even more ridiculous than the others. There are rail lines in the area where the demonstration was, but before the event started, the street was blocked off because there had been a problem, I think a minor derailment, of one of the trains. Point is, there was no rail transit to block, even had I been in the street.

We will find out whether this charge can stand up on February 6, 2002, and if so, my attorney is going to get us a new judge and try to get the charge dropped, as well as trying to get the case against me dismissed.

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