Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Jesus: "If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope."

Canadian horror kung fu religious comedy movie, filmed in Ottawa and released on 2001. It was directed by Lee Demarbre and written by Ian Driscoll. Stars included Phil Caracas as Jesus Christ, Maria Moulton as Mary Magnum, Murielle Varhelyi as Maxine Schreck, writer Ian Driscoll as Johnny Golgotha, Josh Grace as Dr. Pretorious, Tracy Lance as Gloria Oddbottom, Jason McMaster as the first atheist, Tim Devries as Father Eustace, Glen Jones as Father Alban, Nancy Riehle in a number of different roles, and legendary Mexican wrestler El Santo as... EL SANTO!

This is another movie that I've never seen. But oh gracious me, by all that is truly holy (Mojo Nixon), I yearn -- nay, I burn to see this movie. It has the Son of God. It has vampires. It has punk rock priests. It has kung-fu atheists. It has song-and-dance numbers. It has lesbians. It has... EL SANTO! Truly, this film must be a second "Maltese Falcon," a new and improved "Casablanca," the movie Orson Welles wanted to make when he filmed "Citizen Kane"!

El Santo: "Madre de Dios. My old manager. Don't let this gringo con you, Jesus. He'll have you wrestling midgets in border towns for ten percent of the net."

So let's review the plot: Vampires are killing off the congregation of a small church, and the bloodsucking fiends are able to survive in the daylight! In desperation, the priests head for the beach to find the only man who can help them -- Jesus Christ! After dispensing baptisms and lemonade to the faithful, however, Jesus is attacked by three vampires! They kill two of the priests, but the Lord is able to destroy two of the vamps easily, while the third makes a hasty retreat. Jesus has been convinced of the seriousness of the vampire menace, so He goes to town, gets a haircut, and picks up some firewood to carve into stakes. And that's when He is attacked again, this time by a huge number of atheists in a jeep! But there is no limit to the number of atheist butts that the Son of Man can whup! Vampires, though, are stronger than mere atheists, so God rings up El Santo, masked Mexican wrestler extraordinaire, and asks him to help out. But can even the combined might of the Lamb of God and the King of Wrestling defeat the hordes of the undead?

My life will never be complete until I can see this movie. Seriously. If you've got it in your collection, El Santo himself wants you to send it to me. The video stores here are all run by the living dead, and they refuse to carry it.

The Virgin Mary, discussing lesbians: "Oh, God love them. They get so much done in a day, don't you think?"

Research from http://www.badmovies.org/movies/jesusvamp/index.html and www.imdb.com

Addendum: Okay, okay, I've gotten enough recommendations that I've ordered the movie. I reckon I can cut my other expenses a little bit more...

Addendum II: I have seen "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"... and it is GOOD! Yes, the whole movie is dubbed in English, which is just so darn crazy, I wasn't sure what to think. Maria Moulton as Mary Magnum is hotter'n a three-dollar pistol. There are multiple laugh-out-loud moments and lines, from the fight against the unending atheists to the Rasputin-like figure who keeps popping up to bellow scripture at the audience to Father Alban's mohawk to the Holy Bowl of Ice Cream and Cherries to the Parable of the Good Transvestite to the scene where Jesus picks out a new wardrobe to Gloria Oddbottom's extremely squeezable ass. Is it offensive? Maybe a little. There are an awful lot of people puttin' the moves on the Lord, and Jesus seems to get his ass kicked quite a bit. But nothing here seems really mean-spirited, Jesus comes across as a really great guy, and there's even a darn good sermon at the end of the movie. I recommend it!

The Power of Christ Impales You!

The first testament says, "An eye for an eye."
The second testament says, "Love thy neighbor."
The third testament...KICKS ASS!!!

I have been fortunate enough...nay, BLESSED enough to see this movie. I am now doubly blessed, as I have been chosen, along with he of the flying excrement, to spread the good word of that which is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

This is one of those movies which is best watched with a group of (deeply twisted) people, the larger the better. I was lucky enough to see it in a movie theatre packed with people nearly as sick-minded as myself. I went in expecting a campy, low-budget flick with a few good lines that ran out of steam after about 10 minutes. Worth the $3.50 I paid for it, but nothing extraordinary. I was wrong. So very wrong indeed. This movie is indeed a campy, low-budget film, but instead of being a showcase for a few bad puns and one or two running gags, it is insanely hilarious. The script is brilliant, the cast has good comic timing and delivery, and absolutely NOTHING is sacred (of course). I mean, this movie is to a typical piece of low-budget camp as Steve Martin, singing while masturbating furiously, is to Alan Greenspan, asleep. In fact, I think that's the best possible description I can give, so I'll leave it at that.

Some essentials about the DVD (which I now own):

Length: 85 minutes
DVD Features: Audio commentary by director, writer, and cast; interviews with cast and crew; outtakes and deleted scenes; trailers.
Creators: Odessa Filmworks. www.odessafilmworks.com
Distributor: Eclectic DVD Distribution. www.eclecticdvd.com
Country: Canada
Aspect Ratio: 4:3. The movie is shown in 4:3 in theatres as well, which leads me to believe that there is no widescreen format. In fact, unless I'm mistaken, the whole thing was filmed on 8mm film.
Sound: The movie has been dubbed -- from English to English, but with a slight delay that becomes more apparent at times, with hilarious results. Also, the soundtrack is great: you can hear it at http://www.odessafilmworks.com/jcvh/music.html. The closing song, "Everybody (Gets Laid Tonight)," is particularly catchy:

He came from Heaven
Two stakes in his hands
To smote the vampires
And free the land...

More information can be had at: http://www.odessafilmworks.com/jcvh/.

Some interesting factoids about the movie, having seen it, and having lived in Ottawa:

The cathedral at the beginning is the Catholic Cathedral on Sparks Street. Scenes involving Alban (played by Glen, whose red mohawk and leather jacket have been a familiar sight in the Ottawa area since the mid 80s) and the other priests take place there and the War Memorial and National Art Gallery across the road from said cathedral. The interesting thing about that place is that it was built when Ottawa was known as Bytown, and the women of the community actually donated their wedding rings and any jewellery they had to provide the gold to gild the statues of the saints. Should you go further down Sussex Drive you will arrive at the Prime Minister's official residence and the French Embassy.

If you head into downtown from there, within five minutes you will pass the Dominion Tavern (the bar in which Jesus scats, followed by drumming), and then Allegro in the Byward market (which started out in the 80s on the third floor of what is now the parking garage across from The Bay in the Rideau Center). Just next to the corner of Dalhousie and Rideau, about two blocks away, is the piercing place where Jesus gets his ears pierced. The Dominion is a great dive. Just avoid their pickled eggs. Noone is for sure how old the damn things are.

The driving scenes appear to be shot in the Glebe, which is south of the downtown core.

The "third lesbian vampire", the one who is thrown into the Blessed Lake by Jesus using her arm and foot, is Thetis Bernard. She ended up being rather infamous in the early 90s after writing a school assignment that was misinterpreted as being sympathetic to the views of David Irvin. She also appears to have since become a part-time professional wrestler.

Johnny Vegas is featured in the Dominion Tavern scene: this is the lounge singer who really is a fixture on the Ottawa scene as a lounge singer.

The "lesbian drop in center" is actually attached to the University of Ottawa as their student center. It is next to the Rideau Center. The scene in which Jesus dances across a road with some attractive buildings in the back are actually next to that drop in center, and close to the old Jail, which is now a youth hostel. It's more than a mile from Sparks Street, which is where the rest of the musical scene is filmed. This was the site of the political assassination of Thomas D'Arcy McGee.

One of the bands featured in the movie is Furnaceface, most of which was Fluid Waffle in the 80s. They got into some bad controversy when they had friends of theirs show up to a photo shoot for the local newspaper pretending to be them. They did it to mock the corporate newspaper pretending an interest in the local music scene.

Many of the shots of the sunrise at the beginning appear to have been shot in the West End of Ottawa, far away from the downtown core in which most of the movie was shot.

As for the airport in which Santos lands - it appears to be the Rockcliffe Air Base, a small airport next to the Aviation museum and right alongside the military base in Ottawa.

I have no idea who the Rasputin-like character is at the beginning, but I do believe, if I am correct, that he was once known as "Deep Fish" on WWIV in the Montreal area.